Expectation / Reality

One last look.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”, she said. As I slowly walked away from her desk. Life is all about last looks, this one was no exception.

I imagined myself doing different things with my life. Going on different adventures, then what was happening before me. I never imagined coming back home. I never thought that failing was an option. As I always do, I picked myself up and started over. Starting over by going home until I come back to this fucking city.  I am going home to regroup then come back to this town to be somebody. Anybody then the person I was before. Not the broken person I was when I came here.

Big cities don’t take to kindly to lonely hearts. Broken people don’t always find what they are looking for. But I will be the exception. The exception to the rule.

I walked away from her office and watched the room glitter with the sunlight. The same golden color. The same sparkle from the afternoon sun. What I would give to be outside  but instead, I am saying goodbye to everything that was familiar.

Life doesn’t prepare you for goodbyes. Life doesn’t prepare you for last looks and the words that haunt you after. Instead, you move forward and hope for the best. Praying, wishing, hoping, that all of this will be a distant memory. Just another story to add in the book of life.

It’s been six years since I have been back. Six years and I still feel like like a visitor in my hometown. This doesn’t feel like home but neither did that big city. Which is why I felt the need to burn my bridges and watch them crumble behind me.

Yet, those words haunt me.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

As I make another last look through the glistening rays of the sun behind me.

One day I will. Someday soon.

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The Big Bad Wolf.

I’ll huff.
I’ll puff.
I’ll blow your house down.

Everything you hold dear. Everything you care so much for. Blow your house of cards into a stack of nothing. Because I am the crazy one. I am the one who can’t control emotions. Like clockwork;  I huff, puff, and blow your house down.

I am a villain in a valley of victims. The big bad wolf everyone is afraid of. Don’t tell me how you feel, because you’re afraid of how I’ll react. Keep things from me, because it will spare my feelings. Tell me lies because it’s sweeter than the truth. Make believe and fantasy is all you should ever give me. Everything is my fault and everything I do is just a reaction to your proof.

I’ll huff.
I’ll puff.
I’ll blow your house down.

Never believe the one that speaks louder than a whisper. Don’t believe the person with a scarlet letter across their chest. They can’t be trusted. They’re the crazy ones. Don’t believe the tears of a woman because even a woman lies. We all become what everyone hates. The deepest darkest nightmares in truest forms. All we are is vessels to point the blame upon. One finger you gracefully point at me, just know there are three pointing back at you. Keep pointing your fingers down at me, from the pedestal from which you stand upon. It’s foundation made of lies and all the villainous corpses you’ve accounted for.

Oh my, how high people sit on their throne of lies in order to keep up with the masses. It’s easy to pit everyone against each other when you wear the crown. Making wars between the sinners and keeping heroes of the saints. Picking your victorious battles while still losing the wars. I am far to smart to believe the cries of a boy who calls wolf. To believe the silent whimpers of the untouchable sheep. You’re a big bad wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re the boy who always cries wolf. The louder you squeal the more people will listen. We’re all suckers for tragedy. We all love the misfortunes of others. Seldom triumph over anyone’s victory. I know far too much to ever let you win. You can spread your lies to the masses. Tell them every vulnerability I account for. But you will never win. I am unbreakable. I am safe and I am sound, and I will not be defeated.

Come little sheep. Come little piggies. Build before me your house of cards. Build it high, build it low, build it strong, and build it sturdy. I am not the one you should be afraid of. Be careful for the wolf hidden in the sheep’s clothing. Stay clear of silent voices that speak sweet lies through direct honesty. Be careful of the king who lead battles for war to only massacre the innocent.

I may have always been the villain, but the only villain I see here is you.

8/21/2008

 

 

9/24/2015 – Day Twenty – Seven

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When you love something so much you place it high upon a pedestal. High above the sky it becomes completely untouchable. Nothing can beat this thing, this moment, this feeling is untouchable. Others have tried, failed, and been nothing but cheap imitations of what you hold dear. When you’re young nothing can reach you, no matter how hard people try. Nothing and no one can come between what you love. I have done a lot of foolish things in my life, but nothing I regret. I loved and I lost, and I put feelings into things that weren’t certain. That’s human nature and as much as you escape the past, all you can do is move forward.

I love a lot of things, but as I got older this love changed as the images did on this status symbol. I loved a lot of bands, a lot of people, and a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have.  A part of me wants to hate these images of the past, but the more I close my eyes wanting to forget, I can’t. The foundations of this pedestal is crumbling down and with it, I want to watch all the memories come tumbling down as well. Yet, I find myself disappearing to fix and fill the holes in the foundation. I hated this band for all the reasons I shouldn’t, then loved it for all the reasons I should. In your memories nobody ages, everyone remains the same. You keep conversations in your head and faces sealed in glass cases of everything you want to remember. Even if it hurts you, you still want to keep it. Close to you, when you need it the most.

Few grey hairs later, pit scars healed, and ear drums finally back to normal; I think of this band. This band that seemed completely untouchable. That could do no wrong in my eyes. Even when the worst was bad, I still had the music to hold me through. As I sit in this seat on my way to see them for the first time in years, I get nostalgic for them. I hated this band for so many things through the years, that it’s taken me a great deal of time to come to terms with how I feel. When you grow up you forget that everyone else has too. Maybe in a way this was my sad attempt of holding on to the past, that I have desperately tried to escape. While I have alienated legions of former friends, I realized I missed that nostalgic connection of recollection. Listening to albums and singing every word puts you right back where you started. An insecure person afraid of the world but in love with literal words that are entangled in melody. I am too old to wish to be 18 again. Too old to sleep on floors and dissect every words in every song.

Today, I am transported back to a time where being stuck between lines of a song, and singing along with your best friend was all you could ever ask for. For a moment, I could live forever. Even if it’s just for a day.

This is where I leave you.

I leave you by the cracks in the pavement where we said our last goodbyes. When promises were nothing but spoken illusions under starlit skies. I have nothing against you, I just want nothing from you. Because everything you did merits no reply. Everything you said, were nothing but lies.

I watch nostalgia pick you apart. Take you down from your pedestal, piece by piece, and inch by inch. I have nothing left, aside from the memories I have packed for you to take at your will. I don’t need this anymore. I don’t need you anymore. Everything you did was never my fault, but how carelessly I believed otherwise. This is the last time, and this time I mean it.

How carelessly you held my heart, and dangled it in front of me from a string. I wasn’t good enough for my own heart and never good enough for you. I watched you go through your rolodexes of people and never paid no mind to me. And you wonder where this leaves us after all this time? You wonder if after all these years, would I still bother for your time?

I am done and this is my parting note.

This is where I leave you. I leave you with this goodbye.

11/5/2010

The Boy who blocked his own shot.

Lies are sweeter than the truth. Sweet as candy that burns and decays below the surface. It doesn’t hurt when it’s sweet. It doesn’t hurt to believe, but it hurts when you leave and you watch everything burn into nothing. People love a hero. They love a captain that takes charge of the ship, even when you drift off course. Its the course that you stick with, the course that you lie with, the course that you can’t help but pretend doesn’t exist. Until everyone knows and you make villains out of saints because it’s what you know best. As far as everyone is concerned there is only one hero. Everyone else is just a storm of villains that drives the ship off its course.

Everyone knows better than everybody else. Everyone has something to say and yet it never truly matters anyway. Because truth will always become lies. Words will always get twisted and you only see what you want to believe. Sparing feelings is better than saying anything. Lies are easier to produce then being honest with the truth. How our lies intertwine into webs of uncertainty and everyone knows. When you make up things in your mind, that are fair greater than any honesty we could see. Honesty is a blunt cut, but we can’t help but dress it up with lies that soften the blow.

I become the villain, that always spoke too soon. I become the hatred, the darkness, the storm that turned to a hurricane. The hero just continues through the storm without a scratch, and I am still cleaning off the salt from my wounds. It only matters what the captain says that turns him into the hero. It only matters if the sun shines down on to the sea and clears the way.

It only matters what you tell everyone, to make yourself feel better. It only matters how much of the story is real, instead of the fabrication you want everyone to believe.

I still sleep soundly, I hope you do the same.

11/16/2015

I think it’s time for us to have a toast..

2015, has come and gone.

We sit back and reflect on the year and look at how far we have come.

Have we come far enough?
Have we let go of ourselves?
Have we let go of our past and made our way into the future?

With each passing year, I hope for something better. I watch myself go into the new year with high hopes for the year. This year will be the year something changes. This year will be the year that everything happens. This year will be the year that I stop beating myself up about everything. This year I will finally be free to live my life. As the months go on, I find myself still doing the same thing. I watch myself hiding how I feel, to spare the feelings of others. I find myself still stuck in the same perdicament as always.

When does this change happen?
When will things happen for me?

The truth is I am afraid. Terrified, petrified of doing things alone. I am afraid of leaving the people I care about alone. I am terrified of failure, that it clouds my thoughts every day. Worst of all, I am afraid of letting everyone down. Letting people down would be my unhappiness, and I couldn’t bare to deal with the pain. I find myself wishing for things to change, and when they do I am frightened of the outcome. Every year I am not ready, every year I cloud my head with ideas of not being good enough. Not being what everyone wants and beating myself up over every little thing. Demons are funny little creatures that eat away at your positivity. No matter how many times people say to think differently, they eat away at your insides, and burrow deep into your soul. I have had my fair share of demons. Demons far too large to ever escape. As the seasons change, the demons come at you head on. 2015, was no exception.

2015 wasn’t a learning experience, it was a understanding period. Understanding that nobody is perfect, not my family and not my friends. The truth is nobody is perfect. I want to believe that. I want to believe that we are all flawed and fucked up, just trying to get by. When you’re hurting, you want to fix everyone else. You want to put your two cents in everyone’s life. Tell everyone everything they’re doing wrong, but  forget all the good they are doing right. Its in this fixing that you don’t feel alone. You feel as though you are helping someone, instead of facing your own issues. You become bitter about people that you start to despise them, and through that you begin to burn bridges. It’s not that you mean to do it, its that you’re upset that they can’t be perfect for you. They can’t be who you want them to be or who you know they could be. What I didn’t realize was focusing on other people’s problems wasn’t allowing me to focus on my own. I watched people come and go from my life but never noticed how angry I was. How hurtful of a person I could be. I didn’t realize that pain from my past was causing me to focus all the pain on someone else, other than myself. I spent years focusing and fixing other people, that I never bothered to try and fix myself.

As Spring was ending, I watched myself dig into a deep dark abyss. I watched a huge light switch inside of me turn off, and turn against everybody. I didn’t believe in friendship. I didn’t believe in family. I felt my insides turning themselves inside out, and watched how the days turned to nights, and how much I wanted to claw off my skin to show how I really felt. Thinking positively didn’t help. Changing my attitude just made it worse. I could hear happiness, I could hear love, but I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I knew it was my negativity that was pushing people away. It was my darkness that was turning people against me, and for once in my life, I didn’t care. I wanted to lose everything and everyone, before I had to let them go. Before they saw me for who I really was: a terrible, miserable, hateful person, that truly hated herself. The demons from the dark carried over to the daylight and I watched them turn me into someone I hated. Someone I loathed.

When you’ve reached the end, that’s when your beginning starts. I wanted to be alone and find a way to deal with my emotions. I realized the more alone I was, I started realizing who I really was. I wasn’t happy with the person I was, I wasn’t doing everything I wanted to do, and I wasn’t dealing with all my emotions as I should have done years ago. While the world was preaching to me about a positive mental attitude, I couldn’t produce it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that I couldn’t see past the smoke I was making myself. I wanted to disappear, but found myself just sinking deeper into my depression. I had been forcing myself to be happy, when I was miserable inside. My fear of being alone became reality; I had let down so many people I didn’t know what to do. The weird thing happens when you disappear. The people you didn’t expect to help you, always help you out in the end. The people that are always there for you, give you space to heal and grow. It took me a long time to understand that, but I finally realized happiness cannot be forced. You have to feel happiness to believe its there. No matter how much you hide from sadness, you need sadness in order to appreciate joy. You need to be able to feel every inch of that hurt and that pain, to truly see how beautiful life really can be. I can’t hide from the pain as much as I would like to. I can’t pretend that pain doesn’t exist because it’s everywhere. I just have to understand that through all that pain, there is beauty. Through the beauty you find a tiny ounce of happiness. Maybe you won’t see it right away, but the day you are ready to embrace how you feel, you’ll get a tiny glimpse of it. It took me years to realize that by embracing my pain, I would find happiness inside of myself. That by accepting everyone for who they are, I could understand the flaws and imperfections of not just everyone by myself as well. People are always going to disappoint us, but sometimes they surprise us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes the people you love the most will hurt you, and sometimes the people you kept at a distance will be there for you in ways that other people can’t. But 2015, wasn’t about changing, it was about understanding ourselves and the people we care about the most.

And I think it’s time for us to have a toast..

12/31/2015

?M = To Change Sh*t.

I think about change as often as the next person. Change of scenery, change of pace, change of environment, and all that jazz. We’re all ready for that next step, on that next level hustle, but seldom do we ever take that chance. All it takes is a little bit of courage to take that chance to make that change. Sounds easy right? But why are we so afraid of doing everything we set out to do? I find myself making up excuses about why I can’t change, instead of just fucking changing. I can change right? I can do whatever, I set myself out to do. Because the world is my fucking oyster.

Of course I like the idea of change. This idea of change that films and coming of age stories tell you happen. But what about the rest of us that have responsibilities? Change can happen, after you pay off debts and start being positive. Change can happen with a change of attitude and believing in yourself. Because all it takes is a great attitude to turn everything around. Sometimes you’re burned out on positivity that it feels better to bring back that good old haunting feeling. This dark cloud that follows you everywhere changing all these new beginnings right to that old familiar feeling. Even new experiences can burn you out. Even things you wanted to be better for you, put a damper on your expectations. The things we wished for ourselves have a funny way of not being what we want them to be. We take jobs to pay the bills and eventually those jobs become our life. We in turn start to hate these jobs because of the way they make us feel. I hated every single one of my jobs and the reason being I was afraid of change. Afraid of going out on a limb because that’s where the fruit is.

You know you’re burned out from office jobs when every job that requires an 8 to 5, you hate after a week. After 10 plus years of the same job, all programs start looking the same: Foresite, AS400, JD Edwards, etc. Each one is the efficient way to handle business. These programs are all “The way of the future”, and every other similar saying. Basically they are all the same fucking program, but you are too polite to say otherwise. All the same boring ass programs that you’ve been programed to believe are “The way of the future”. You start your morning going through the motions of work, when really you are miles away from your boring ass responsibilities. I can’t even begin to tell you how many programs I’ve worked with that are considered to the new approach to everything. When in reality they waste more paper and do the same functions as all the other programs. What does it matter anyway, I am making money. I have a job and should be grateful for my chances. Its not that I am ungrateful, I am grateful. Its that knowingness in my gut that I should be doing something else. Something better than pushing paper and smiling, when I feel like screaming and lighting everything on fire. But I am a sucker in the belief that “Good things, come to those who wait”, so waiting is what I do.

Thats where I have it wrong. This waiting for the good things to happen. Waiting on good things that everyone else snatches up, and I get upset about. Because the grass is always greener on the other side. Who ever said “Good things come to those who wait”, was a sucker. A sucker in all the sense of the words. Sure good things come to those who wait, but to the people who actually go out and do shit, better amazing things happen too. I guess after everything I was just used to this fallback, that if everything went wrong I had my fallback job. I was good at listening to directions and having a follow through. I was good at doing my job and handling everyone else’s responsibilities. I was good at taking the fall when everyone else took the praise. Thats what makes me such a great assistant, I was good at cleaning up the messes that nobody else wanted to do. Because waiting for things to happen was my escape, this belief that things were going to get better once people took a look at me.

The last job I had I just didn’t have the passion for. Sure it’s easy to fake passion, I was a master of it. I thrive on challenges and pushing myself, but this time I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t care about a fallback. I didn’t care about the outcomes of my mistakes. I didn’t care if everything fell apart and I was the cause of it. I was miserable and burned out on my tired excuses of “Good things, happen to those who wait”. You reach that point in your life where you have to ask yourself “What’s more important, your pride or a paycheck?”. Bills will eventually be paid. Debt continuously will always take control of your life but sometimes you have to do something great. When every time you look at the screen and you want something greater you do everything in your power to be great. Sometimes you are better than your job. Sometimes you are better than cleaning up other peoples mistakes. More importantly you’re better than everyone’s expectations of you and one day all that hustling pays off. Life its too great to be sitting in a cubicle from 8am to 5pm just waiting and wishing for things to happen. We are all going to struggle from time to time but in the end we come out victorious.

For every program I worked on there was always a command to change your options. The last job I worked at was “?M”, to modify what you save on the screen. The reality was I saw it as “?M”= To change shit. Thats what I’m going to do, “?M” to change shit in my life. To be greater, to be better, and everything else will fall into place.

I’m about to see a million things
I thought I’d never see before and I
I’m about to do all of the things
I’ve dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all

6/29/2014

Someone else.

We all want what we can’t have. People that don’t deserve us. People that we don’t deserve. Anyone, anything, and all of the above. If I could be anyone else, I would. Anyone then what you see before you. Even good people want to be bad. Good people want all the characteristics of a good time. Tracing our fingertips on the brink of madness. Wanting to take away all our sadness. Anything with anyone different then what we are used too.

I hear music when I should be hearing you. Listening to the sounds take over the words that come out of your mouth. Even if I see you, I always want someone else. Even if you give me everything I want, I want something more. And I don’t deserve any of it. I am pretending to be what you want me to be, because even you want something you can’t forget. I don’t want you, for I am always pretending you’re someone else. Someone that can take me away from this lonely sense of feeling. Become the music that drags me out of my body and beats into my soul. You’ll always be someone else, someone that I would rather see. Someone that I could spend all these lonely nights and take away this aching pain.

You’re the distraction that gives me what I want, when I want it. Even in the nights when I am reaching out to you, its someone else I am reaching out to touch. We all want what we can’t have. We all pretend to be people we want to who ever will see us. If you want me to pretend to be someone else, I will. Because being someone else is easier than being who I really am. Because deep down I am rotten, deep down I am broken but with you, I can be who ever you want me to be. You don’t see me, you only see what I want you to see. Someone else that makes you feel free. Someone that fills the space until you get everything you want, from everyone you want.

You don’t really want me. You want this illusion of me. This belief that one day you could learn to love me. Hear my words and fall in love all over again. It’s never me you want. That is never who I am. What you want and what you have, are never the same thing. Because I want someone and settle for you. I want something and pretend with you. But even I can play that game too. Everybody wants everybody else. You want me as much as I think I need you. I never need you. I’ll always be wanting someone else.

4/11/2011

 

Goodnight, Bad Morning.

Goodnight, another bad morning. 

There was something peaceful about watching you sleep. Knowing that for once you would have nothing to say. Keeping everything inside, when in turn you would die to tell everyone. Inside where no one not even I would hear. Moments like these don’t last forever. Eventually that moment between night and day, we are bound to wake up from. At this point I didn’t care about anything. Not this time, not at this moment. Not the feelings, not the honesty about these reactions. I don’t think I ever slept for fear of waking up and knowing you’d be gone. Gone to reality. Gone to someone else. Gone to the person you were in the daylight.

For those moments when you slept, I loved you so much that my body ached. I loved you so much that it hurt my head. I knew this couldn’t last forever. Doing all these wrongs, never made a right. The morning would wake us and back to the carriages that were already turned into pumpkins. Back to the terrible reality that awaits us. Back to the doors to our souls we close so tightly behind our hearts. But when the night skies fight with the daylight thats when I loved you best. Thats when I felt everything and in turn said nothing. Maybe I was always dreaming. Waking up never felt as good as this moment. I could love you forever if I wanted to. I just don’t think I can. I don’t ever want to wake up.

Doing all these bad things, never made me feel good. Wanting you now, never changed who you were when we woke up. Even good nights have bad mornings. Even you will wake up to be as rotten as the rest. But that moment where the night fights with the daylight, is when I always loved you best. When my body ached from my head to my toes. When no matter how many times I cried out to you, you stayed right where you were. The only times I could have you is when the night would fight with the light. I know I have to wake up from this. I know I have to wake up to who you really are. We are the most terrible people in the most perfect lighting. But at this moment, this current state, even terrible people can sometimes be beautiful too.

What a beautiful state we’re in. 

3/16/2007

Still.

My mind moves a mile a minute. Non-stop thoughts. Thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of us and everything that falls in-between. I watch all this energy harness in every single one of my fingertips. I can’t stop this shaking, this aching feeling. Something is going to happen, something is about to blow. I’d rather everything blow up in my face, then have nothing happen at all. Still I stay here, lying still, waiting.

I hear the wind muffle the sounds of my breathing. This pain, this ache, this energy that keeps me awake at night. If only there was a reason for all this mess. If only there was a reason for feeling this way. These thoughts are never ending. Maybe in the end, this is all my fault. I am the reason for this source of undoing. Because it was always me that waited too long to say anything. It was always me that spoke up at all the wrong times. I could replay every single conversation, word for word, and no matter what happens, I’m still here. I’m still here, lying still, waiting.

When did I get to this point? How can I make it stop? The more I sit here the more I wonder why I couldn’t just control myself. Control my actions and my reactions. Say exactly how I feel at exactly the right time. I know I am only human, and being human means making mistakes. Was this all just one big mistake? Was this all just my fault in believing the unobtainable could be obtainable? My hands shake and my breathing gets heavy, still I stay here, lying still, waiting.

What use is waiting if I never get what I want. Whats the use of being good when everything we want is so bad? Whats the point of all hopelessness, if no one ever has the hope in believing in us? I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew that one day everything I feel would be worth it. That in the end, I would get everything I wanted. But I won’t. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have waiting so long for nothing. Because all waiting ever did was cause me so much pain. This ache in my chest, this pain in my heart and this feeling I could never shake off. I would have waited forever if it meant I could have everything I wanted. I could have you, me, and us. I could keep pretending that everything is my fault, that I missed my mark, but the past is still the past. The longer you wait the more you realize nothing is worth waiting for. You have time to realize that everything you wanted could be yours in a heartbeat. But I can’t help but keep waiting, lying here, still.

Still, I will stay.

11/15/2013