What a difference a year makes..
March 9, 2015, will mark a year since I started writing in 30, Fabulous, & Broke aka “This is why I can’t have nice things”. I started this blog on the premise of discussing and fully understanding where my money goes. Why a person of my age (the graceful age of 32) cannot get a handle of her money and the rest of my peers can. In order to see where my money goes, I started to catalog when I started to go wrong in the money department. I loved money, but I had a hard time keeping money as I started to get older. With a mountain of accumulated debts, I needed to see what was so important that I constantly felt the need to throw my money away.
When I started this blog, I was not expecting people to read this. Sure I love storying telling as much as the next person, but I honestly believed that maybe only 1 person would read this. While I am proud of my blog Broke City Style, I wasn’t sure how people would take my own person approach to this blog. This blog is my life as it happened and is happening. This is my heart and soul on the line. I tend to hide all of my emotions and to admit to my debts, meant admitting failure. Was I ready to tell the world of my problems? To be honest, I wasn’t. You reach a point in your life where enough is enough. My debt was the weight of the world on my shoulders and emotionally it was eating me up inside. It was either stay silent and feel miserable or write about my problems. Throughout this year, I didn’t expect anything aside from pinching a few pennies and talking about it. I wasn’t expecting to understand that the root of all my money problems was an emotional bleed. I wasn’t expecting to spill out every single one of my flaws for the world to see. Sure to tell a funny story here and there, but to spill out my guts for my peers to see? I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. I soon realized that the emotional stories out weighed all the humor. That I was really coming to terms with a lot of my problems from my past that have stayed in my present.
You really do not understand your limits until you see them written down. I didn’t realize how my own personal problems resulted in my spending. I didn’t realize that my spending was a trigger to all my other emotional problems. While I knew I was heartbroken about the loss of key people into my life, I never realized that even those people made me miserable. Even people I considered my best friends were making me sick. Even the person I was completely in love with, was hurting me in ways I could never explain. I didn’t realize that even my own personal emotions had a price tag. That for every binge, I spent money. For every heartbreak, I threw away to purchase a brand new everything. For every cut, I masked it and dressed it with a new something. I was hiding my bruises and heartbreak in the only way I knew I could, by spending everything. It wasn’t healthy and I knew that as much as I stated that I was “Okay”, I wasn’t.
Throughout the year, it has been a process. I have cried more than humanly possible. I have sacrificed a lot just to be able to take care of myself. I have also started being honest with who I am and my own personal progress. I have stated millions of times that I am not a perfect person. Even the people who have hurt me are not perfect people. People change, grow up and become completely different people. I can respect that and hope only for peace in their path which is what I wish for myself. Nobody is perfect. I am going to fall a million times until I can walk on my own two feet. I am going to break my heart and screw up, until I can be completely free of my own insecurities. I can live with that. Thank you to anyone and everyone that has read, commented, liked, reblogged, talked to me in regards to this blog. Honestly, thank you from the bottom of my little heart. I couldn’t have gone through life without the love and support of my family and friends. I couldn’t have written this blog without the encouragement and support of my amazing network of great and fabulous people. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I may still have my flaws but inside I am golden. It’s all because of you guys. For that I am undoubtedly grateful. ❤