Month: January 2015

Friday Night Lights.

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I live for Friday nights.

When the sun sets and you just can’t bring yourself to go home. I am in love with the illusions of the afternoon skies with their dusky dark violets and hazy pinks that blend together so effortlessly.

I can’t go home.

Not yet.

Now is when the fun starts. When the glowing lights of the street lights illuminate the dark skies. Every station you change is playing your favorite song and you start to come alive. You put your armor on better than you ever have, you start going into battle with just one more coat of your war paint. It’s how it starts. I won’t come back until the familiar streets become a memory of the week. I won’t come home until my soul feels whole and my life comes alive. It doesn’t matter where you land but it matters where you go.

Anywhere but here.

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You stop then you go. Then you’re right back where you started from. Leaving is always easy when you want to live. Be alive in the nights and sleep away the days. Friday nights are different. They’re an excuse to be young and reckless and believe that you waited your whole week for this moment. This moment to say goodbye to the bullshit responsibilities of the day. 3 cheers to the night. Another round of drinks to complete the awkward fidgeting and tame the shallow talks of nothing. Speaking so fast it’s hard to keep up, another drink comes around and your speech comes in slow. You’re better than you were in the start of the week. You’re better than you could ever imagine.

My voice becomes faint and my sight becomes hazy. How did I get to this point? How did I let myself go in this illusion of being young? I am too young to listen, and too old to care. One more drink. One more drink before last call. One last drink to show these strangers that they are my new friends. Liquid courage to break me from my insecurities. Telling secrets to the people I don’t know but know everything about me.

Friday nights wake into Sunday mornings. The cycle continues. Youthful illusions of being unstoppable surrounded by strangers you believe are your friends. It’s how it starts. Leaving and letting go and returning to reality. We have to come home some day. We have to return to our same routines. Eventually we have to grow up someday. Not tonight. Not this time. Driving past the streets you grew up on. Screaming line from line of every song that makes you feel alive. At this moment I am unstoppable. At this moment I feel alive.

At least for the night.

Tonight.

 

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So sick of being tired.

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My body likes to shut down for numerous reasons. Mainly that life happens fast and my body’s natural reaction is to slow down. Slow down, regroup, and rest. Personally I hate it, find it completely vulnerable and can’t help but feel extremely lazy (on top of my natural level of laziness). Sleeping, liquids, water, and drowning in a sea of my own self pity. I hate being sick. I hate slowing down. I hate admitting defeat when all I want to do is run and jump to the next thing. My mind moves a million miles a minute, when I am sick, I can’t feel anything. In terms we can all relate to it honestly blows being sick.

Being sick brings out all your vulnerabilities. I literally mean everything. I found myself crying for many different reasons and then for no reasons at all. I understand our bodies need to purge out all these toxins but this is ridiculous. All these buttons are being pressed and I can’t help but feel everything. Then again, I can’t feel anything. The crying sessions last a minute and then I am back to feeling like a zombie. No amount of over the counter medications can hide you from your true feelings. Even if your true feelings make you think of something that happened in the 7th grade. Maybe I am still the emo kid that has a wide range of feelings. Maybe being sick is a way of reminding me of my roots. What ever the reasoning, it still sucks.

Vulnerability is something I am starting to get use to. Expressing feelings, actually saying how I feel instead of hiding it from the world. It’s weird how you’re emotions change when you’re sick. You’re forced to show people that you’re completely miserable. No amount of makeup can hide your sneezing, no amount of beautiful clothes can shield you from the pain. It’s miserable. It’s maddening. It’s absolutely bat-shit crazy to show how much you’re feeling. Every once in a while it’s good to let go, good to be taken care of. Even if we don’t ask for help, it’s nice to know that people are there to help you. While I hate losing days to sleep and misery, I know in the end my body will thank me for it. I needed this rest, I needed to purge out all these toxins, and more importantly I needed to cry and feel everything.

I can hide from everything in the world, I just can’t hide from sickness. No matter what I do.

UGH.

 

 

New York, I Love You but you’re bringing me down.

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When I think of running away, I think of New York.

I imagine the giant skyscrapers hiding me beneath their feet. The hustle of the people coming to and from destinations. Getting lost among the crowds that swallow you whole then spit you out. If you could make it here, you could make it anywhere. Those words are what brought me here so many times. What catapulted the illusion of leaving and being lost in city so astronomically grand.

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I’ve had my fair share of travels but it was always New York. Always New York that I whispered under my breath and beating in my heart. It was a city of reinvention. Staring over. Losing yourself amongst the crowds and the herds of people. It was more than a city. It was a new beginning. A fresh start and every cliche characteristic you could think of. I left my heart in San Francisco but my heartbreak was on ever corner in New York. To the boys I danced with, to the boys I kissed, every lovesick bad chord between the bars. I cried my last tear, sharing cigarettes with strangers in my drunken bliss of forgetfulness.

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You could walk down the street of every city but they will never be New York. They will never have the life and chaos in every step. The colorful characters in every corner. The bright lights that over power every sunset and sunrise. That feeling of kinship with every stranger. As beautiful of a city, as majestic as it seems, theres still a loneliness that harbors below the surface. This chill that cuts you to the core and squeezes at your heart. Sometimes when you hide from the world all you really want is for someone to find you. Find your broken existence. You could sit on a million stoops. Stare out a hundred windows and you’ll never find what you’re looking for. Don’t search for things that are no longer there. Don’t go looking for people that have already left. Don’t go to cities that will only break your heart. New York, I love you but you’re bringing me down.

And I could never live there.

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I’m on my own hustle.

Another day, Another dollar.

Every new day that approaches is just another day to keep myself financially afloat. Finding creative ways to save money and even more creative ways to make money. Being in debt isn’t easy. You’re constantly trying to control every aspect of your finances and budgeting ways to make even the simplest things happen.  Basically if you read the fine print about my life, being in debt majorly sucks (along with a million other psychological scars). Weeding out a lot of the wants and focusing on only what I need, is one of the main factors of my budgeting. For the most part I have been doing well with taking care of my finances. I’ve stopped living paycheck to paycheck. I haven’t overdrafted my account in months. I have even managed to save money to pay a good chunk of my debt, as well as splurge on much needed fun vacations. While I am on my own hustle, I am completely aware that everyone else is on their own personal hustle. I get it. Times are rough. People need that extra chump change to pay for expenses. My personal dilemma is that I am a sucker for sob stories. If you tell me you don’t have any money, I believe you. If you tell me that your life is rough, I believe you. Which therefore makes me the biggest target.

People are natural born salesmen. They have the eyes and the ears to prey on human emotion. I know mainly because I have in my youth manipulated situations to get my way (who hasn’t). In this day and age people are becoming desperate in their attempts to make money. There are thousands of get rich scams born every day and some more obvious than the rest. I am just here to tell you that I get it. You don’t have to sell me on product. You don’t have to tell me how so and so product is the greatest thing since sliced bread. You don’t have to tell me that the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on product, your one product can do is less than 10 minutes. I GET IT. What gets me and absolutely breaks my heart are the sob stories that follow. The over all theme of every hustle is “I am broke, please buy my product”. What do I do? I buy the product. Told you I was a sucker.

Let me just get one thing straight, I am all for the hustle. Times are rough and making money at times isn’t as easy as going out and getting a job. We all want this lifestyle of never having to worry about money. Never having to pinch pennies to make ends meet. As I have stated times are rough, we all find ways to make up those extra expenses. We work longer hours to get our overtime pay. We take up extra responsibilities and at times take up an extra job or two. Sometimes that isn’t enough. We’ve already sacrificed many of our favorite things to make up for our expenses. Because of our expenses we turn to these get rich scams to help us out of a situations. We turn to the Mary Kay/Avon/Party Lite/ Tupperware parties to be our salvation for our needs. Like the sucker that I am, I fall into the trap. I fall for the “You don’t have to pay anything” pretense of the party, the allure of the appetizers, and sell of a great story. While I have been told multiple times, I don’t have to buy anything, I can’t help but buy. For every party that I have attended, if you sell me on a product more than likely I will buy it. If you tell me the wax doesn’t burn, I will believe you. If you tell me I’m spending too much money a basic lipstick and your formula is better for cheaper, I will believe you. I am being sold on an idea that this is the best product and all I am really seeing is that you need my help.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the next great product. However, I have drawers full of the next great product. Literally drawers full of varieties of makeup, shampoos, supplies, and all housed in their individual Tupperware container. One of my main problems with my debt is my inability to say “No”. When you invite me to your parties, I go to support you. While I know there is no obligations to purchase, I can’t help myself. I want to help you, I want you to be successful in your hustle. Sometimes helping your hustle is draining my own. As much I want to give you all the tools you need to succeed, I can’t help but fail myself in my own needs. I hate to be the bad guy and no matter what I say, I’m going to be the bad guy.  Truth of the matter is I do not have the money to spend.  To be completely blunt and honest, I don’t need whatever you are selling me. Unless it’s a magical eraser that will completely erase my debt, that is the only thing that I truly need. If I can’t spend money on myself, I’m sorry but I can’t help you in your hustle. Trust me when I say, I want to help you. Trust me when I say, I truly understand.

You have to understand where I am coming from. I have spent every last cent of my own money to help people out. I just don’t have it in my heart to keep saying yes, unfortunately I need to be realistic and start saying NO.  It’s not that I don’t believe in you, I do. Just out of respect for my own wallet and my own sanity, I have to politely decline. Please do not invite me to your hustle parties. Please do not try and sell me on the next great product. Please for whatever reason do not sell me on your sob story. I will support you in all that you do. I will pass out a catalog, and drop your name and the product you are selling to everyone. I will be more than happy to share your listings and your posts, but please do not pressure me to purchase. Debt is a 4 letter word that has consumed my life and I must focus on my own hustle before I can focus on yours. While I wish you luck in all your many pursuits, I just respect that you keep me out of them.

Thank you.

 

Where do I belong.

When you’re little you imagine going to far off places. Living in big beautiful cities. Meeting crazy characters that end up being the main focal points of your story. These make believe places that you dream about are all places you’ve heard about in films, songs, and books. You live this free existence that no one really understands. Why would you leave whats familiar into something you’ve never seen? The moments that act as they’ll last forever. The memories that hold you back from your fears. Those moments of being young and reckless without a care in the world.

Yesterday I packed my bags and said I was leaving.

Yesterday.

It seemed farther away than I imagined.

I boxed up every memory. Tore apart every photo. Said I was leaving and never coming back. Never say never, right?

Entranced by big lights and cityscapes, leaving the confides of your hometown to something bigger. This illusion you gave yourself when you were younger. Everything is better somewhere else. Everything is going to change once you change yourself. Failing wasn’t an option, it wasn’t even a footnote in your story. You pack everything you own into suitcases and boxes and hope for the best of everything you want. I didn’t know where I belonged, but I knew I belonged somewhere.

Yesterday.

I said I was leaving. I said I wasn’t going to come back until I made something of myself.

Yesterday.

Today, I felt like a stranger in my own hometown. Today the familiar faces that I grew up with are growing up. Did I miss the mark on being a grown up, believing that reality happened outside of your hometown? Chasing dreams, following strangers, and believing in illusions, everything I believed in yesterday. Today, I stopped believing.  There’s nothing like the present to frighten the past. It doesn’t matter how many places you’ve been, you could always come home. It doesn’t matter how many memories you have, you still haven’t gone very far.

Today, I felt stuck in my hometown. Today the streets that intertwined with the memories of the past, followed me into my present. You could always come home. The same faces, same ceilings, same old haunted stories, you could always come home to. I know every place and street in this town. I know the people, their stories, and their history. I know that after every darken night with bright lights, comes a sun lit sobering morning. Coming home isn’t always an option, coming home isn’t always a choice. Sometimes, coming home is all you have left once your spirit is broken and your dreams fade. My dreams were always bigger than my hometown, but today I can’t help but feel so small. Something bigger is coming, I know it. For the moment I have to settle for the sobering confides of my small town. Piece together the dreams of yesterday I have left. Piece together every scrap of an illusion that made me want to leave in the first place.

Today I said I would be different than yesterday. Today I said I’ll give this all a second chance. Today, I’ll figure out where I belong. Where do I belong?

Yesterday, I said I was leaving. I can’t help but wish that I was. Packing up every memory and starting over. Today, I’ll settle to stay home. If only for a little while.

Here’s to us fools that have no meaning.

“Here’s to us fools that have no meaning
I tip my glass to you
Let’s toast the night away to friends
And forget about tomorrow…”

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2014 started with a haircut.

I really didn’t except much from 2014. I make a mountain of resolutions but never keep them. I make promises to be better but hardly ever follow through. Year after year is just the same chaotic life wrapped up with new promises. 2014 was different. I probably say that about everything, but honestly 2014 was completely different then all the years prior.

2014 was my year of change.

When you’re used to your comfort zone you almost forget what life is outside of it. Working the same job, visiting the same places, doing the same thing. I am all for change but I hardly ever do it. It’s that fear of something going terribly wrong and paying for the consequences. Which is the reason why I stay in jobs I don’t care for, stay friends with people who treat me unfairly, all of which causes me to be miserable. When you’re unhappy, you live unhappily. Everything is negative and finding a silver lining always seems never ending. I was on this sinking ship of life that I wasn’t sure I could continue keeping afloat. It stopped at 2013 and ended with 2014.

It started with a haircut.

When a woman cuts her hair, she’s about to change her life.

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I’ve managed to keep a shield around myself for quite sometime. For a long time my hair had been my armor. Something I hide behind like the layers of my emotions I shielded from everyone.  My hair became my identity to the extent that I had no control over it. I kept my hair long because of the constant praise I was given for it. It became this thing people talked about before they even looked at me. I enjoyed the praise. I loved my hair but something inside of me just wanted something more. Something different. Everything that I hid from wasn’t making my life better and my hair couldn’t shield away everything. There were chips in my armor and I knew eventually something had to change.

On Dec 31, 2013, I sat in a little salon in Mexico with a can of Coke in my hand and told the hairdresser to cut it. I had gone back and forth about whether or not to cut it. The part of me that had grown fond of my shield, my armor that had seen me through every struggle, just couldn’t let go. It took me to get out of my comfort zone and be in a completely different country to just go ahead and do it. If I waited another second, I would have stopped myself. If I had been home, I would have talked myself out of it. But I wasn’t home. I wasn’t with the familiar faces I see every day. I wasn’t around anyone that praised me for my hair. Before I knew it my shield was gone and my new life began.

Looking back at 2014, I let go of a lot of things that were holding me back. I found myself focusing on the things in life that needed changing. Cutting my hair was more than just the start of the cycle of change, it became the domino effect of things I needed to fix to make my life better. I started expressing myself creatively, I started speaking my opinions, more importantly I started to let go of things I didn’t need anymore. I stopped focusing on jobs that made me feel miserable. I stopped focusing on friendships that didn’t last. More importantly, I stopping hiding from my problems. My hair was my armor from the world and after cutting it, it let me be free. I realized how much I missed out on my life, shielding myself with my armor.  The moment I stopped focusing on my surroundings is the moment I finally started focusing on myself. Everything clicked. Money wasn’t going to solve my problems, no one person was ever going to make me happy, and more importantly I needed to love myself to ever feel an ounce of okay.

I would have never had known that sitting in a tiny salon in Mexico, how much my life would change. How much it made me truly appreciate all the great things I have in my life. The love I have from my family. The support and compassion of my friends. More importantly that I am better than my past. My life is a work in progress and every day is a chance to turn everything  around. I can’t continue to dwell on my shortcomings and why I have been handed this short end of the stick. Truth is in the past I wasn’t ready for change. Emotionally I wasn’t capable to handle change at that current moment. Change wasn’t something I could force myself to do, change was something I had to come up with on my own. I needed to feel hurt and this pain in order to grow from it. I had to go through my past in order to solider on through my present. The New Year challenged my old ways of thinking and planted the seeds to change my life around.

Going into 2015, I embrace all the new year has to offer. I embrace the new beginning and fully embrace the change that comes with it. I go into the new year with a full appreciation of life. No longer will my past hold me back. No longer will the stupid insecurities take a hold of me. More importantly at the end of the day, this is my life and no one else is going to live it for me.

Goodbye 2014.

Here’s to us fools that have no meaning.

 

 

 

 

 

Sing me to sleep.

There’s that moment between night and morning, and I think of you. The moment the night dark skies slowly fades into the lights of the early morning. You escape my dreams and shake me awake. I see you so vividly and slowly watch you fade away. I see the sunlight slowly taking you away. There are moments I want to reach for you, but I stop. I’m tired and no matter how close you seem, you’re always so far away.

I drank too much last night. Every last drop to make the memories disappear. To drown the sounds of your voice. To take away the feelings of guilt and sadness. This desperation of needing someone, something, anything. Take away these feelings. Take away this pain. In the back of my mind it’s always you there saying how much you need me. How it was always me, you came back to. But I’m the one thats alone. I’m the one there drink after drink, alone.

If this moment is a dream, I hope I wake up. I hope all this sleeping and exhaustion amounts for something. You visit me in my dreams and you shake me awake. In dreams is the only place, you still have a memory. In dreams is the place that I knew you best. I was always the dreamer and you wished me awake. What good is being awake, if you’re not there? What good is reality when all you’re left is with sadness?

It’s that moment between night and morning. That moment when the sunrise starts to hit the dark spaces in my room. It’s the moment you start disappearing. The moment I realize it was all just a dream.

Your words sing me to sleep. Some days, I just don’t want to wake up.

6/8/2008

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12 Uvas de Ano Nuevo. 12 Grapes for New Year.

 

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12 Grapes of Destiny. SIKE. 12 Grapes/Uvas of the New Year. 2015

 

Every New Year’s Eve, it is customary in my household that we eat the 12 grapes of destiny at precisely 12am. Okay, they’re not reallllly called the 12 grapes of destiny. It’s basically an old superstition, that after consuming the 12 grapes (that represent each month of the year), that you make a wish for each grape (month). It is to ensure good luck into the upcoming year, along with many other superstitions. It’s a practice that we as a family have been doing for years.

While I am all for superstitions, I never really gave much thought to them. Most of my wishes always seemed far fetched. Just something to pass the time before everyone cheered to the new year.  Some realistic, some outrageous, and some just the same thing I ask every year. This year I wanted things to be different. I always had resolutions but wishes always seemed to run along the lines of Unicorns and Wizards (which are both AWESOME). While 2014 was my year of change (which I will get into on another post), 2015 is going to be the year of progress and productivity. It is rather cliché to say anything about resolutions but wishes?

Wishes are boss and I’m going to talk about what I wish for in the upcoming 12 months.

1. Travel.

Travel is always number 1 on my wish list. I believe travelling is one of the greatest experiences anyone can do in their lifetime.  It’s no surprise that I love to travel. In 2014 alone, I travelled to a few more places that I never imagined I would visit. Of course I visited my same sacred haunts but experiencing different places is always magical to me. Everyone needs to travel some place completely different and my wish for 2015 is to travel to different far off destinations. There is so much of the world that I want to explore and so many experiences I could only dream of discovering.

2. Get out of my Comfort zone. Try new things.

I am a creature of habit with a minor in insecurities. I have a tendency of doing only the things that won’t cause me any stress or anxiety. It’s really hard at times to get out of my comfort zone, when my comfort zone is very comfy. Over the course of 2014, I slowly started dipping my toes out of my comfort zone. I don’t mind trying new things but I’m so used to my routine that I never stray away from it. 2015 will be the year of trying new things and putting a full foot out of my comfort zone.

3. Stop making Excuses.

Here’s the thing. I make an excuse for everything. I’m good at making excuses. If you need help getting out of any situation, call me and I will make up an excuse for you.  It’s just what I do to get out of anything. It’s absolutely terrible but I can’t help myself but do it. For the past couple of years I have made excuses for everything, this year 2015, it stops. I’m tired of making up excuses. I am tired of delaying progress. This is the year that things happen, instead of making an excuse as to why it didn’t happen.

4. Be Healthy.

This ties into #3. I am the most unhealthy person. I know my young hot body will fool you, but I’m severely unhealthy. While I am not as bad as I used to be, I’m still not where I need to be. I make up excuses as to why am I not being active and most of them (okay ALL of them) are lies. It’s part laziness and part fear, and a huge part of just one big excuse of not wanting to do it. 2015 is the year that the excuses stop, and the getting healthy begins. While I know that I will never be some crazy health nut,  I just want to get to the point that I feel better. I have been the most unkind to my body, and it’s about time I started treating it right.

5. Stop being negative. Stop hating.

One of my most unhealthy qualities is being negative. I am my own worst enemy. It doesn’t stop with how I treat myself but my opinions of others. Instead of being positive, I find myself just being downright mean. I don’t know what causes me to do, but it happens all the time. I should be more positive. I should  stop caring about what other people do and start focusing on my own life. I’ve spent years just nitpicking everyone that it’s driven me to be a hater. I love talking shit but hate when the shit talking comes back to me. Who am I to judge people? Honestly, I am nobody. I don’t have my life together, I am not any close to where I need to be, and still I sit and judge people. On top of it all, I handicap my own life with my negativity. Instead of being proactive with my life, I sit and dwell on my own personal bullshit. Time to stop being negative and stop being a hater.

6. Get my life together.

I wish for this every year. Every year something happens and just when I think I’ve gotten ahead, I fall 17 steps back. Stop spending time wishing and start doing. I have spent the past few years just going through the motions when I should have been saving, planning, doing. Last year was an awakening. I don’t just need to get my life together, I will get my life together. I have been waiting for people for years, when I should have been doing things for myself. This is my life and I can’t wait around for opportunities anymore. Once I see an opportunity, I need to start taking them.

7. Letting go of people.

This blog has been my dedication of letting things go. There are some things I can’t stop holding on to. I have a problem with letting people go. The people that have hurt me, the people that have used me, and even friendships with people that haven’t been around for me. I hold on to these people in the hopes that they will change. That somehow they will comeback and be a good friend to me. Truth is as much as I expect people to change, most people don’t. Everyone is on their own hustle and as much as I am happy for their hustle, it leaves me in the dust. I’m tired of being everyone’s “break in case of emergency” friend. I am tired of waiting around for people that will never change. On top of that, I am tired of putting the effort for  people that don’t put the smallest effort for me. I understand that friendships work both ways, but why am I always the person to have to contact people? Why do I care more about a friendship when other people don’t? This year, I just need to let those people go. Stop with communications, stop putting out the effort, and eventually stop being a friend. I know who my friends are and I am content with that.

8. The Great Outdoors.

Here’s something you may or may not know about me. I hate being outside. Unless being outside revolves around a BBQ, baseball game, or outdoor mall, I just can’t do it. I realized after a lifetime hiatus of not being an outdoors person, I needed to go outdoors more. I needed to be one with nature, see the sights, and of course be outdoors. While I still get a tiny anxiety being outside, I know that in the end it will do me some good. Sunshine is good for you right? So, I’ve heard.

9. Be kinder to myself.

I am my worst critic. I have done everything and anything to hurt my body. It’s taken years to fully appreciate my progress and be in love with my body. Not only my body, but be in love with myself. I am always clouded by other people’s judgments or even my own insecurities. I have a hard time understanding that everything is a work in progress. I may not be 100% the person I want to be but I have to be okay with the journey.

10. More conversation, less social media.

I love social media. I love social media for the aspect that people get a personal glimpse into my life that they seldom ever get. My problem is I rely too much on social media that I forget to have real conversations with people. Social media has increased my anxiety around people and decreased my level of interaction. If I am uncomfortable in a situation, I text someone. If I am insecure about something, I fidget with my phone and take pictures. I have such a hard time interacting with people that I turn to social media to help me interact with people. While social media has helped with meeting new people, it hasn’t helped me talk with people in real life. I told myself I was going to start being more involved. While I will still be on social media, I will take more time to talk to people. More real conversations with real people. Less small talk and more real talk.

11. Read more Books.

As many know, I have a problem with spending. Therefore, I tend to spend on millions of things. Some of those  millions of things, happen to be books. I can’t tell you how many piles of books I have. Books, I have started. Books, I am half way through. Books, I haven’t even started. 2014, I made it my goal to read 10 books before the new year. I was very proud when I realized I had read 12 books, 2 more than my quota! YAY ME! However, I also purchased 10 more books (I KNOW but I said I was “Getting my life together” OKAY!). We will see where this goes. Hopefully, I will finish all the books, as well as the books that still need to be finished. 15 books for 2015? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

12. Learn more about my culture.

If you don’t already know, I am of Mexican descent. For the past couple of years, I have made it my mission to learn more things about my culture. Whether it be about my own family history, learning about Mexico’s history, or even learning to cook different recipes. More importantly, I want to learn more about my family. I have a very large family on both my mother and my father side, I want to learn as much as I can from each member of the family. I want to see life through different people’s perspective. I want to get to know my family both culturally, as well as personally. There’s so much you miss out on with family living in another county. Which is the reason why I want to learn as much as I can from family. What better way to get to know your culture then by your own family, right?

 

These are my wishes for the upcoming 2015 year. I intended to make this list more realistic than I have in years. Things I can make come true and accomplish in reality. 2015 will be my year of progress and productivity. I will be more creative this year, I will go on more adventures, and I will fully let things go. 2015 feels different from all the other years. It’s a year of getting things done!!

Here’s to a brand spanking new year and well wishes for 2015!

 

 

 

The Self-Care Tag.

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I will be completely honest.

The past couple of weeks have not been the greatest. I can blame it on a million different ideas of things but truth is I’m just burnt out emotionally. Holidays always seem to put me in some weird rut, and it causes me to not be the nicest to myself. I over indulge in everything which in turn makes me feel terrible. It’s not that I am ungrateful, it’s that old demons die hard.

When the lovely and amazing Jessica (www.wildflowersforbrunch.com) tagged me on this post, I delayed this until I can fully commit myself to it. Thank you, Jessica, I needed to get out of my rut and feel better. ❤

What better than a new year to talk about Self-Care right?

3 cheers for Jessica!!! If you haven’t checked out her blog, I RECOMMEND IT!! It’s lovely! 🙂

And more Cheers to another year of new beginnings!!!!

woot!

  1. What piece of advice would you give a child about to grow up with the pressures of today’s media and its crushing expectations?

Think before you post. That one photo you think is so funny will come back to haunt you years from now. Not just photos. Words, sayings, anything. You have to be really cautious with what you put out there in the social media world. Always be aware that what you post is a representation of yourself. Also don’t be a bully. There are way too many assholes in this world, don’t be another one of them.

  1. What song puts you in a good mood every time?

“Wake up” by Arcade Fire.
“The First Single” by The Format
“Aside” By The Weakerthans

They literally get me stomping my feet and clapping my hands. Absolutely magical songs.

  1. What is the best advice someone gave you or you realized about life?

“Life is too short to worry about petty bullshit”. My nephew passed away from cancer, and as simple as that saying is and cliche as it sounds he lived and breathed that sentiment. Any time anyone would complain about something he would be quick to say that. He’s right. Life is too short to worry about petty bullshit. Life is meant to be lived and lived beautifully.

  1. Who makes you giggle like a giggle monster?

My friends. All of them. Just our normal day to day banter that is just unbelievably funny. I have some amazingly sarcastic friends. If you’re not sarcastic with good banter, I’m gonna have to doubt friendship.

  1. What is something about society that bugs you that you wish didn’t?

Here is the thing. I get the constant need for social media. I understand the public’s need to know everyone’s social standings and coming and goings. I just hate the loss of communication. It’s hard having conversation enough with people but worse the moment a person stops to send a text or take a phone call. My time is valuable and if you sit across from me and have this need to answer various texts, post on social media, send a snap, etc., it doesn’t make me feel welcome. I understand we are all guilty of it, I’m even guilty of it, but it makes me feel like I wasted my time coming to meet people. If you wanted to be on your phone the whole time, maybe I should have stayed home and texted you. It’s just rude.

  1. What is one of your favorite things to do on the weekends?

Friday nights are my nights. I love seeing movies, I love meeting friends for drinks. I don’t drink as much as I used to but I love a great beer. My club days are over. My Friday night parties are over. I honestly just love having a great meal, having a drink, and having some good conversation. Saturday is just catching up on errands. I’ll usually plan an outing to the city or local. Nothing to crazy. I usually say, I’ll do some “hood things” but thats basically an errand at Target or going to the grocery store. I know, I’m basically living the life. Sunday is the chill day. Its very rare if I do anything on Sunday. Sundays are made for cleanup, laundry, fixing up the gross mess of the week. I honestly just chill as much as I can.

Living the rockstar life. I KNOW

  1. What is something you’re really proud of that you’ve done?

Being honest and talking about my feelings. I started this blog about a year ago as an outlet to discuss my problems with debt and money, and it opened up the flood gates of everything. I didn’t realize how much of everything I really kept inside. People think because you keep quiet that nothing is wrong. Truth was I was hurting for a long time that I had no way to express myself. This became my outlet to let everything go.

  1. What is one of your favorite memories with a friend?

I have too many. Honestly, I can’t single any out. I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my lifetime with friends that would make the Hangover look like Sesame Street. However some of my greatest memories I have with my friends are usually the coming home from the crazy adventures and sitting in silence. Maybe it’s the reflection of all the crazy antics we have done and knowing that no matter what, we have these great memories.

  1. What advice would you give to someone who needs a boost in confidence?

Listen to your favorite song. Scream it as loud as you can. Then kick some ass (not literal ass, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN).

  1. Lastly, how do you plan on investing in self-love?

Treating myself better. I’ve spent the last couple of years being miserable. Finally just want to get to the point of being better to myself. Thinking positively. Eating better and just over all feeling better.

I tag the following:

Katzi – She Loves You and So Do I – shelovesyoublog.blogspot.com

Abigail – Hey Darling Love – http://www.heydarlinglove.com

Crystal – Imakesht – http://www.Imakesht.wordpress.com

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers.

Every once in a while you forget who you are completely. You disappear into fragments of who you once were. The stories you’ve told a hundred times, become the stories you desperately run away from. How wise it would be to leave all the madness behind. Watch the world through someone else’s eyes. Disappear completely, to find yourself again.

Madness in all it’s crazy glory.

You want to rid yourself of your old life. Cut out the toxic nonsense and burn all the photographs. Take everything you once believed to be pure and throw it all away. Bury it completely. Claw your skin until everything is out underneath. Start over. New people, new faces, new skin, anything then what is in front you. Run toward the largest city and disappear into the crowds, anything to runaway from these feelings. The regret, the desperation and even the sadness that is occupied by the countless madness talks.

We’re all going mad.

What made life something to which we run away from? What made these crazy thoughts worth our time? Disappearing to hide from the desperation of reality. The fools that made you believe, the broken hearted corpses you can’t help but attach yourself to. We were young, we were foolish, and deep down we can’t help believing. You give everything away to feel better. Hoping that in the end you will be fine. We are all the little broken inside. We are all going a little mad. Catching glimpses of our former selves in pieces of people that we used to know.

It takes more then a day to rid ourselves of these feelings. Is it ever really over? Is it ever really forgotten? Here I go with all my feelings and letting go. Everything and everyone.

Gone.