Month: August 2014

I am like the dead sea.

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There are moments in your life where you want to forgive. Forgive just for the sake of finally forgetting. Good times, bad times, and even the ugliest of times. Maybe that’s where I find myself categorizing you. I want to forgive you. I want to forgive every hopeless thing you ever did to me. Forgive every time you said the words and never took them back. Forgive the times you made me believe in fairytales and the hope that things would get better. Instead, I find myself forgetting you without forgiving you. Forgetting you in favor of letting go. Letting go would mean that it would finally be over and I’d have nothing left to hold on to. This tainted memory of an unbiased image of you and the regret you left me with.

I can’t forgive you. The more I try to say the words, I can’t bring myself to do it. How could I forgive someone that has never said “I’m sorry”?  How do you become the bigger person in a situation that left you beyond repair? I can’t keep playing the victim. I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t hurt, when it does. When my heart can’t open up the way it used to. When my soul still searches for an ounce of goodness in a vile person like you. You always said I was the better person. Lately, I just don’t feel like myself. I stopped believing in so many things that I’ve forgotten what my purpose is. I’ve continued to wipe my slate clean, but I never start over. Forgiving to forget you, when all I want is to forgive the things I can’t forget.

In a year, you said I would find my way to hate you. In reality it took me too long to come to terms with hating you. I can’t hate anybody. As much as I have the ammo to hate you, I can’t. Maybe deep down I am trying to be the good person you once saw in me. I just get so clouded with memories that its hard to remember who I used to be. I used to be so many things. I used to be a person in love and now I have nothing to show for it. I used to believe in lot of things and lately I just can’t begin to start. Forgiving is easy, forgiving is being free of all the hurt that the past has dealt you. The more I start to forgive, the angry I become with myself. The person I was in the past still with the mistakes of yesterday. No matter how many steps I take forward, I find myself running back. Back to the familiar, back to the stupid nonsense bullshit I should be over with.

You told me not to trust you, and that’s just what I did. You told me not to love you, and that’s just what I did.

Believing every word that I’ve tried so desperately to forget. Putting my trust in a person far to broken to ever understand the meaning of love. I know to love a person is to fully let go of yourself and put the trust in someone else’s hands. But I want it back. All of it. Everything that you put me through, every vile bullshit thing you said to me. I didn’t deserve it. I deserved better and you always knew that.  Finally, I know that now. I want it back. All of it. Every tear, every smile, every time I brought you up that you didn’t hesitate to bring me back down. I want the tiny broken fragments of my heart back. The heart you so carelessly tossed aside and I without hesitation gave to you. It’s the only thing I desperately want back. The one thing I find myself missing in the end. It’s only when I have everything back that I can fully forgive you.

I have to be the bigger person to forgive you. Forgive every word that brought me to tears. Every frightening word that cut through me worse than any knife could. To allow my soul to rest and my heart heal, I have to forgive you. Only then will I be truly able to forget you and finally let you go. I know I’ll never get the apology, I’ve wanted from you. To be honest I don’t want anything from you anymore. Even the heart that I’ve lost, will not return to me. Eventually I’ll get a version of my heart back, maybe not in the way it was before. Stronger, better, who knows. I am okay with that because in the end, I have to forgive. Forgive the past, forgive you and more importantly forgive myself.  I know, I deserve better. Next time I won’t be so careless with my heart. Next time I’ll know that I have to love myself before ever trusting a mirror image of you. When I can forgive myself is when I can forgive you. Until then I have a long ways to go.

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**This post was written a few months ago in my journal. While I do not harbor the same feelings I once did, I just wanted to revisit this and write it down publicly. Putting this post out is finally coming to terms and getting a sense of closure on this previous chapter of my life. I’m okay now, I promise. **

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Liebster Award.

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Imagine my surprise when the lovely Jessica Lynn of Wildflowers for Brunch nominated me for a Liebster Award. Not only am I totally stoked and extremely honored, it made me feel downright special. I absolutely love reading Jessica’s twitter (we are totally twitter friends!) and her blog is equally amazing. If you don’t already follow her I highly suggest a follow to her blog/twitter!!!

The Liebster Award is a great way discover and give recognition to new blogs!

Here’s the deal, once nominated you must:

  • Write 11 facts about yourself
  • Nominate 5-11 bloggers for the Award
  • Answer 11 questions provided by the presenter, then write 11 questions for your nominees

 

11 Random Facts about Me:

1. My name is Martha Elizabeth. However I do not like my first name. Therefore I usually go by my middle name or my family name “Ellie”.  My oldest friends still call me by my first name but I cringe every time I hear that name.

2.  I drink more iced tea than humanly possible.

3.  My birthday is on Halloween. However I never celebrate Halloween. I’ve always celebrated my birthday first then Halloween second.

4. Baseball is one of my favorite sports. My favorite team is the Oakland Athletics. Yes, I do have baseball superstitions. Yes, they are real.

5. I have a weird connection with the number “5”. Its a number that always pops up randomly. Either my change will be in all 5’s or I’ll be at register 5, or just weird little occurrences with the number.

6. Being of Mexican descent, I am very picky about Mexican food.  I can’t eat just any where and anyone’s food.

7.  I have 5 tattoos. For personal reasons only 2 are visible and 3 are hidden.

8. I believe that if you do not like 90’s hip-hop & r&b, we cannot be friends.

9. I am a magazine hoarder. TRUST when I say, it’s bad

10.  Breakfast food is the best food. Especially waffles and pancakes. Yeah, I said it.

11.  I have a huge fear of being abandoned. Which is why I don’t camp or do anything with the outdoors. I’ve watched too many of those wilderness survival shows and that will not be happening to me!

 

Jessica’s Questions:

  1. If you were a tea, what flavor would you be? Is it wrong that I’ve actually thought of this? I would be Ginger Peach and I would be Iced. If you haven’t tried it before, it’s magical.
  2. What is the first song you ever fell in love with? “If I fell” by the Beatles. It brings back so many childhood memories.
  3. What book most accurately expresses your viewpoint on life? Mindy Kaling’s “Is everyone hanging out without me”.  It was like everything I was thinking put into print. Word for word.
  4. In one word, describe how 2014 is going so far. Relaxed. Its less chaotic, no drama, less bullshit, just spiritually in a better place.
  5. What is your favorite perfume scent? Marc Jacobs “Cotton”. I try not to use it often but honestly it’s one of the most cleanest and happiest scents
  6. Invent your ideal milkshake. What’s in it? Chocolate and peanut butter. Two of the best combinations ever.
  7. Are you a fox or a hedgehog? SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
  8. Which FRIENDS character are you? I used to believe Rachel until I started a complete re-watch of the series. Now I just think I’m the female Chandler.
  9. Describe your ideal lazy day.  Without a doubt have to be large consumptions of food, coffee, tea. Either reading a great book or watching all of my great films. That’s as lazy as I get.
  10. You get to re-invent the rainbow with seven colors of your choosing. What are they? it would definitely be just variations of the color green. Just a rainbow of ombre greens!!!
  11. What is your favorite Wes Anderson movie?  The Royal Tenenbaums. For many multiple reasons but mainly because of Margot Tenenbaum.

 

Now that I have answered, I would like to nominate the following:

Lily – I Want to be the Girl with the Most Cake

Hilda – 30 Into the Three-Oh

Nina – The European Redhead

Katzi – She Loves You and So do I

Crystal – Imakesht

 

These are my questions:

 

1. What is the last purchase you made?

2. What is your favorite article of clothing?

3. Is there anything you have left to accomplish before 2014 is over?

4. What is your current favorite album at the moment?

5. What is the one song that always reminds you that everything is going to be okay?

6. What and where is your favorite hometown hangout?

7. If you could give one piece of advice to people, what would it be?

8. Favorite quote that motivates you:

9. Who would you cast to play you in the movie of your life?

10. What is your guilty pleasure snack?

11. What is your favorite TV sitcom of the 90’s?

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you to the lovely Jessica! Do yourself a favor and head on over to her blog!!! http://www.wildflowersforbrunch.com.

To my favorite lovely people that I have nominated, have fun! Don’t forget to send me the link of your finished product 🙂

 

 

Need you like water in my lungs.

This story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear.

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You feel it.

This silent disconnect from the world.  Floating in the sea and feeling the weight of the world pull you down into the ocean. Drowning yourself in the pain of your own sorrows. Lifeless with no will to fight anymore. The words that you’ve allowed to infect your soul just weighing you down one by one. Thinking of every memory of your past and watch it come apart in your present. Knowing better than the truth and watching yourself succumbing to it’s reality. The lies of someone else’s belief of the truth. The broken parts you can’t help but watch fall even further apart. Believing the same lies and beating yourself up from being fooled for the last time. Deep down you fall deeper in the ocean of these regrets. Knowing better but wishing things had been different. Words were once wishes and desires for something better. Clinging for hope in the mist of desperation. There was once something held so beautifully and now you watch it wash away the deeper you fall. Below the surface and deeper into the abyss. You become the dead weight that others so proudly called you. Lifeless and alone.

I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.

It’s harder to breathe. The venom filled garbage you tell yourself is what suffocates you. You lose the air that you once held so superior above everything else. Replacing it with every negative aspect of your life. The sorrow, the sadness, and at times even the madness. Asking for things to change and accepting the every ounce of the bullshit you feel. Everything inside of you just begging to be set free but no matter how many times you say the words you don’t believe them. The will you had to continue on has frozen inside and sunk below sea level. Trying desperately to grasp it and all you have left are water filled lungs and this emptiness inside. You go through the movements but still feel nothing. Setting your sails up for failure and watching yourself disappear towards the sea. The water is the only thing that will calm your bones. Calm the craziness of the storm that you hold inside of you. Suppressing the screams of madness you hide from the world.

Watching this storm throw your body off course. The rain merged with the tears and all you want is to succumb to it. Allowing the words to cut through you as the wind does. The storm falls short on your own sadness and the more you wish for yourself to wash up on the shore, you can’t. You fall deeper into the sea wishing to disappear. No one knows your sadness better than this storm. The words that haunt you and wash you off course. The salt of your tears matched perfectly with the sea.

But the wrong words will strand you.

Believing those lies. Believing even the kindest of hearts could ever be so impure. Knowing how much love is a risk and at any given moment it will strand you. Still you hold on to the words as unkind as they are because deep down you believe them. They hurt more than anything and still like clockwork you believe them. They were once the hope to get better and now they’re the stones that sink you straight to the bottom. The deep blue sea is a forgiving place but all you want to do is forget. Forgetting is easy for the sailors that play their part. You can’t control the emotions of others, therefore you throw yourself from the sand further to the sea. Sailing away to disappear to forget everything. Everything that caused an ounce of sadness. Everything that made the hurt of heartbreak. Everything that made the illusion of disappearing a dream and the running away a fantasy. You can’t escape the words as much as you can’t escape the sea. The more you think you need someone is the day they let you down. The day they go from saint to sinner, from sailor to stranger.

Needing you is needing forgiveness from a storm. Needing you is needing rain in a never ending drought. Needing you is like needing water in my lungs.

And this is the end.

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You are my center when I spin away.

It’s the nights that keep you wondering. Your thoughts that manage to keep you up at night. No matter how many times you toss and you turn, you just can’t keep the images out. The same people, different faces. The same words, different spaces. This recurring deja vu that haunts you when you sleep. You pick the darkest of the nights to disappear from the world. Fall beneath the cracks and you grab only what you need.

Hit play.
Press Repeat.

You play that song. That one song that you lose everything to. That one that keeps the screams inside, keeps the madness and even the demons at bay. The melody hits, hums and you synchronize your breathing to it. You slowly disappear into the music. Reciting every line by memory and falling deeper inside the melody. The words hit you colder than any winter wind could. You embrace it. All you want is to run away. Running away into the night and fall deeper into the darkness. Watching the mist of the cold swallow you whole and watch yourself disappear. In the darkness is where you leave the worry, the sadness and even the regret. You release all the fears, mistakes and even all the madness you can’t get out in waking day. Lies you continue to tell yourself and for one brief moment you are free. The morning comes and it all disappears. The light washes away the darkness and a new day is upon us. All you have left of the night is the same song you repeat to yourself. The same melody haunts your memories as a soundtrack to your dreams.

No matter how many times you’ve heard that song, it helps you through the day. The lines that stick like second skin to your soul. The melody that transports you to different places and different times. You remember the sadness of being broken and the happiness of being loved. It all disappears the moment the song ends and you can’t help but restart. You love how it haunts you but you hate how it leaves you. Not broken, not sad, just closed off from the world and the people that don’t understand. No one understands this song better than you. Nobody. Then you fall even deeper than you did before.

Slowly you start feeling better. Slowly you find yourself listening to that song less. It’s there when you need it, right where you left it. Only to return when you need it the most. When you’re heart is heavy and you can’t help but fall back to that point. When your mind starts to wonder to the past, the present and even your sick twisted visions of the future. It will be there. Just where you left it. Waiting.

And it will be okay.

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