My body is in a state of shock. I have bones aching and muscles sore. I am exhausted. The lack of sleep from the nights before, make waking up harder than normal. I woke up to sunny skies escaping my window but my body still ached for the cold of the night and the darkness. Sleep makes you forget about things in your waking day reality. You become so transfixed in your dream state you forget that you have to go back to reality. I could stay lost in my dreams forever. Lost in this idea of make believe instead of waking up to this sickening pain of reality. I hate this feeling.
This exhausted feeling could only bring me enough energy to get dressed and eat somewhat. Even getting dressed was a hassle. You reach this point where putting on your normal every day clothes seem far fetched, I wanted to put just the most comfortable manageable clothes. My head was pounding due to the altitude and I felt dizzy and distraught. That feeling you get when you don’t feel like talking and you find yourself ridiculously quiet? Thats how I felt. I am not usually a quiet person but I had this need to not say anything. When I have nothing to say, why say anything. Why pretend I have something to say, when I have nothing at all. All I wanted to do was sleep. From my fingertips to my toes, everything shakes. I could live in this bed forever, hiding under the covers and looking out toward the sun that illuminates from under the drapes. I could. I would if I could.
I should be doing a million things. Start unpacking, start a million different ideas and complete them with a follow through. The more I thought about these things the more the pain continued to hurt. The tighter I held on to the blankets and kept falling back asleep. I shouldn’t think about the things that I do. I should be in a better mood in a beautiful place with amazing people. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake this mood. This feeling of hurting physically that was hurting emotionally. I wrapped myself in that blanket, covered in comfort, warmth and this feeling of pure security. Before I knew it the sunny skies morphed into an overcast afternoon. Waking up to the cold air and skies cascading in colors from white to slate to dark grey. I could have laid in that emotional bliss forever. This weather that matches my aches and pains and cuts into my mood. I knew I would have to go back into reality. I knew I would have to start talking again. I knew eventually I’d have to admit to myself exactly how I was feeling.
In this moment I felt the cold inch closer to me. Greeting me like an old friend. It was then I moved the blanket closer and fell back asleep.