My mind moves a mile a minute. Non-stop thoughts. Thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of us and everything that falls in-between. I watch all this energy harness in every single one of my fingertips. I can’t stop this shaking, this aching feeling. Something is going to happen, something is about to blow. I’d rather everything blow up in my face, then have nothing happen at all. Still I stay here, lying still, waiting.
I hear the wind muffle the sounds of my breathing. This pain, this ache, this energy that keeps me awake at night. If only there was a reason for all this mess. If only there was a reason for feeling this way. These thoughts are never ending. Maybe in the end, this is all my fault. I am the reason for this source of undoing. Because it was always me that waited too long to say anything. It was always me that spoke up at all the wrong times. I could replay every single conversation, word for word, and no matter what happens, I’m still here. I’m still here, lying still, waiting.
When did I get to this point? How can I make it stop? The more I sit here the more I wonder why I couldn’t just control myself. Control my actions and my reactions. Say exactly how I feel at exactly the right time. I know I am only human, and being human means making mistakes. Was this all just one big mistake? Was this all just my fault in believing the unobtainable could be obtainable? My hands shake and my breathing gets heavy, still I stay here, lying still, waiting.
What use is waiting if I never get what I want. Whats the use of being good when everything we want is so bad? Whats the point of all hopelessness, if no one ever has the hope in believing in us? I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew that one day everything I feel would be worth it. That in the end, I would get everything I wanted. But I won’t. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have waiting so long for nothing. Because all waiting ever did was cause me so much pain. This ache in my chest, this pain in my heart and this feeling I could never shake off. I would have waited forever if it meant I could have everything I wanted. I could have you, me, and us. I could keep pretending that everything is my fault, that I missed my mark, but the past is still the past. The longer you wait the more you realize nothing is worth waiting for. You have time to realize that everything you wanted could be yours in a heartbeat. But I can’t help but keep waiting, lying here, still.
Still, I will stay.