Month: April 2014

Honesty.

honesty

For most of my adult life I had never been truly honest about the past. It’s the past that always comes back to haunt you and manifests itself into demons you can’t hide. When I came back from Mexico I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My failures of the past were manifesting themselves into failures of my present. From the countless failed friendships, relationships, and even failed attempts of careers, I realized the one thing that was holding my life back was the need to be honest. I have absolutely no problem telling anyone how it is or how I feel, but when it comes to the things of my past, I couldn’t do it. In this experiment I wanted to show myself that the debt in my life is an effort to keep the demons at bay. Suppressing them just enough to keep satisfied until I had another meltdown. Another failure and I would continue my downward spiral of over spending, over indulging and of course beating myself up about it.

The purpose of this blog is to talk about my struggles, my passions, and my failures, which has caused me to seek comfort in spending. In no way am I trying to publicly bash the things that have happened in my life. Life is about being honest with yourself and learning countless lessons, Life isn’t made to be easy. I’ve fallen on hard times, I’ve hit rock bottom and as I’ve always said I have gotten myself back up again. I know what it’s like to lose everything, and I know what it’s like to have everything. These are my struggles, these are my stories, as exaggerated as they may read they truly did happen. I’ve sugar coated so much of my life that people have a hard time believing these things have actually happened.  You just get to the point in your life where you’re so emotionally exhausted. That’s what I am. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted with hiding how I feel about the past that the only way I can truly heal is talking about it. To the people that I have written about I am in no way, shape or form, publically bashing you. If anything I am just truly showing you what it felt like to walk in my shoes. A small glimpse of the lifetime of mistreatment, I felt being associated with the same caliber people.

People will never truly understand you, until they have walked a mile in your shoes. In some way I am showing you word for word how I’ve felt all those years. The years I continued to accept apologies and continued to be mistreated, bad mouthed, and hurt by the same people. For once people will understand why I am the way that I am. Where I no longer have the heart for juvenile bullshit.  I’ve reached that point in my life where I no longer expect apologizes. Honestly I don’t even have the energy anymore to fight. I hope that in reading my stories, people would find the compassion to not make the same mistakes from the past. Grow from the bullshit and learn from it. That’s exactly what I intend to do. This is my attempts of growing with love and finding the happiness I know that I truly deserve. I can’t keep holding on, protecting and rewarding the bad behavior of others. I can’t keep hiding in the shadows waiting for it to be okay to talk about my feelings. This is how I feel, this is how it went, and honestly people should be afraid of what I’m going to do next.

With that stated I will hope that if anything people will truly understand where I am coming from. That my exposed vulnerabilities will finally bring out all the dark and truly bring forth the light.

 

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Siblings.

There’s this unspoken bond of loyalty between siblings. It’s a blood pact. No matter what happens in life you are to remain loyal to this member of your immediate family. Always have each others back and so forth. So excuse me if I seem a little bitter but sometimes blood doesn’t always make you family. What makes you family is the unseen power of loyalty and no amount of money in the world could change those sentiments. The moment you turn your back on family, is the moment you stand before the world alone. Friendships end but family is suppose to be forever. As an older sibling I was always taught to honor our family values and to always take care of my sibling. What do you do when your own sibling doesn’t want to be a part of the family. When your sibling would rather choose to live a separate life away from family values. How is it that two people raised by the same parents, with the same values be so completely different? One understanding the value of loyalty and family and while the other choose to live a life by the standards of their handouts before them. I guess I’ll never understand the genetic makeup of some people and while I try to piece together who they once were, I’m left with finally understanding who they truly are. A complete stranger with only the same characteristic as myself and nothing else.

I have stated this a million times. I am not a perfect person. I am fucked up and flawed just like the next person. The qualities I lack I understand people feel the same way about themselves. This isn’t my intention to bash a persons personal beliefs just sometimes I do feel like I get the shit end of the stick. Since I am the older sibling, I catered to the dramatics of my younger sibling. While my parents were more strict on me for being the oldest, being a female they were far less strict on my sibling. He could come in and disrespect my parents and make a list of demands. Each time, each parent catered and played into his manipulative web. I was the buffer, I was the keeper of the peace. For a long time I believed I had to protect my sibling because that’s what families do. They had each others back. For every time my sibling believed someone other than me, would break plans to hang out with his friends, or just be absolutely rotten, I allowed it. Because at the end of the day that’s family. When everyone in life turns their back on you,  you will always have family.

That’s what I believed. I mean that’s what I was taught. Family didn’t have an end. When the worst of the worst happens, you have family.

In the course of the 20 plus years I lived with my sibling this person went through a course of changes. Started acting differently, started speaking differently and at one point became a dangerous person. When you harbor a lot of darkness you tend to focus primarily on keeping it hidden as much as possible. My sibling had that problem. For most of their young adult life I never saw this person. My sibling would come home to sleep and the rest of the day just be gone. Just as my life became destructive, my sibling’s life followed through. We became completely different people, that people would even doubt we were siblings at all. The day my sibling went through a terrible breakup was the moment I knew my sibling needed me. I offered a new beginning in the wake of my own new beginning. An olive branch hoping that’s what my sibling needed. Once again the same destruction followed through. I wasn’t in the mind space to babysit and once again I never saw my sibling unless it was night fall. While that story goes into a post in itself, I will state that for a year I didn’t speak with my sibling. For all I knew my sibling was dead to me and I was an only child. It wasn’t until we were splitting up our holidays to avoid each other that I knew I couldn’t continue on like that. It was absolutely breaking my mother’s heart and I knew I had to swallow my pride. It was then that I decided we couldn’t continue on like this anymore. While I still harbored a lot of resentment from the past, I kept it inside. I was bigger than that. I was bigger than letting stupid idiotic bullshit from the past get to me. While my sibling still lived in the city I was planning to call my home, still working in the industry I wanted to work in, and still living what I believed my life was suppose to be. I will be honest. I was and still to this day am bitter. Everything in my life I’ve had to work hard for. Nothing in my life has been handed to me and every time I’ve fallen down, I’ve been the one to lift myself up again. I never once received an apology for the all the years my sibling was such a horrible person. Because that’s family, and at the end of the day we’re family.

Just as I had with my friends prior I too tried to buy my sibling off. I couldn’t tell you the countless material things I’ve bought, the dinners, the money I’ve lent, the money I’ve had stolen from me, and the countless times I’ve had to get my sibling out of a jam. Even with all of those things I did it with honor because we were family. Just as the countless disappointing factors in my life, my sibling was the biggest. While I envied siblings that actually got a long, I couldn’t be in the same room with my sibling. It was this false hope of being family and the reality was I absolutely hated my sibling. Everyone always allowed my sibling to get a way with everything, always rewarded his bad behavior and I was left picking up the pieces. I was looked down upon for disrespecting my sibling but my sibling could punch a few walls and call everyone every name in the book. How fair is that exactly? How exactly is that a sense of loyalty. In the course of everything that happened in my life my grandfather passed and with that my mother had a heart attack. With everything that happened my brother showed no remorse. Sure he shed an artistic tear, probably talked about “feelings” as they do in Hollywood. Who was the one that picked up the pieces? Who was the one taking care, going to various doctor appointments and not being able to sleep at night in the worried notion that at any moment another family member would be gone? I understand that’s my doubled ended sword of being the oldest but not once did my brother offer to help. Not once did he think to come and lend a hand. I don’t doubt my sibling’s feelings but his constant money worries were far more important then any of our families feelings and well being. That was the beginning of the end for me. I was absolutely worn out. I could talk to people but when you can’t talk to family then who can you talk to. Again that’s family. You’re suppose to always be there for family, right?

What broke the bond between siblings was the day my sibling choose his new life over family. The day my sibling was too good for our family, our customs and even our culture. When my sibling started to cringe whenever we spoke Spanish and even forgetting our own customs. My sibling would compare our customs with that of his friends and how his friends customs were better. Less religious, more English, more white. When your sibling makes a mockery of the very things you were brought up to be proud of you lose a sense of respect for this person. It was as if I didn’t even know who this person was. He harbored all the characteristics of someone I knew but he was so completely vacant. He was a hollow shell of the person he used to be. He became more entitled, he believed he was better than this family. The day I was absolutely done was the day we were suppose to go to a baseball game together. We had planned this game for months, a game of his choosing where I once again paid for everything. The night before the game he wanted to change everything from the time we went, to the events we would go to, even changing going to the game itself. It became this ultimatum, his way or the highway of his obscene dramatics. No matter which way I tried to make a peace with the game, he just stated more demands. It wasn’t until he said he only wanted to go to half of the game and got my parents involved that I was being difficult that I had it. When both of your parents are screaming at you that his dramatics are your fault that’s when you reach your breaking point. I grabbed the two tickets I paid for and handed them to my sibling. “Take who ever you want to go with and never talk to me again”. With that stated and no matter how many times I play it in my head, I am still the bad guy.

In the course of this understanding my debt experiment I realize that everything I do is carried by emotion. Love, sadness, and even the true understanding of loyalty. I couldn’t even tell you what I remembered that made my sibling so great because the person before my family is nothing like the person he was before. They’re a vacant memory in a pile of ghost stories. The problem with family is that at the end of the day they are suppose to be the people who will always have your back. The first time I stopped talking to my sibling I said I was done, but my emotion made me cross that burning bridge hoping there was a tiny glimpse of the past. Crossing that burning bridge was my undoing, I did the apologizing. I made the attempts of contact and tried to mend. Instead I grew more infuriated with this person. The life they lived, the positions they had, more importantly I wasn’t mending anything. My sibling and I are nothing a like. We both have different views about what loyalty is and I respect that. In August it will be yet another year that I haven’t spoken to my sibling. That I know nothing of their life or care to even know about. While some days I am sadden by this I know I did what was best. People will never change unless they want to. While I believed maturity and time would change people, I was wrong. Instead its the same person just 50 pounds lighter with a hand looking for a hand out. Nothing ever changes. It sucks feeling that people have a way of always letting you down and even the people that are always suppose to have your back don’t.

You reach that point in your life where you have to let everything go and hope for the best. Hope that at the end of the day people will eventually change for the better and with that you’ll find a change in yourself. While I no longer believe that my sibling is living the life I was suppose to lead, I still harbor a lot of hurt and the pain from the past. Its going to take more than a year to get over and until I can truly get over it will I be able to fully heal. I am done crossing burnt bridges, chasing empty pavements, when people find themselves only then can they give me a call. Only then will I truly and honestly listen.

 

Broken.

This post has actually been a little hard to write into words. I’ve actually deleted, rewrote, deleted, and tried to wrap my head around everything. For a long time I felt broken, that no matter what I did nothing would take away that feeling. It was always about rearranging the pieces instead of putting them back together. Instead of finding ways to make myself better, I ended up just making things worse. When you’re broken you will do just about anything to make yourself whole. Even if it takes everything you have to make that emptiness you feel inside disappear. Without realizing it, I was attracting all the darkness because I believed that’s what I deserved. When you’ve reached rock bottom the only thing left to do is to wallow in the shadows until you’re strong enough to overcome it.

Being heartbroken is worse than any loneliness. I think that’s why so many of us stay in some fucked up relationships. Being sad and unhappy in a relationship is far better than ever being lonely. At least then you have a reason to be unhappy. When you’re alone, you’re left with your own failures. I never believed that would happen to me. The hopeless romantic that cried at the end of every love song, that believed that at the end of the day love will overcome everything. It’s weird to look back at the past and think “How could I have been so stupid”. That’s what I was. I was stupid, hopeless, and a complete fool for love. I believed that being unhappy would eventually lead to happiness. That for every dollar I spent, for every shopping bag full of stuff that I would feel better. Instead I felt more alone and miserable. In the mist of my own self absorbed sadness, he found me and I believed it would all disappear. It’s funny how people have a way of changing something inside of you. He didn’t make me feel better, he only made things worse.

Its weird how you can always remember the worst of people. After 5 years, I stopped remembering if he was ever a good person to begin with. 5 years ago he was my absolute world. I found everything about him just absolutely fascinating.  It was his manner of viewing the world and how he presented himself to everyone that made me believe for a long time that I loved him. The moment you make someone the center of your universe is the same moment they absolutely let you down. Just as the many people before him, he didn’t care about me. To him I was just someone that filled the void until something better came along, and for 5 years I allowed him to treat me that way. I allowed his own insecure nature manifest its vileness into my well being. Because of my lack of judgment and inability to see what was happening, I allowed him to treat me in the most horrible way. For years I allowed him to break my spirit all for the sake of believing that was love. For every time he cut me down, I hurt myself. For every time he told me I was worthless, I believed him. I believed him until my arms were raw and my stomach bled from the countless times I threw up my food to make myself what he wanted me to be. To him I was nothing, and to me he was everything. When you’re broken you want to believe that people want the absolute best for you. For the longest time I believed that’s what he wanted.

There were so many aspects of that “relationship” that were bad. So many things I hid from the world because no one would believe me. I was already an emotional person that even if I mentioned how bad it got people wouldn’t believe me. He had a way to switch on/off his flaws, I couldn’t do that. There were moments that would get so bad I honestly wished he would hit me. If he hit me it would mean that he truly hated me and it wouldn’t just be words that I kept inside. He never did but that never stopped his crusade of a venomous character. For every joke he told people, I lived with the consequences. I was never good enough, I was always too fat, too ugly, and I was a dead weight that was too large to carry in his lifetime. He never cared about how the words would affect me. He only cared about how much I would invest in what we were doing and how much he was gaining from it. As soon as his demands were met, only then could we honestly be together. I was a fool to believe him, but believing that being in a relationship would make the pain go away I did everything he said. I paid for every outing, paid for ever dinner, and took care of everything. In the course of those 5 years of an off and on friendship the only thing he ever gave me was a small soda and enough psychological damage to last a lifetime. For years I dealt with the consequences of that “relationship”. The countless of my friends that still remain friends with him, the times he contacted me when ever he felt broken, and yet I allowed it. I allowed this cycle of complete destruction stay because I deserved it. It was my insecurities that were driving a wedge between our friendship. It was all my unhappiness undoing our friendship and he was just trying to make everything better.

I believed that.

5 years was my expiration date. The first year I blamed myself. I thought without him I would die. That everything he said was right and because of that I blamed myself for everything. The second year I believed he would come back. By the third year I was finally coming to terms that I drove him away because he made no mistaken that it was everything I did that was wrong. By the fourth year, I was done. The fourth year was finally letting go of being broken. Finally realizing that I needed to let go of everyone and anyone that made me hurt. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from all my self destructive nature. I wanted nothing more but to finally feel free, to finally feel something instead of the complete emptiness I felt inside. For the first time I was able to hold my meals down without worrying about if people knew what I was doing. I was able to finally let the wounds heal and scar naturally. When you finally let go of all the wrong people, you finally allow yourself to heal properly.  Now at the fifth year I can breathe. I still have a lot of my insecurities but for the first time I don’t feel broken. I lost so much of myself searching for his level of perfection, I lost sight of who I was. When I finally let him go, I finally allowed all my broken pieces come back together.

You’re wondering what this has to do with my problems with debts. This had everything to do with it. I was so completely heartbroken that I found myself running from one problem to another. For every pound I lost I spent more money. For every time I didn’t want people to know about my well being, I invited people out and paid for everything. If I drew the attention away from what was really hurting, I wouldn’t have people worry about me. Because of my self destructive nature, I invited a variety of vile people into my life. I was ashamed to say I needed help and I was scared of people finding out what truly was happening. It was easy to pretend that behind every fabulous coat hid a tragic story. That every article of clothing I wore was a battle I was overcoming. I was hurting emotionally and physically and the only way to hide how I felt was buying everything. For every year he came in and out of my life, I found some way to try to make him stay. Every time he left, the cycle of self destruction would happen all over again. I couldn’t help the pain I was feeling so I had to find ways to deal with the sadness and failure of my life. I didn’t care how much it cost me, I just wanted a cheap fix for all my situations. I was wrong. I was wrong for so many reasons.

Our ending was the start of my new beginning. For the first time in years I stopped crying because he wasn’t in my life. While it’s taken everything I have to finally come to terms with what happened, I no longer break because of it. No amount of money I spend will ever bring anyone back. All of the sparkly things I buy is not going to make anyone stay. I know that now. If I could be honest about anything, is finally being honest with what happened. What we had wasn’t love. I was just so tired of being lonely that my desperation for love found the wrong person. For the risk of failing as I had with countless things in my life, I tried to make everything work even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. To him he never saw my attempts as kindness, to him my kindness was my weakness that he used to his full advantage. I allowed him to do that. I allowed him to dictate my life the moment he said he only wanted what was best for me. I know better now, I know that people that vile will never hurt me again. As much as it all hurt, as many tears that I cried I know he was not the one for me. It’s funny how things change us. I am not the same person I was a year ago, let alone 5 years ago and I’m okay with that. Everything that once broke my heart doesn’t hold the same meaning as it once did. Its when you’ve lost everything that you finally regain the strength back in the light. I’ve stopped hurting, I’ve stopped blaming myself and best of all I can finally be honest with everything in my past to finally be free.

Through it all, I can live with that.