Month: December 2014

Still believe in magic?

Drum beat mimics your heart beat. You can’t help but feel it too. 3 seconds in you’re hooked. The melody melts into your soul and you completely disappear into the lyrics. You believe every word. It stops you dead in your tracks, hits you when you least expect it to. The emotions, the feelings, and soon you’ve become every word of the song. Captivated in melody and haunted through song.

I call it magic when I’m with you

You fight to remember moments that made you feel this way. The way that hits you in the exact moment that this song does. You pinpoint the emotions and why the memories hit you when they do. They flood your mind with nostalgia and now your memories have a soundtrack. You want to forget and yet you can’t help but remember. There was a time in your life you believed these words, there was a time that haunted you in ways you can’t explain.

And I just got broken, broken into two

You let go of the feeling. Let go of the heartbreak. Consuming yourself in every inch of the song, until you no longer feel broken. No longer feel alone because someone somewhere feels exactly how you’re feeling. You find yourself falling in love with the melody. Falling in love with the words, falling in love with the song. You can’t describe in words how you feel, yet the words to this song describe you completely.

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
“Still believe in magic?”
Well yes, I do
Time passes just as the song fades. People forgive and then soon people forget. You can’t be heartbroken forever. The song haunts you to remember and slowly you find yourself forgetting. You slowly forgive and in the end your truly do forget. Whether you’ve been broken into a thousand pieces or two, memories will always haunt you. In the end you heal and find yourself still believing in magic. The magic of the lyrics, the magic of the song, the magic of the melody that heals your soul. You can’t help your memories but  in the end you can heal your sorrow. Believing in magic is what you do best. Believing in magic because that’s all you have left.
Still believe in magic? Well yes, I do. Of course I do.

 

 

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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.

The very next day you gave it away.

And now the rest of you have that song in your head.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Alright, I came here for a purpose. At the moment I currently have 6 tabs open. Tabs consisting of Amazon, Sephora, Target, Old Navy, and of course Gmail (to track my purchases), it’s that time of year again folks. Aw yes, the holidays.

The holidays in all its mass commercial consumption of never ending spending glory. As of 10:40am on this 12th of December, I have not finished my shopping. To be honest, I don’t believe I was fully prepared for the holidays. I mean who is really prepared for them? The holiday decorations started as early as late August and as of now are in full effect. They were coming whether I liked it or not, and I was going to have to deal with it.

I’ll be honest. I love the holidays. Who doesn’t love an excuse to spread holiday cheer? Not to mention shower the people you care about with items that remind you of them. Holidays are basically the time to go absolutely overboard all for the sake of being jolly. You see it everywhere. In the over abundance of lights, decorations, and yes the festive gluttony of food. Oh, how we love our precious time together. While our bank accounts plummet, we manage to still enjoy this joyous time of year. After all it is the holidays, we’re allowed to over indulge during this time.  Spending time with the people that we love, enjoying every minute of the holidays.

Spend, spend, spend.

Every holiday season, I give myself a budget. After budgeting out my personal expenses (bills, necessities, etc.), I line out an idea of what I plan to spend. This of course is just a general idea. None of which actually works. Often times I over spend, over buy, and put myself in a little holiday debt. With the parties, you’re already factoring out the costs of what you’re bringing, bringing for the host and if you’re me, what you’re wearing to the party. Then comes the December birthdays, the birthdays that don’t associate themselves with the holidays but rather are a holiday in themselves. On top of that you have the mountains of holiday cards with accompanied stamps. Then comes the gifts, equipped with wrapping paper, cards, and more holiday cheer. By the end of the season, after the overwhelming allure of the holiday, you are absolutely wiped out. I am wiped out just by reading this. My bank account has come to a standstill. Don’t get me wrong. I love it. If I were a millionaire, I would spend every last cent to make people happy. Sadly, I am not a millionaire, therefore I am working through this holiday very slowly.

Over the years, I have over spent. The power of the holiday has compelled me to over spend! I buy way too many things, I buy too much wrapping paper and on top of it all, I over spend on myself. Sure the holiday is all about giving rather than receiving but shit, I need some things too! Which comes to my own personal dilemma. When does the spending ever really stop? As much as I want to erase my mountain of debt, I can’t help but add to it. When it comes to the holidays, who is going to stop me for buying things for people that I care about? Well of course the bill collectors are but still. It’s this cycle that can’t be stopped. You save this money for months, then in an instant it’s gone. That’s what I’ve always done. I saved to the point that I can’t save anymore. Then December hits and it’s gone.

Paycheck, savings, gone.

The only person I can really blame is myself. I do it because of this need to give. This desire to spend and not ask for anything in return. Mainly I do it because at the end of the day, it truly does make me happy to see people happy. Even if it’s just to see myself happy after months of not spending money. I of all people know I shouldn’t be spending money. Somewhere between the countless Christmas songs, the twinkling lights and the nostalgia, I just can’t seem to help myself. Who can really? It’s just one month of non-stop spending and come January we wash our debt slate clean. Just one rigorous cycle of spending and then the cycle of saving starts all over again.

Holidays are harder when you’re in debt. You have to over think every purchase, go over everything you really want to get, and more importantly only focus on getting the things you need. Gone are the days of spontaneous spending. Gone are the day of over indulgence. Gone are the days of drained bank accounts and patiently awaiting the next paycheck. This holiday season will be different. I have limits to my spending. Budgets are placed for a reason, whether I like it or not. More importantly as much as I want to over indulge for the people that I love, I just can’t. Sometimes our own person sacrifices come with a price. My price is the need to stop spending. Becoming creative with my spending and finding ways to save money. I wish it were easy. I wish I could just take my whole savings and spend every last cent of it. Sadly I can’t. Trust me, there are so many awesome, beautiful, sparkly things that I want. I just can’t have them. Not right now. Not at this time. I started this holiday season out differently. Planning, budgeting, and even going over the shopping cart item by item. Finding the promo codes, taking advantage of the free shipping, and saving items for another time. Removing items from my basket and just getting only the things I need. It’s a harder process but I know my bank account will thank me for it.

There it is, all of it. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart and now I’m left with a mountain of debt. Here’s to a holiday of being more creative and frugal with my spending. Wish me luck, guys!

 

#Recovery

re·cov·er·y  :

1. The act, process, duration, or an instance of recovering.
2. A return to a normal condition.
3. Something gained or restored in recovering.
4. The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources

 

Recovery.

One word.

4 syllables.

8 letters.

Recovery is one of those tricky words. Where no matter how many times I see the word, I can’t feel it. It doesn’t matter how many times I say the word out loud, or write it down, it just seems unreal to me. It’s just a word. Just a word made up of 4 syllables and 8 letters. Just one word that has so many meanings and I am still trying to grasp it.

Ten years ago if you would have told me I’d be in recovery for an eating disorder, I would have told you, you were crazy. Even just writing that down, is absolutely weird. Ten years ago I couldn’t have even imagined how my life would just fall apart. That who I am today is a fraction of the person I was in the past. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I’m not the same person I was since I started this bullshit mess. That’s what it is to me. It’s bullshit. A waste of my time. My time that I could have spent enjoying life instead of obsessing over every calorie and wondering how much longer it would take to purge everything out. I know parts of me still harbor a monster inside, I’ve just learned how to tame it. Some days I wish I could just start over. New person, new body, just someone different from who I am.

Recovery isn’t easy. Even at my 2 year mark of being eating disorder free, it hasn’t come easily. I still have a hard time with food. I still obsess about the outcome of everything I put into my body. While I am healthy it’s still hard for me to come to terms with the body I see before me. I look back at photographs of when I was sick and couldn’t understand why I was so hard on myself. Why I treated myself so poorly and hurt myself so many times. Its hard to look at the scale and see the numbers increase instead of decrease. It’s hard to see people work toward their fitness goals and I’m just slowly coming to terms with my body. A part of me tries to look on the bright side but reality is it’s hard. It’s hard to hold back the urge to be my expectation of perfection. It’s hard to see my body change and be okay with it. This is reality and most of the time I am not okay with what I see.

Recovery is a process. Its this work in progress motion that brings us to where we need to be. Every day I struggle with the balance of feeling okay and feeling miserable. Just as with emotions some days are good and some days are complete nightmares. Even at two years, I still have so much to work on. I need to find that balance of letting go and being okay. To find that realization that being healthy is better than being perfect. It still gives me severe anxiety to hear people talk about their bodies. Somewhere in my twisted mind, I start to think that about myself. I snap out of it but the struggle starts all over again. This never ending struggle of being okay and being perfect.  I wish that with recovery you can just erase the past years and be completely healed. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much to hide this pain. The reality is you have to let that notion go. Let all those negative feelings leave and look at the positive things. I am healthy now. I am getting better. With each year, I find strength through the struggle. I will never be my expectation of perfect. I will always struggle with how I look. I have to be able to come to terms with being healthy is better then dying.

Recovery is my salvation. Recovery is what will eventually set me free from this bullshit feeling. Getting rid of a lifetime of negativity won’t happen in a day. As much as I wish for this feeling to disappear instantly, I know that every day is a process. I am always going to be a work in progress, I just have to finally be okay with the imperfections. I am not and nor will I ever be perfect, I just have to accept that. Only then will I truly be free.

Here’s to healing and all it’s glory.

 

White Blank Page.

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You were brave.

Brave in the notion that you could spit out your frustrations, without a care in the world. Brave in never having to worry about the consequences of your actions. The words spilling out of you like rain in a rainstorm. I wasn’t prepared for your hurricanes and the damage it would leave behind. Brave in thinking that staying quiet would hide your valor in everything that you do. Eventually the armor fades and before we are whole, we bend to break. Like a fool we cling to those words and the choices end with our downfall, still I cling to every word.

Every word.

Things were suppose to be different. You were suppose to be different. Instead like the others you mimic their same notions. Their same mannerisms you studied and kept for yourself. How mighty you felt when you whispered in the dark, yet violently exited as soon as the sun rose. You weren’t different, you just knew how to masquerade all your imperfections. Still you rose from your storms without a scratch. How I clawed and bled through every word, and yet you remain perfectly intact. The slates were wiped clean on your part, and still I struggled to scrub mine. It’s easy to pretend that silence means strength. That somewhere through the storm you come up victorious as the sun shines through the clouds. Instead, I watch the clouds grow darker and angrier through the procession of this storm. The greys through the slates and the ever thunderous rain that follows.

My imperfections made me weak. They created a barrier of sadness that couldn’t be masked. Instead I watched as words went through and scared into my heart. The rain never stopped, even after you left me with the damage of your storm. Was it my fault for believing in someone so brave? Was it my fault for pretending to be fine through it all? I never bothered to notice the flood beneath my feet. All that mattered was the illusion I gave that the storm came and left, once you were gone. I saw the rain as a clean slate. I saw the storm as a warning. I never imagined the hurricane you gave me, once you started the storm. Still I believed your bravery. Word for word.

You were so brave.

Brave in thinking I would stay hurt forever. Brave in thinking no one would ever find out. People change and in the end you weren’t so brave after all.

Now they know.

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