My body likes to shut down for numerous reasons. Mainly that life happens fast and my body’s natural reaction is to slow down. Slow down, regroup, and rest. Personally I hate it, find it completely vulnerable and can’t help but feel extremely lazy (on top of my natural level of laziness). Sleeping, liquids, water, and drowning in a sea of my own self pity. I hate being sick. I hate slowing down. I hate admitting defeat when all I want to do is run and jump to the next thing. My mind moves a million miles a minute, when I am sick, I can’t feel anything. In terms we can all relate to it honestly blows being sick.
Being sick brings out all your vulnerabilities. I literally mean everything. I found myself crying for many different reasons and then for no reasons at all. I understand our bodies need to purge out all these toxins but this is ridiculous. All these buttons are being pressed and I can’t help but feel everything. Then again, I can’t feel anything. The crying sessions last a minute and then I am back to feeling like a zombie. No amount of over the counter medications can hide you from your true feelings. Even if your true feelings make you think of something that happened in the 7th grade. Maybe I am still the emo kid that has a wide range of feelings. Maybe being sick is a way of reminding me of my roots. What ever the reasoning, it still sucks.
Vulnerability is something I am starting to get use to. Expressing feelings, actually saying how I feel instead of hiding it from the world. It’s weird how you’re emotions change when you’re sick. You’re forced to show people that you’re completely miserable. No amount of makeup can hide your sneezing, no amount of beautiful clothes can shield you from the pain. It’s miserable. It’s maddening. It’s absolutely bat-shit crazy to show how much you’re feeling. Every once in a while it’s good to let go, good to be taken care of. Even if we don’t ask for help, it’s nice to know that people are there to help you. While I hate losing days to sleep and misery, I know in the end my body will thank me for it. I needed this rest, I needed to purge out all these toxins, and more importantly I needed to cry and feel everything.
I can hide from everything in the world, I just can’t hide from sickness. No matter what I do.