Wishful Thinking

Amelie

I feel like Amelie.

Every time I look out my kitchen window.
Every time I finish baking and start washing every dish.
Every time I forget an ingredient for a recipe and have to stop everything and run to the store.

Hand it to me to think of characters that don’t exist. Thinking of characters as real life scenarios. I find myself daydreaming so often, I believe it is real life. Which leads me to Amelie. Her need to fix everyone. Her beautiful wardrobe, her tiny flat overlooking her neighbor’s window. How toward the end of the film she thinks of the man that had caught her attention. How she daydreams that he is right there with her and it draws so much emotion from her that a tear falls from her eye. 

It makes me think of the men that don’t know I exist. Even after all this time. How one in particular has been fixated on my mind often that if I ever met him in person, he would be a disappointment. Because I have built him up in my mind; from his mannerisms to his essence that he would be too good to be true in real life. Hand it to me to find a man that doesn’t exist. To fall for someone way beyond my league. I guess over the years I find it’s easier to fall in love with a person that doesn’t exist. That way men like him could never let me down. When every man has failed you. Has brought you up only to bring you down to the worthless way you feel. I fall in love with people that don’t exist. Characters in films, fictional people that could never exist in real life. Hiding from my own reality. The reality of feeling broken by the last man that thought he knew me well.

I believe these daydreams because reality has been too much to bear at times. Because the men on the dating sites have been too busy wanting someone else, because I am never what they are looking for. They take too long to reply, take too much of your time or string you along for their own benefit. They want me when they want me. I have spent too long falling for  people that will only bring me down. For them to leave me for someone better.

I wash another dish. Stare at the window, and wish to be somewhere else. To believe that the man I dreamed up, that follows me in my dreams does exist. Forgetting that I have only spoke 4 words to him. Or that we saw each other years later in passing. But sometimes when I forget an ingredient or think of something silly, I feel like Amelie.

It’s then that I stare at my reflection that haunts me through the window. My hair that never falls in the same place as hers does. How people will never care about how much I try to fix things. And no matter what I do, daydreams are never as good as when someone tells you they love you.

I can’t help but feel like Amelie. As I wash another dish and continue to stare out the window.  If only movies were real and dreams came true just the same. But they don’t. Back to reality, back to staring out that window. 

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Seventeen.

I was too young to understand what it means
I couldn’t wait til I could be seventeen

I don’t want to grow up.

I find myself rushing the natural order of things. I want the respect, the prestige, but I don’t want everything else that comes after. How can I be told what to do, but not understand all the reasons? When we’re young, we are in a rush to get older. Every thing is better once we hit a certain age. Life happens when you get older. Life comes together when you reach a certain age. Everything makes sense and nothing ever hurts. Reaching all those certain milestones in our lives. We rush to grow up, rush to get older. We want to experience every single thing we are missing. Because life out there is happening and we are missing it! Grow up to get older to tell these amazing stories about our lives. I couldn’t wait. I wanted everything and then nothing to happen all at once. The fear of new experiences and the reality of expectations. It didn’t matter what age you were, you were never quite a grown up. It didn’t matter how much you felt you were living, you still weren’t there yet.

I thought he lied when he said take my time to breathe

I wanted to bypass everything. Fast forward through the school years, jump forward to the years where I felt like something was actually happening. Away from this stuck feeling. Away from these four walls that no matter how many pictures are put up, they’re only there to be torn down. All the boys that I thought I would never forget and now I can’t even remember what their faces looked like. To my friends that said we’d be friends forever, now a days we don’t even talk anymore. All those things I thought I didn’t love, now I just want back in my life. I didn’t know that what I wanted then, would turn out differently in the end. What I thought I wanted changed through the years, to make me something I would have hated when I was younger. I crossed these bridges to burn them down, only to slowly patch them back up again. Only to rebuild the bridges brick by brick. I wish I knew then, what I know now. I wish that I could go back and start this all over again.

At Seventeen, I thought I had it all figured out. At any minute life would change before my very eyes, and I would be someone completely different.  I didn’t know all of this was the beginning. How silly and foolish to believe I could rush these memories. Rush these experiences, when now I am just playing catch up and make up. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I thought I had everything I always wanted. Now I cherish every memory like a photograph sitting in a frame. Now I have to make amends that you can start over at any age, but you’ll never go back to being seventeen again.

And sometimes I miss it.

Now I wish I could freeze the time at seventeen

Miami, Miami.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

First time I believed in Miami, is the first time I believed in the sun. The warmth and comfort of a hug from the light and heat of the big bright yellow sun. It had been years since I paid attention to the sun. Since the rains and storms stopped and something inside of me craved the harsh reality of sunny days and sunshine. I hated the sun. Forcing myself to conceal my skin behind layers of clothing and retreating inside while people came alive in the sun. The sun and the sunshine weren’t for me. Any trace of the sun left me long ago and left me with the pale remembrance of spring through summer. But Miami opened itself to me in a warm familiar hug. It embraced my flaws and comforted me after the storm of my life and reassured me that it would be okay. Will it ever be okay?

Whoever I was then, I can’t ever be again.

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Forgiving, forgetting, and the art of leaving. Beneath the palm trees and the big bright yellow sun. Mesmerized by the whites of the sand and the big blue sea, I could get lost here forever. Drink after drink, night after night, lost. It was the art of letting go and leaving that catapulted the journey to the sandy white beaches of South Beach. It was the art of forgiving that brought me to the streets of Miami. But forgetting, where do I forget? Where do I lose sight of the realities amongst the sun drenched streets and picture perfect perfection? Perhaps, another drink. Another drink to forget and be swallowed whole by the sun and lost in the shade under the palm trees. This was my forgiving, this was my forgetting and this was my leaving.

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I didn’t think about you and I didn’t think about me. I didn’t think about much of anything. Dancing the night away under the stars and hearing the roaring sounds of the ocean hitting the sands. I could have kissed a hundred boys under the street lights of that city. I could have. Maybe I did, honestly I can’t remember. All I know is when the morning sun woke, I was clean. You forget who you are when you’re in the sun. You forget that your past is left in the dark to it’s own demise. At least that’s what I thought. The light and the warmth of the sun, the sands of the beaches and their beautiful swaying palm trees, why would anyone want to remember the past? I can still feel it. I can still hear it. I can still see it. Everything. The light, the sounds, and this notion that I found this escape from reality if only for a short time.

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There was no one else. Nothing that made me crave the sun as much as I felt it in Miami. No place better to forget then running away the picture perfect sights of South Beach. The street lights bright as the sun and the sun warmer than I could remember. I just need that escape. That one last time to forget it all. That one last drink to solve all my problems. All of it. Every single damn one of it.

Miami, Please take me back.

The comfort in there’s no one else.

 

A little back and forth lately.

I’ve been thinking about the ocean lately. Not in the classic summer way where thinking of beaches and warmer weather would make sense in this cold weather. But thinking of sand, water, and freezing cold temperatures. I miss the sounds of the ocean that I can’t hear from a bridge or from a window of an airplane. I miss digging my feet into the sand and staring off into the distance. I miss living near large masses of water. Water that I can see and touch whenever I feel like it. I am totally weird. Only a crazy person would think of the ocean when it’s freezing.

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In a way thinking of the ocean is just my way of wanting an escape. Wishing that people felt that way too. I get so consumed with other peoples ideas that I start to believe that they’re my own thoughts. Its been a while since I found people to connect with, people that are adventurous and not afraid of change. People that don’t want to go to the same boring places and actually want to venture out in different directions. We are so consumed with familiarity that going anywhere else seems like a hassle. I hate routine and I hate having to go to the same places because people are afraid of getting out of their comfort zone. I blame my area, I blame the central valley, most of all I blame people afraid of change. Then again I blame myself for not having the courage to venture off on my own. I could do it on my own, but like everyone else I too am afraid of a little change.

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To be honest with myself, I have to be honest with everyone else. I am scared. I am self-conscious. I am a lot of things in between. It’s so easy to want change from others but why is it often hard to seek change in ourselves. I want adventures, I want to experience new things, but I also want others to feel the same way too. It could just be the simple minded surroundings of my areas. Everyone’s lazy attempts at life, but at times I am no different. I want the ocean but I don’t want the journey that goes with seeing the ocean. I want the world to bend over backwards for me, but I can’t even lift a finger when the universe asks me to. I want the rain, but I settle for the drought. I want, I want, and I want, but I can’t seem to get myself started. I know to change things within ourselves we have to start small. Small victories before feeling victorious. I just can’t help but expect this huge change to start happening now. I am impatient for big changes and not realizing small changes are victories too.

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I want to get to the ocean before the weather starts getting warmer. I want to place my feet in the freezing cold waters and feel whole again. I want the ocean because somewhere deep inside I need the change. I need a change in scenery. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, all I know is that it will happen someday soon.

 

 

 

12 Uvas de Ano Nuevo. 12 Grapes for New Year.

 

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12 Grapes of Destiny. SIKE. 12 Grapes/Uvas of the New Year. 2015

 

Every New Year’s Eve, it is customary in my household that we eat the 12 grapes of destiny at precisely 12am. Okay, they’re not reallllly called the 12 grapes of destiny. It’s basically an old superstition, that after consuming the 12 grapes (that represent each month of the year), that you make a wish for each grape (month). It is to ensure good luck into the upcoming year, along with many other superstitions. It’s a practice that we as a family have been doing for years.

While I am all for superstitions, I never really gave much thought to them. Most of my wishes always seemed far fetched. Just something to pass the time before everyone cheered to the new year.  Some realistic, some outrageous, and some just the same thing I ask every year. This year I wanted things to be different. I always had resolutions but wishes always seemed to run along the lines of Unicorns and Wizards (which are both AWESOME). While 2014 was my year of change (which I will get into on another post), 2015 is going to be the year of progress and productivity. It is rather cliché to say anything about resolutions but wishes?

Wishes are boss and I’m going to talk about what I wish for in the upcoming 12 months.

1. Travel.

Travel is always number 1 on my wish list. I believe travelling is one of the greatest experiences anyone can do in their lifetime.  It’s no surprise that I love to travel. In 2014 alone, I travelled to a few more places that I never imagined I would visit. Of course I visited my same sacred haunts but experiencing different places is always magical to me. Everyone needs to travel some place completely different and my wish for 2015 is to travel to different far off destinations. There is so much of the world that I want to explore and so many experiences I could only dream of discovering.

2. Get out of my Comfort zone. Try new things.

I am a creature of habit with a minor in insecurities. I have a tendency of doing only the things that won’t cause me any stress or anxiety. It’s really hard at times to get out of my comfort zone, when my comfort zone is very comfy. Over the course of 2014, I slowly started dipping my toes out of my comfort zone. I don’t mind trying new things but I’m so used to my routine that I never stray away from it. 2015 will be the year of trying new things and putting a full foot out of my comfort zone.

3. Stop making Excuses.

Here’s the thing. I make an excuse for everything. I’m good at making excuses. If you need help getting out of any situation, call me and I will make up an excuse for you.  It’s just what I do to get out of anything. It’s absolutely terrible but I can’t help myself but do it. For the past couple of years I have made excuses for everything, this year 2015, it stops. I’m tired of making up excuses. I am tired of delaying progress. This is the year that things happen, instead of making an excuse as to why it didn’t happen.

4. Be Healthy.

This ties into #3. I am the most unhealthy person. I know my young hot body will fool you, but I’m severely unhealthy. While I am not as bad as I used to be, I’m still not where I need to be. I make up excuses as to why am I not being active and most of them (okay ALL of them) are lies. It’s part laziness and part fear, and a huge part of just one big excuse of not wanting to do it. 2015 is the year that the excuses stop, and the getting healthy begins. While I know that I will never be some crazy health nut,  I just want to get to the point that I feel better. I have been the most unkind to my body, and it’s about time I started treating it right.

5. Stop being negative. Stop hating.

One of my most unhealthy qualities is being negative. I am my own worst enemy. It doesn’t stop with how I treat myself but my opinions of others. Instead of being positive, I find myself just being downright mean. I don’t know what causes me to do, but it happens all the time. I should be more positive. I should  stop caring about what other people do and start focusing on my own life. I’ve spent years just nitpicking everyone that it’s driven me to be a hater. I love talking shit but hate when the shit talking comes back to me. Who am I to judge people? Honestly, I am nobody. I don’t have my life together, I am not any close to where I need to be, and still I sit and judge people. On top of it all, I handicap my own life with my negativity. Instead of being proactive with my life, I sit and dwell on my own personal bullshit. Time to stop being negative and stop being a hater.

6. Get my life together.

I wish for this every year. Every year something happens and just when I think I’ve gotten ahead, I fall 17 steps back. Stop spending time wishing and start doing. I have spent the past few years just going through the motions when I should have been saving, planning, doing. Last year was an awakening. I don’t just need to get my life together, I will get my life together. I have been waiting for people for years, when I should have been doing things for myself. This is my life and I can’t wait around for opportunities anymore. Once I see an opportunity, I need to start taking them.

7. Letting go of people.

This blog has been my dedication of letting things go. There are some things I can’t stop holding on to. I have a problem with letting people go. The people that have hurt me, the people that have used me, and even friendships with people that haven’t been around for me. I hold on to these people in the hopes that they will change. That somehow they will comeback and be a good friend to me. Truth is as much as I expect people to change, most people don’t. Everyone is on their own hustle and as much as I am happy for their hustle, it leaves me in the dust. I’m tired of being everyone’s “break in case of emergency” friend. I am tired of waiting around for people that will never change. On top of that, I am tired of putting the effort for  people that don’t put the smallest effort for me. I understand that friendships work both ways, but why am I always the person to have to contact people? Why do I care more about a friendship when other people don’t? This year, I just need to let those people go. Stop with communications, stop putting out the effort, and eventually stop being a friend. I know who my friends are and I am content with that.

8. The Great Outdoors.

Here’s something you may or may not know about me. I hate being outside. Unless being outside revolves around a BBQ, baseball game, or outdoor mall, I just can’t do it. I realized after a lifetime hiatus of not being an outdoors person, I needed to go outdoors more. I needed to be one with nature, see the sights, and of course be outdoors. While I still get a tiny anxiety being outside, I know that in the end it will do me some good. Sunshine is good for you right? So, I’ve heard.

9. Be kinder to myself.

I am my worst critic. I have done everything and anything to hurt my body. It’s taken years to fully appreciate my progress and be in love with my body. Not only my body, but be in love with myself. I am always clouded by other people’s judgments or even my own insecurities. I have a hard time understanding that everything is a work in progress. I may not be 100% the person I want to be but I have to be okay with the journey.

10. More conversation, less social media.

I love social media. I love social media for the aspect that people get a personal glimpse into my life that they seldom ever get. My problem is I rely too much on social media that I forget to have real conversations with people. Social media has increased my anxiety around people and decreased my level of interaction. If I am uncomfortable in a situation, I text someone. If I am insecure about something, I fidget with my phone and take pictures. I have such a hard time interacting with people that I turn to social media to help me interact with people. While social media has helped with meeting new people, it hasn’t helped me talk with people in real life. I told myself I was going to start being more involved. While I will still be on social media, I will take more time to talk to people. More real conversations with real people. Less small talk and more real talk.

11. Read more Books.

As many know, I have a problem with spending. Therefore, I tend to spend on millions of things. Some of those  millions of things, happen to be books. I can’t tell you how many piles of books I have. Books, I have started. Books, I am half way through. Books, I haven’t even started. 2014, I made it my goal to read 10 books before the new year. I was very proud when I realized I had read 12 books, 2 more than my quota! YAY ME! However, I also purchased 10 more books (I KNOW but I said I was “Getting my life together” OKAY!). We will see where this goes. Hopefully, I will finish all the books, as well as the books that still need to be finished. 15 books for 2015? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

12. Learn more about my culture.

If you don’t already know, I am of Mexican descent. For the past couple of years, I have made it my mission to learn more things about my culture. Whether it be about my own family history, learning about Mexico’s history, or even learning to cook different recipes. More importantly, I want to learn more about my family. I have a very large family on both my mother and my father side, I want to learn as much as I can from each member of the family. I want to see life through different people’s perspective. I want to get to know my family both culturally, as well as personally. There’s so much you miss out on with family living in another county. Which is the reason why I want to learn as much as I can from family. What better way to get to know your culture then by your own family, right?

 

These are my wishes for the upcoming 2015 year. I intended to make this list more realistic than I have in years. Things I can make come true and accomplish in reality. 2015 will be my year of progress and productivity. I will be more creative this year, I will go on more adventures, and I will fully let things go. 2015 feels different from all the other years. It’s a year of getting things done!!

Here’s to a brand spanking new year and well wishes for 2015!