Do you ever get those days of pure rage?
Where you just want to take everything you own and light everything on fire. I don’t just mean putting it in the car and lighting the contents on fire “waiting to exhale” status (but hey that works too). I mean everything. In this “Everything must go” field just letting every single item you once cared about go. Just let it burn and start all over; a fresh clean slate. I do, I honestly think about letting everything burn and watching it turn to ash on a daily basis. Mainly just an easy cop out then actually dealing with my materialistic situation at hand.
Okay arson aside. I’d love to live with only the essentials. Only the things I needed. A complete minimalistic way of living as opposed to how I live now. As of right now, I’m surrounded by mountains of clutter. Countless stacks of magazines, unopened packages*, clothes, accessories, unread books, and well… you get the picture. You know they say you can tell a lot about a person from the way they dress? Well, lets just say a room is a reflection of their soul. Right now my room is a big hot mess (that I occasionally want to light on fire). Everything I’ve ever purchased is looking straight at me with its beady little eyes. Judging me. (Yes, because Toy Story has managed to make me believe that everything comes to life when I look away. JUDGE ME!). I know they say it’s hard letting go but since I’m too afraid of arson (and since I live at home with my folks), lighting everything on fire is not an option. Things have to be done, things have got to change, and well that expensive Marc by Marc Jacobs dress that I paid $325 dollars for in 2006 and still haven’t worn, has got to go.
This debt didn’t just happen overnight. It was slowly accumulating and I allowed it to happen. In this $26,000 dollar debt, I’ve realized a majority of it comes from impulsive buying. I don’t mean just impulse buying when the item is on sale (that happens too). I mean the emotional need to have things, just to have them. The “I’m having a bad day, I’m going to spend money” or the “I’m having a great day lets celebrate by buying this”. Truth of the matter is I am an emotional shopper. Everything in my room is there for the sake of pure emotion. I can pick up just about anything in my room and tell you when and why I bought said item.
You think I’m kidding.
In April of 2006 I purchased a friend of mine a rather expensive bottle of perfume. Marc Jacobs “Grass” Splash perfume which at the time retailed for $90 dollars. While getting her gift I managed to fall in love with Marc Jacobs “Cotton” Splash Perfume from the same collection. Instead of purchasing just the one bottle of perfume, I managed to pay for not only 1 expensive bottle of perfume but 2 rather expensive bottles of perfumes. Somewhere inside my head I thought “I’ve been working a lot, I deserve a new perfume”. That’s how the cycle starts. You start to see yourself buying something for someone and your own selfish greed takes over. I didn’t need that perfume. Putting in the emotion to buy it for someone else, caused me to believe I needed one too. I know I should have thought of a cheaper gift and in 2006 I was not in the head space (more on this in future posts) to even purchase such a luxurious gift but I did. That bottle of perfume is just one of the many countless stories and deductions of my bank account in my life. $180 dollars (plus tax) for two bottles of perfume, I could have easily purchased something else. I didn’t and well you get the general idea.
My closet is no exception. I can look up and down that closet and tell you where/what/ how/why, I bought every single item in my closet.
“Oh it was on sale”
“It was 50% off the entire store”
“I was having a bad day”
“THEY WERE HAVING A SALE”
and my personal favorite…
“I JUST HAD TOO”.
I just had too.
Now I just have to let all these things go. Carrie Bradshaw once said “I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet“. Well my money is doing nothing for me except gathering dust and collecting more debt. Letting go is hard. I know I’ve been there so many times through friendships, relationships, arguments, but material items? Can’t I just stay a little bit longer in my room of clutter? It’s just stuff right?
That’s my problem. I can say “let it go” to anyone and in reality, I’m coming home to a cluster of shit. Its this emotional graveyard of items from a time I can’t let go. That Marc by Marc Jacobs dress had a reason to be bought. Now looking at the dress it doesn’t seem so special as it once did. I haven’t worn it, it still has the price tag. What good is it doing the dress just hanging in the closet? Clothes should be worn to be seen not hidden in a wardrobe for the “maybe I should wear this” day. Letting go is more then leaving everything behind. Its saying goodbye to a part of our life; to the person we once were. The person that was so happy to buy the dress because she was having such a cruddy day. The person that bought that dress because this dress was going to change everything. The dress exuded happiness. Then the dress came home and all I was left with was buyers remorse. I had too much pride to take it back, so it sits in the closet waiting for the day to be alive. $325 dollars just accumulated more debt in my closet. Lovely.
Not anymore. It has to go. Everything. Anything with a price tag, anything I haven’t worn in a long time, anything I bought because of some emotional bullshit, ALL OF IT. Just have to let it go. Letting go is hard. It’s a cold saying but after getting rid of all the clutter can make way for bigger and better things (within my price range that is). Letting go can finally free me of this suffocation I feel for having so much crap. By letting go it finally releases all the emotional garbage left in the corpses of these material objects. With that I am going to let it go to everything. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING must go. I started boxing up magazines. Tearing apart my closet, my accessories, cleaning out my DVD collection. Instead of buying new books when they came out, I started finally reading the books I have stacked up. Honestly it sucks. It’s that itch you just want to scratch but can’t reach. I just want to buy things. If I have a bad day, I need to buy something. I just can’t bring myself to do it. After placing items for sale and giving things away, I finally realized something. It didn’t hurt anymore. The want for beautiful things will always be there. What can I say I love beautiful things but this need for things just stopped. I am finally able to let go of things I don’t need and never needed to begin with. Finally able to be okay with not having everything I want. While I mourn my former spend-a-holic life, I will continue to listen to “Let it Go” from the film Frozen for motivation. If only life were more like a Disney movie. Where I had a magic wand to change everything, a motivating song to empower me, and a fairy godmother to make me pretty gowns (tax free). Sadly my life is not a musical and Disney is a little too expensive for my tastes at the moment. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Lets sing and mourn together, shall we?
*packages were purchased before this budget saving makeover. DON’T GET IT TWISTED.
Closet Debt aka This is why I can’t have nice things. **
Marc Jacobs Splash Perfumes: $90
Marc by Marc Jacobs Crinkle Dress: $325
Brand New items of clothing in closet with price tags: $1742
Unread books: $250
Brand new cosmetics: $150
Brand New DVD’s: $100
**If anyone in interested in any of my clothes, feel free to ask me. I can cut you in on a deal.