8/10/2015 – Day Four.

Do you ever just need a moment alone to deal with all your own emotional bullshit? Shut off the world and see where your mind is at? Lately I feel like that all the time. I just need this moment to myself to shout to the skies and get the fuck over everything. Scream out my pains and dress up my wounds. I just want to lay down on the floor and listen to all my favorite records. Write out all my frustrations and find some kind of peace of mind. Put my mind elsewhere and focused on something other than what I am feeling. It’s hard to do that when you live at home. Its hard to shut off the world and retreat into your hermit crab shell.

I have been living at home for the past 6 years. Which feels like I just moved back home yesterday. I can’t help but wonder where all the time went. This need to get back on my feet and yet I still find myself here 6 years later. I wonder if it’s all fear that keeps me staying here or if I just haven’t mastered the art of being an adult. On my good days I don’t mind being home, but on the bad days I can’t be here anymore. Everything has it’s place and purpose, eventually I’ll have it all figured out. On one of those rare occasions, I get a few moments to be alone. On a super rare out of this world moment, I get a whole day to be home alone. *Cue Kevin McAllister “AHHHHHH” Track*. I’ll be honest, it’s pretty fucking awesome. When you’re having a mental health, “check yo self, before you wreck yourself” day, it’s like you won the emotional lottery. I have been dealing with my own personal demons for the past month and today everything hit me like a ton of bricks. When you think you have cried out all your tears, your face becomes a waterfall of emotions you’d rather not chase (Maybe TLC had a point?).

Its very rare to get the house to myself but when I do, I take advantage of the opportunity. Today was one of those lucky days where I could be alone. Its like my body senses that I have all this open space and I take advantage of the vacancy. I wake up earlier, stretch my bones out, and pretend that all this open space is mine for the taking. Its weird when you’re growing up how much you crave this idea of being home and back to the comfort of it all. Growing up, leaving, and then coming back home, you still search for this idea of home. Its why I can’t stay comfortable in my house, because it’s not my home. It’s not something I earned, its not something I fought for. To be lost in this open space when no one is around is the closest I come to feeling at home. I unplug myself from the world and exist only in my own tragic little world. You feel like you have to answer to everything and everyone, but for this moment you don’t have to say a word. I love that.

When I am home alone I want to sit and watch all my favorite films. I want to brew the biggest cup of coffee and get lost in someone else’s beautifully directed film. Get lost in dialogue and be mesmerized by the cinematography of a film. For the past couple of days, I have had an urge to watch Anton Corbijn’s film “Control”. For anyone that has never seen the film it’s a beautifully directed film from beginning to end about the tragic life of Ian Curtis (lead singer of the band, Joy Division). When I am feeling upset, I think about the black and white imagery and get lost in the music. Its part biography, part music video, all parts visually beautiful. I tend to think about this film, more than I should. You could almost feel the loneliness through the film. Feel the moodiness and distress feeling of sadness throughout the whole film. It makes you want to reach out your hands to the characters and tell them you understand how they are feeling. I get lost in this film. I get lost in the moments, the music, the dialogue, and the characters. It makes you wonder that when you’re feeling depressed if your life comes out beautifully orchestrated. If the colors of your emotions come out vividly in black and white.

I could go on and on about this film. About how this film makes me feel, what emotions it brings out of me. I could say all the key scenes and how the music intertwines with the film. I could go on about certain scenes and how perfectly vivid it comes out on the screen. But doing so only kills the magic. You almost forget how upset you are putting your mind on something else. Focusing all your energy into something you love that brings forth all these feelings. This feeling that in this moment you share something between yourself and the film director, that no one else understands. Its in that moment you don’t care about anything else but that moment. It’s all you could ever ask for in the day. I took advantage of my emptiness and open space. Reached out to the spaces and kept myself together with a good film and equally amazing cup of coffee.

I know I shouldn’t be by myself, that I should be speaking to a million people about how I feel. Some days, I just want to tell the whole world how I feel. Tell everyone every single feeling I harbor inside. I wouldn’t know where to start, I wouldn’t know how to form the words to explain whats is going on in my mind. For a moment I had a break from myself and at this current time, it’s the only thing that matters.

For now.


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