Trying my Best to Love You.

Two weeks.

Enough is enough, is what I said to myself with my arms outstretched to the sky. Its moments like this that I wonder if I wanted it to end before anything even started. Wanting the pain before it even hit me. I reached out for the pain and found it aching in my bones.  I never knew in love that you could reach a breaking point. Because in every love song, there’s a happy ending. In every love story there’s still love that can be obtained. I waited for your return like every maiden in distress does, waiting for their knight to save them from themselves. It’s been two weeks and still I hear only the silence that separates us.

I was wrong for a lot of reasons and things. Wrong for the ways I knew I could have been better for you. Thats what this all was, just ways I could be better for you. Its been two weeks and I can’t wrap my head around much of anything lately. I am the one that’s suppose to make this better. I am the one that should be changing.  But I am the one thats sitting in my own melancholy glory. Sitting with my thoughts rambling together and causing chaos in my mind. We weren’t perfect but you thought otherwise. In your quest for perfection you lost everything and gained only what you wanted back. I can’t say everything that I want for fear of losing. Because losing you would be my greatest unhappiness and thats just what I did. I lost you and it’s been two weeks and I can’t help myself.

For a person who knew me better than I knew myself, you hardly knew me at all. When I pushed, I wanted you to pull back. I wanted you to see through the armor and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I was wrong to want you for all the things that made us break. I was wrong to be selfish in my own loneliness and expect someone to save me before I could even save myself. I never lied about who I was and you know exactly who I was when you met me. I was a vulnerable mess and broken to the touch. You knew that, all of that and still I couldn’t make you stay. It’s been two weeks and I can’t even begin to think what a lifetime could be without you.

Kissing a hundred boys won’t bring you back. No amount of drinks could ever drink you goodbye. Because saying goodbye would only mean I would lose you forever. I am not sure I am ready to take that risk. I am trying my best to love you, even if you don’t love me back. It’s been two weeks and I’m not sure I can’t last another lonely week.

I want you back my baby
I want you back in my arms
I want you back right now

5/16/2008

 

 

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