Negative influences tend to produce negative judgments. As much as we want to be immune to the world, influences find a way to us. It’s in everything we do. Everything that we like. Everything that we strive for ourselves. Life has a funny way of showing us who we really are when we need to see it. Showing our true colors to the world that we seldom see in ourselves. None of us is perfect. None of us have the power to change people. More importantly we can’t continue to blame other people for our mistakes. A lot of us need to own up to our imperfections and find our own way to be happy.
Hate is a strong world. But I can’t help but say it often. There’s no mistaken that I am a hater. I have hated on various people, places and things. I have projected my own anger into hate all for the sake of making myself feel better about my actions. I am not innocent in the ways that I go about my hate, I am not slick and I am not silent. Does it make me feel better? Of course not. Does it make me better than the next person? Not at all. Justifying my hate is pushing the blame on outside forces instead of putting the blame on myself. Because saying exactly how I feel doesn’t hurt anyone, it just allows my insecurities to work in over drive. I have been my own crown of thorns, so to speak. I have found way to hate so many aspects of myself and project them to people. Blaming other people for my own short comings and believing it was the cards that I was being dealt. Because Life has a way of giving me a shitty deal of cards. Giving me all the hard roads, life lessons, and watching people come and go as they please. All of my hardships, all of my misfortunes, all of my short comings, and the only thing I can do is hate everything. I could blame everything under the sun for the way I am. I could blame every last person that has hurt me. I could but at the end of the day I am the one that ends up miserable and alone. It’s when you find yourself growing up that you realize that there are things inside of you that needs to change.
When you reach that point in your life where “enough is enough”, you just have to let it happen. I am tired. I am exhausted. More importantly I am emotionally drained from keeping all this hate inside. Who cares if people have it better than I do. Why should I care if the grass is greener on the other side. Who am I to judge a person based on my own insecurities. I have no right to pick apart a person and point out their flaws. I wouldn’t want the same to happen to me, why should I be the person to do that to other people? Growing up means having to give up our childish juvenile ways. Give up the ways of believing that we are better than everyone and have a right to say exactly how we feel. Truth is nobody is better than anyone, and saying exactly how we feel often hurts people we truly care about. I have said many things out of anger and most of those things I wish I could take back. Nobody said growing up was easy and at times I can’t help but say things I know I shouldn’t. However, at this point in my life I am through hating. I can’t keep these tarnished ways inside of my heart any longer. I can’t keep blaming people for my own foolish mistakes. I have to forgive people and the actions that have hurt me in order to grow up.
Life isn’t suppose to be fair. Life isn’t suppose to be easy. Life is just suppose to be life, give or take what we put into it. Life puts us through the wringer and makes us stronger. We are the masters of our own life vessels. We are what we put into the world. If we continue to put out negativity, negativity is what we are going to receive. I am tired of hating people for my own short comings. Tired of treating people based on my own insecurities. We are all scared, we are all insecure in our ways, why should I treat anyone differently? At the end of the day I just want to be happy with my life decisions not upset about the way I reacted. I want to be able to go to my grave peacefully without an ounce of hate in my heart. People are not always going to be how I want them to be. People are going to let you down but at the end of the day you have to be able to let it go. Letting go of the past is the only way we can move on in our present, its the only way we can be happy in our future. My past can’t hurt me anymore but the longer I keep this hate the longer it marinates in my present.
Growing up isn’t easy. Everything I thought I knew before becomes life lessons I never expected. Life has a funny way of showing you errors in your ways. For me it was showing me that as much as I kept all this hate, it wasn’t making me feel better. I just hope by the time I feel like a grown up this growing up thing starts to make sense. As much as I don’t feel like a grown up, maybe this is what growing up really is. I guess in a way this is me growing up and feeling more like a grown up.