Month: July 2015

How to Disappear Completely.

I want to disappear.

Disappear into the mist of a haunting song. Be lost in the melody and forgotten between the bars. I am not there, I am not anywhere. I want to race toward the dark and hide within the sounds of sorrowing goodbyes.

I do this to myself. I do this on my own. I am not there. If you saw me, you wouldn’t see right through me. If you saw me, I wouldn’t need to disappear.

I watch the memories tarnish and turn shades of bronze. I watch people come and go as they please and burn themselves brightly in the sun. But I am not there. I watch myself drop beneath the shallow graves into the ground. I watch as one by one of my scars open up slowly. I am bleeding turning black and blue, but you don’t see me. I’ll be gone before you know it. I’ll be gone before the words reach you.

I am crystal clear in the sunlight days, but now I bleed black and blue. If only I could outstretch my arms to the skies and reach straight to the stars. If only I could pretend that a little light is better than no light at all. Slowly I sink beneath the hollow ground beneath the earth and silently turn to dust.

I am not there.
I am disappearing.
I am leaving.

Gone.

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7/10/2015

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?M = To Change Sh*t.

I think about change as often as the next person. Change of scenery, change of pace, change of environment, and all that jazz. We’re all ready for that next step, on that next level hustle, but seldom do we ever take that chance. All it takes is a little bit of courage to take that chance to make that change. Sounds easy right? But why are we so afraid of doing everything we set out to do? I find myself making up excuses about why I can’t change, instead of just fucking changing. I can change right? I can do whatever, I set myself out to do. Because the world is my fucking oyster.

Of course I like the idea of change. This idea of change that films and coming of age stories tell you happen. But what about the rest of us that have responsibilities? Change can happen, after you pay off debts and start being positive. Change can happen with a change of attitude and believing in yourself. Because all it takes is a great attitude to turn everything around. Sometimes you’re burned out on positivity that it feels better to bring back that good old haunting feeling. This dark cloud that follows you everywhere changing all these new beginnings right to that old familiar feeling. Even new experiences can burn you out. Even things you wanted to be better for you, put a damper on your expectations. The things we wished for ourselves have a funny way of not being what we want them to be. We take jobs to pay the bills and eventually those jobs become our life. We in turn start to hate these jobs because of the way they make us feel. I hated every single one of my jobs and the reason being I was afraid of change. Afraid of going out on a limb because that’s where the fruit is.

You know you’re burned out from office jobs when every job that requires an 8 to 5, you hate after a week. After 10 plus years of the same job, all programs start looking the same: Foresite, AS400, JD Edwards, etc. Each one is the efficient way to handle business. These programs are all “The way of the future”, and every other similar saying. Basically they are all the same fucking program, but you are too polite to say otherwise. All the same boring ass programs that you’ve been programed to believe are “The way of the future”. You start your morning going through the motions of work, when really you are miles away from your boring ass responsibilities. I can’t even begin to tell you how many programs I’ve worked with that are considered to the new approach to everything. When in reality they waste more paper and do the same functions as all the other programs. What does it matter anyway, I am making money. I have a job and should be grateful for my chances. Its not that I am ungrateful, I am grateful. Its that knowingness in my gut that I should be doing something else. Something better than pushing paper and smiling, when I feel like screaming and lighting everything on fire. But I am a sucker in the belief that “Good things, come to those who wait”, so waiting is what I do.

Thats where I have it wrong. This waiting for the good things to happen. Waiting on good things that everyone else snatches up, and I get upset about. Because the grass is always greener on the other side. Who ever said “Good things come to those who wait”, was a sucker. A sucker in all the sense of the words. Sure good things come to those who wait, but to the people who actually go out and do shit, better amazing things happen too. I guess after everything I was just used to this fallback, that if everything went wrong I had my fallback job. I was good at listening to directions and having a follow through. I was good at doing my job and handling everyone else’s responsibilities. I was good at taking the fall when everyone else took the praise. Thats what makes me such a great assistant, I was good at cleaning up the messes that nobody else wanted to do. Because waiting for things to happen was my escape, this belief that things were going to get better once people took a look at me.

The last job I had I just didn’t have the passion for. Sure it’s easy to fake passion, I was a master of it. I thrive on challenges and pushing myself, but this time I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t care about a fallback. I didn’t care about the outcomes of my mistakes. I didn’t care if everything fell apart and I was the cause of it. I was miserable and burned out on my tired excuses of “Good things, happen to those who wait”. You reach that point in your life where you have to ask yourself “What’s more important, your pride or a paycheck?”. Bills will eventually be paid. Debt continuously will always take control of your life but sometimes you have to do something great. When every time you look at the screen and you want something greater you do everything in your power to be great. Sometimes you are better than your job. Sometimes you are better than cleaning up other peoples mistakes. More importantly you’re better than everyone’s expectations of you and one day all that hustling pays off. Life its too great to be sitting in a cubicle from 8am to 5pm just waiting and wishing for things to happen. We are all going to struggle from time to time but in the end we come out victorious.

For every program I worked on there was always a command to change your options. The last job I worked at was “?M”, to modify what you save on the screen. The reality was I saw it as “?M”= To change shit. Thats what I’m going to do, “?M” to change shit in my life. To be greater, to be better, and everything else will fall into place.

I’m about to see a million things
I thought I’d never see before and I
I’m about to do all of the things
I’ve dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all

6/29/2014

Just Breathe.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

Just breathe and the moment will pass. Breathe in all the light, exhale all the dark. I am watching everyone see right through me. Looking through my insides and making me feel small. Because small is what makes everyone feel grand and larger than life. I watch the people surround me, turn into giant monsters of their former selves. Piercing my skin that hides my insides. I can’t take it anymore. Pushing the feelings away and save them for another day. Any other day but today. My chest feels heavier than normal. My heart feels more than it should. The more I breathe in, the faster I see myself exhale. It will all be okay, I am going to be okay.

Breathe.

No matter how many times I tell myself this will pass, it just intensifies even more. I feel it in my bones and straight to my soul. In these moments, I want to say everything I feel inside. Tell everyone, I am not the crazy one. I am not crazy, I feel a little out of it, but I am okay. I sit in silence and wait for this all to pass. A wave of emotions just washes over me. This tsunami of emotions that suffocates my breathing. I am afraid and the fear paralyzes me. Afraid of the risk of bursting out every single one of my feelings that I keep bottled up inside myself. Everyone can see right through me. My demeanor is crystal clear and everyone is looking inside of me. Maybe they are right. I should give up all these ghosts and make myself feel fine. Yet the good days turn to bad days and I can’t help but see smoke. I’m burning up on the inside. Everyone sees it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep myself together. I am slowly falling apart with every thought I get. My lungs are closing in and I can’t breathe.

It happens to the best of us. Even people that you’d never expect it to happen to. I’ll smile real big and pretty, if it will make you feel better. I’ll tell you what you want to hear. Because breathing never gets easier. Even I know that.

7/4/2015

Cigarettes & Coffee.

I miss smoking and I know I shouldn’t.

Before I get a million lectures on the subject, let me say it out in the open, I miss it. I miss the ritual of it. The lighting, the inhaling and the slow exhaling. I miss the solidarity of the moment. How you could be surrounded by hundreds of people, but when you needed an escape the cigarette was your alibi. It relaxed you and calmed the shakes that trembled from your chest to your fingertips. The moment you tapped your first pack and took off its wrapper, it opened something inside of you. The smells of tobacco and the memories a smell holds with it. This familiarity that something so bad could make the worries of the moments disappear.

Inhale, exhale.

I disappeared in every smokey haze. Hiding from the world without a moments notice. The countless conversations I reasoned with myself with every puff I gave. Its something I never got with breathing. A sensation that never felt obtainable with just the air in my lungs. I loved it, then hated it. I denied it, then craved it. Something to take the edge of life, off of my hands. I could disappear in this cloudy, smokey, haze. Disappear into the smoke, where no one would find me. Have a moment with myself that I could never get with the open air and clear views.

I miss cigarettes like I miss conversations. Because all the meaningful conversations happen outside at night around 1 am, with the street lights illuminating your smoke. Your mouth slowly forming words and phrases. I miss that. This smell that stuck to every inch of your skin and lingered over all your overcoats. Breathing in the cold air and flowing inside every inch of your lungs. I felt it like a breaking heart, like a sad song with an upsetting melody. My body craves it on the dark days when I have nothing left to say. But it’s bad. It’s all bad for me. The ash, the smoke and the light that burns until I have nothing left.

I feel stuck. Finding something to take away the craving. Locating the thing I can sit with to find a single word of conversation. I could stare into the bottom of every cup of coffee. I could sit and stare for hours at the water that dyes every inside of every cup. I feel nothing, I crave something more. After ever last drop of coffee, nothing gives you satisfaction as that last drag of a cigarette.

God, I miss it. I miss it.

1/3/2015

Closer.

Don’t come any closer.

Don’t treat me like the others. I know all the things you only tell girls in the dark. I know every single one of your deep dark secrets and everything you want us to believe. You’ll deny it. Tell me, I am the crazy one. I know you never mean it. Everything you say is just actions from your reactions. You never mean all the nasty things you say. A sorry from you are just words wasting space in my memory. “I’m sorry” sounds like a tragic song that has no ending. I want to believe you, believe me I do, because deep down you mean it. Its what you tell all the other girls. All the other girls that believe you when you cry and mean every word you say.

Don’t say another word.

I could recite your lines, word for word. These never ending monologues of right and wrong, saint and savior. Every single thing you tell girls in the dark. It would only be fair if I told everyone how you felt. Told them all your secrets and spilled out all your lies. All those things you only tell girls in the dark. Hurting you would show that maybe for once you could feel something other than nothing.  Something other than the hatred that you bring out of everyone.

Don’t touch me.

You crave the warmth of a body to lay beside you. It doesn’t matter who it is. Someone to fill the void of being alone with your thoughts and your cold black heart. You can never be alone. It paralyzes you to think of spending all these waking days alone. Keeping us under lock and key and heavy retainer. Break in case of emergency. Have I said too much? Or should I just keep going.

Telling all these secrets to people that think they know you. They’ll be next and what follows is someone after. There’s always someone else. Brighter, better, and stronger. Always someone else. A line of pretty girls that you only like in the dark. I won’t be one of them. Not tonight, not ever.

2/11/2007

 

Mean.

Anger has a way of eating away at your insides when you’ve been hurt. It cuts away at every positive vibe you’re feeling. Taking away every civilized thought you could possibly think of. The more it boils inside of you, the more upset you become. You start picking up your ammo, ready to fire your shots with every possible thought you could ever think of. Because I know all your secrets and I see through all your lies. I know everything about you to use everything against you.

I could cut you down to size, if I wanted to. I could spew out every ill will feeling, if I wanted to. I could hurt you with just 4 words that would spin your whole head around, if I wanted to. Because I know every deep dark secret. I know everything that nobody else knows. I could hurt you and watch your world crumble to the ground, if I wanted too. You’ve lead me no choice but to hurt you as you have done to me. Point out all your flaws and break your heart into two. Words can be just words, but even words can cut you to the core. Words can find a way to hurt you without drawing out your fists. Hurting you would show your weakness and pain, and trust me I want to hurt you. Hurting you would show you how it feels to be me.

None of that would make me feel better, it would only make everything feel worse. I once believed that to defend yourself, you had to hurt somebody. Hurt somebody that they felt it deep down to the core. All I’ve ever wanted was to show people how much they have hurt me. To show them that words aren’t always just words. Words are the ammo that they shoot out to their targets and rip them apart. When people hurt they do everything in their power to harness that hurt onto anyone they come across. Everyone is the enemy when you’re hurt. To justify the pain, you hurt everyone that you come in contact with. Innocent bystanders have no chance against you in your quest to express your pain. Its the pain your want to get rid of, the pain thats eating away at your soul.

I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to hurt. As much as it pains me to be this hurt, I can’t push this emotion on someone else. I know all your secrets. I know all your lies. I know everything that can hurt you and make you stop in your tracks. But I won’t use that against you. I won’t allow myself to stoop down at your level. Because eventually your pain will be your downfall. Eventually everything that you spew out to hurt people, will one day come back to haunt you. No one deserves this pain, not even you. But I won’t use this hurt as ammo to shoot at you. I won’t use this pain as a blueprint to destroy you. Instead I will overcome all this pain and manifest it into something else. You can’t hurt me anymore and one day you will give up the ghost of all this pain. Being mean doesn’t solve anything, it only makes you into a monster of yourself. You’re better than that.

I won’t hurt you with words. I won’t hurt you at all. Instead I’ll live inside this hurt and find a way to love. Because love is bigger than any mean ill feeling you could ever think of. I am bigger than this, just wish you could be too.

8/23/2010

In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

Me without You.

There’s no me without you.

I thought about you today for the first time in years. Distance doesn’t make up the years. Silence doesn’t forgive the tears. Still I thought about you for the first time in years. Endings are never sweet and I still feel something missing. Some things were left unsaid in the mess of here and there. All I want to do is reach out  and talk to you. Say everything I’ve always wanted to say. Even when I am hurting, I still want you around. Because you understood me better than I ever understood myself.

For the first time in years, I thought about the past. Thought about us and the memories that rang louder than any sound. When you miss someone, you imagine them trapped in a time where everything was beautiful. Even the years don’t make up for everything that came after. If things had been different, would it have mattered anyway? Here and now, everything in-between. Days have been passing, everything has been changing and I still wonder about you. Remembering you is looking back to the past, when I should be looking forward toward the future. Some days I still want you around, and I can’t help but think of all the mistakes that sunk this ship.

Everything happens for a reason. Even memories pinpoint the moments where everything went wrong. I can’t lie when I say I don’t miss you. I miss believing that at one point there was no me without you, but even people change. Every day we are growing farther and farther away from the past. What held us together for so long, eventually broke us apart. I am afraid of what comes after. Afraid of losing the thread that held these memories together. But I need this happen. To let you go and the memories that come with you. We can’t hurt, what we don’t see anymore. We can’t believe in people, if they no longer exist to us. The memories are all we have left that connect us to each other. Even memories lie and I can’t lie any longer.

There was no me without you. Slowly I am learning that without you, I can just be me. It hurts to miss you and even on the darkest days, I still want you around. I had to grow up to live without you. I had to grow up to see what I could be without you. I had to disappear to show that I could be me without you. Even on the darkest days, I still want you around but I don’t need you. I need the memories to keep me together, but as days go on, I don’t need you. In the end I only needed myself to get out of this pain, I needed to find myself and grow up from this. I do miss you but I missed who I was before you. Now I can finally be who I want to be.

There was no me without you. Now I know I can be just fine.

2/19/2014

 

Shark in the Water.

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I have a dent in my armor. It allows me to put all my emotions out in the open and wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes being so strong, doesn’t make me feel strength. When life happens around me, sometimes I am afraid to break. But breaking doesn’t constitute into weakness, no sir. Every now and then, we need a little meltdown to feel human again.  Saying everything we feel inside helps us deal with the emotions we keep so heavily guarded in our heart.

People don’t believe me when I say I hurting. After a while people start thinking it’s a call for attention, instead of cry for help. We could all stand tall but feel delicate, that at any given moment we could break. My heart breaks a million times a day, for a million different reasons but I keep that from everyone. Because saying how I really feel, no one would believe me. Telling all my secrets to people will only allow myself to feel judged instead of vindicated. Everything hurts inside. Everything can trigger a moment of weakness and out come the waterworks. I am suppose to stay strong. I am suppose to stay composed and not allow the world to worry. Saying how I feel sounds like I am complaining, but reality is I can’t keep things in my heart no more. Keeping things inside only adds to the fire of sadness that only breaks my heart. Things happen to everyone, some worse than others but I can’t help if my mind feels that this is the worst that could happen. I can’t explain to you how it feels on the inside without coming off as powerless and weak. I am suppose to let the light in and pay no attention to the dark. I am suppose to go into life without fears or sadness.

This sickness consumes me and turns me into someone I can’t remember. It pierces through my bloodstream and takes away all the things I have worked for. It only takes a minute to fall back to zero. It only takes a minute to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don’t you think I hate myself for feeling this way? Don’t you think that I want to be happy, instead of on the brink of a mental breakdown? Who are we to judge a person for their feelings, when we haven’t walked a mile in their shoes? No matter how much you think you know a person, there are things they keep from everyone. Truth is sometimes I want to die. There are days I feel as I am not good enough for this world. That my past finds a way to haunt me. It takes me longer to wake up, because waking up means I haven’t left this life. And I hurt, and I hurt, and I can’t explain where all this hurt comes from. But I sit and watch people look toward me and believe I have failed them. When reality is I have failed myself countless times. Because I hurt when I’m suppose to feel joy. I cry when I am suppose to be happy. I claw at my skin trapped in this body that I desperately want to get out of.

My heart beats just the same as yours. My dreams are just as big as yours. Sometimes things hurt when they’re not suppose to. Sometimes people say things and it weights heavily in my heart. Sometimes I alienate myself from people, so they won’t know how terrible I feel about myself. I breathe in deep to suffocate the madness I feel inside me. I breathe out all the darkness I keep inside of me. I can’t run away from sadness. I can’t pretend that sadness doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t fit in with my life. Because sadness is there and to most of us it will always be there. We just know how to hide it behind a smile, a joke, and a laugh. I will feel better eventually, even bad days have a silver lining. If I can’t be okay for you, at least I’ll be okay for me.

But everyone circles around me like sharks in the water. Asking me why I swam so far from shore. Truth is I am hurting, if you could just lead me back to shore.

11/9/2010