I am a selfish person.
For my own selfish reasons, I believe people to be exactly how I went them to be. Because of my own imperfections, I place people upon this pedestal and expect so much from them. Since I have my own troubles, I expect people to be the opposite. In some twisted way, I want everyone to be there when I need them to be. Because it’s all about me, my needs, and what I want. We are all a little selfish sometimes, why should I be any different?
For the past couple of years, I have invested all my time in people. Watching them shape and grow up into remarkable grown ups. I have poured my heart out to these people and watched my life fall apart in the shambles. Every single one of us has imperfections, but sometimes I wish we were all perfect. None of us is equipped with ammo to save each of ourselves from ourselves. I can’t help but want to believe in these expectations I have of people. That everyone is untouchable, strong, and can do anything they set their minds to. That inside each of us lies a super hero capable of anything and everything. More importantly, I need these people to save me, help me, be there for me. Me, me, me. Most days I believe that but sometimes our emotions and realities get the best of all of us.
We are all incapable of making any mistakes. We are all perfect beings. Because I am a crazy person, I believe that. Every word of that. Perfect beings incapable of doing any wrong because thats how bizarre bat-shit crazy I am. Perfect in every which way I want you to be. It’s weird how things in your mind tend to come out different in real life. Our day dreams are not as real as our reality, I suppose. Eventually chips start to form in their armor. The pedestals for which they have been held upon start to crumble. As much as I want to fight for perfection, all of our imperfections seem to shine through. I get angry, I curse the skies, and curse the beings I have before me. These are the people that aren’t suppose to have dents in their armor. These are the people that are suppose to remain cool and carefree and take over the world. The more I shout to the heavens the more I tend to look at myself. All the time I have spent on others and nothing to show for my own imperfect ways.
I become angry for all the wrong reasons. I begin to hate everyone. I alienate myself from so many people all the sake of everyone not being who I want them to be. All because of my own perception of perfection, believing that everyone else has to be exactly who I want them to be. I am juvenile, I am childish, and more importantly I am crazy. Who am I to judge anyone for their actions? Who am I to point out the flaws of other people, when I have spent a lifetime correcting all my flaws. Who am I to tell people what they should be doing, when I should be focusing on my own life? Growing up means letting go of all these childish ways of thinking. Letting go of this perception of perfect. Letting go of people and allowing them to find the super hero inside of themselves. Instead of searching for perfection in other people I need to start embracing the imperfections in myself. Finding the loveliness in everything instead of pointing out the flaws I can never correct.
I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. All the imperfections I embrace in myself, I have to embrace in other people. I can’t become angry for people living their lives the way they want to live it. I can’t be angry for everyone’s mistakes. I need to stop being selfish expecting people to be what I want them to be. We are all human beings making mistakes and living life. If I can embrace the flaws in myself, I need to be able to embrace the flaws in others. The world is filled with beautiful amazing people and not any one of them is perfect. I will never be perfect and neither will you.
If there was a way to apologize for my way of thinking, I would do just that. My insecurities caused my beliefs in this level of perfection. Treat people and be angry with people for all the wrong reasons. I am sorry for hurting anyone for my past ways, sorry for expecting too much from people, sorry for believing that people could be exactly how I want them to be. 6/2/2015