Please don’t go, I love you so.

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Letting go is only easy in words and phrases. We find ourselves cataloging every life experience and weighing out the options of ever truly leaving. Letting go only happens once we truly reach our breaking point, after second, third and fourth chances have washed away to nothing. Dusting ourselves off and hoping for the best in battered broken people that we can’t help but want to fix ourselves. Truth is we want to be the one leaving but to have people leave, we can’t stand the breaking.

I have a tendency of believing that people are exactly as they are in my memory. In memories people never change, they always remain the same person. Frozen in a time period and illusions of a good story. In memories people never tell you how they truly feel until it’s too late. Until the illusions shatter and you’re left with trying to piece together the parts of a broken puzzle. Why can’t we just all live in the nostalgic ways of yesterday? Why does everything in life have to change? We grow up and out of our juvenile tendencies but does it also have to change who we are as people.

Letting go is all part of growing up. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around that. Some where inside I still believe people are exactly who they are upon first meeting them. It’s hard for me to believe that change happens when you grow up. People you were once close to can become strangers. The people you once depended on can become distant just as the memories of your childhood youth. Everyone becomes a footnote in the story of your life. The more you hold on to them to stay, the more they walk away and disappear. You can’t help but blame yourself for the distance and believe it was everything that you did. Why is it so easy for people to leave and so hard for them to stay? Why can’t I just let people go, just as they have done to me?

Maybe I am still juvenile in my way of thinking. Believing in mystical beings and perfect settings of the universe. Believing in the good of every person I encounter and wishing for things to remain the same. I am not afraid of change, I am just afraid of people leaving and never returning. Fear of saying goodbye too early and watching the memories disappear. Time is moving faster and before we know it, everything we once loved has tarnished and gone away. People we spent endless times with disappear faster than sand through hour glasses. We can’t keep begging people to stay. We can’t keep holding on to memories that no longer exist. All nostalgia ever does is bring us down.

But still, I can’t let go.

Break my heart. Tell me every dark thing imaginable, just don’t ever leave me. Please let me hold on for the sake of memories and nostalgic reasons. What ever you do, please don’t go. Let me hold on to the night skies and every story that follows after. Let me keep pretending in Neverland and fighting pirates. Anything but the art of leaving and letting go. Anything but that.

Please don’t go, I love you so.

3/13/2010

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