I’m a mess of mistakes.

If I write this all down maybe it will stop hurting. Taking everything I have inside and spilling my guts for the world to see will make me feel better. Nothing could make me feel worse then how I feel at this very moment. Anything to take away this pain.

The truth is I don’t feel like myself lately. Someone has taken a hold of my body, my arms, my legs, my brain and my thoughts. If I write everything down, it won’t hurt as much. It won’t hurt to say how bad I’m feeling or how hard life feels at times. I want to disappear, leave this life and everything I see before me. I want all these thoughts to drown in the deepest oceans, and only then would I finally feel free. I could finally feel like who I am suppose to be, opposed to this phony way of feeling.

I want to hurt myself in every possible way, claw off my skin to reach my insides. Purge every negative though I could possible think of. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to respond with “I am fine”, when I am fucking losing my mind. It hurts. It all hurts inside. This rotten feeling that will only go away once I am gone. I have done all these wrong things, that never out weigh the good. Its my selfish ways that lead to selfish thoughts. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. We are all going mad but afraid to show the world. I wish I didn’t feel so empty. I wish I didn’t have to drive myself to escape this bullshit reality. Maybe one day this will all disappear.

People are drifting further away from me. Keeping themselves at arms length and slowly walking away. Its for the best because I would do the same too. I am tired of hurting people, only telling them what they want to hear. I am tired of pretending that everything is going to be okay, when I am completely falling apart. This isn’t who I am, this isn’t who I am suppose to be. I am watching my life in slow motion, when everyone is running to the speed of light. Life was never suppose to be perfect, but it wasn’t suppose to hurt this much either. I guess I just want a moment to myself to pretend I’ll be just fine.

But I am not fine, I won’t be for a while.

8/11/2015

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3 comments

  1. I feel so touched. I may not fully understand but I know a bit of what it feels like. I’ve suffered too; the kind of suffering that no one understands. I’ve hurt people I was supposed love and loved people I was supposed to shun and that did hurt me the more.
    I hope you will some day find a reason to live, a purpose that is so big it can make you want to live and be happy in spite of it all.
    I’ve come a long way, I hope you will too.

    1. This has to be one of the nicest and strongest comments I have read. This truly from the bottom of my heart means a great deal to me. I’ve been going through a lot the past few months and I just think writing everything down is just going on deaf ears. It’s nice to see that people are reading and understand. thank you for that. thank you for everything you said. I think i’m getting there just have a long way to go.

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