Everyone has those days. Where the days feel more vicious then the mean reds. Where no matter how many times you tell yourself “Everything is going to be fine”, it just didn’t feel fine. Good days at times turn into crazy bad fucked up days. It happens. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You spill a beverage on yourself. Things are just not going your way. First world problems that you can’t help but feel victimized in your situation. Hey, we’ve all been there. You’re a good person, why does the tiniest black cloud feel like a hurricane right about now?
Lately I’ve had a series of days that have catapulted a wide variety of “whoa is me” situations. I am used to it, I do have a flair for the dramatics. A lot of my emotions tend to feel like a beautifully orchestrated saga then just a normal bad day. Whoa is fucking me, right? I want to shake myself and say “WE GET IT, you’re having a bad day”, but stooping myself to the level of sadness feels pretty good. What’s joy without a little sadness, right? With my emotions on overdrive, I search to find a temporary happiness. Whether it’s watching a great film and crying my eyes out, or finding some gluttonous delicious food to stuff my face with. I want this temporary happiness. Something to bring me joy, even if it’s just for a tiny microscopic minute. When I have a bad day, I love to shop. However due to my recent increase of never ending debt (30, fab & BROKE), lack of incoming funds, and being unemployed, shopping has become nonexistent. Gone are the days of shopping bags flooding my floors. Gone are the countless trips to Target to roam the aisles and buy everything on sight (within budget and reason). Gone are the days where I could throw money around like a rapper, after dropping their debut album. SOBS. All of the things I loved to do when I was upset, have taken a complete detour. I’d love to drop $100 bucks on things I don’t need. I’d love to book a flight to any where in the country and leave the next day. Why wasn’t I born glamorous and rich, instead I am just broke and fancy?
Bad days have to revolve around my budget (ew). Where before I could just pick up and leave anywhere, now I have to see if I have enough money to get a coffee. While people save for a rainy day, I save for the hurricane that is human emotion. I save for the sad days. The days where I need a little pick me up to get me to the next day. If I wasn’t already feeling the strain of my emotions, I am feeling the strain of my bank account. Nothing makes a person cry crocodile tears then taking a glimpse into their bank account. OUCH. I could do what any normal person would do and find ways to combat the sadness. Find that natural positive energy. Go for a walk in nature. Read an amazing book. Write my feelings down on paper or in a blog (see what I did there!). Or I could do what I normally do. Instead of leaving to the countless stores inside of a commercial mall, I could do everything from the comfort of my home.
Lets open up that laptop and have a ball at whatever place dot com. Online shopping in all it’s splendor. I would save money on gas, I wouldn’t have to make small talk with people, I wouldn’t even graze the countless aisles of a store. In turn I am saving money from not really shopping. All from the comforts of my home and in my gym clothes, where no one can judge me. I can imagine a life without sadness, one pretty dress at a time. Just one click to “Add to Cart” and away goes our sadness. Away goes the “whoa is me” feeling. Wave goodbye to the tears and say hello to something beautiful and new coming my way in 5-7 business days.
Then comes the buyers remorse. Then comes the “Did I really need to buy that dress?”. Our temporary happiness comes to a screeching halt. I didn’t really need to buy anything. I didn’t need to spend that money on yet another thing I don’t need. I can silently hear my bank account sobbing because I have used them again on something of no importance. We have the worst relationship my bank account and I. I make promises to my bank account to be better, that they’re the real MVP. I promise never to use you in vain again, never to use you on any of the bad days. Its just hard sometimes. How easy it is to spend the money and how hard it is to keep it. I guess the moral of the story is not to focus all this energy on the bad moments. Harness all that negative energy and find a positive way to channel it out of you. And since I don’t have any money to channel it into millions more dollars, I should stay away from my bank card and other affiliates. Its hard and it sucks (thats what she said) but its better then digging myself into a bigger hole that I can’t get out of.
Therefore the daydreaming continues. Imagining myself wearing all these beautiful clothes. Opening an amazing handbag and taking out my amazing wallet, where I find a crisp $20 dollar bill. Also in my fantasy, I am holding hands with Leo DiCaprio where he tells me “Calories don’t matter” and he feds me a churro. I see myself slowly put the curser over “Add to cart” and slowly linger there for a minute or two. It’s a beautiful dress. It’s at the right price range and I can’t help but fantasize how fabulous I would look in this dress. I go over the all the basic measures of reality and slowly back my curser away from the “Add to Cart” button.
“I don’t really need it”, I tell myself. I could live without it.
Add to Cart, secure payment, and here comes my confirmation number in my email.
Does any of this make me feel any better? Of course not, but at least I have a new dress to look fabulous on my good days.
Silently I hear my bank account sob in the distance.