all by myself

8/9/2015 – Day Three.

Emotions have a way of turning you upside down and inside out. For the past few days, I’ve felt what emotions can do to you physically and emotionally. Personally, I can’t take it anymore. This push/pull feeling of being okay and then later being in pain. I started realizing that my days seemed numbered. That I was struggling to feel anything aside from this numbing pain of being hurt. Which is crazy, I shouldn’t be feeling this pain. I had nothing to provoke this pain and yet this heartbreaking feeling manages to wash over me.

There’s always this feeling of emptiness that harbors inside. That no matter how much I could possible eat or how much I drink, I just can’t get that satisfying feeling of being full. Of course emptiness is a feeling that can transcend different emotions, but hunger was a pain I couldn’t get rid of. I always find myself feeling hungry when I am upset. After the way I was feeling the day before, hunger felt like the only emotion I could control. Somewhere between the dismantling of my closet and the rearrangement, I decided I should treat myself to something to eat. Lately the problem with eating is my limited options and new found eating habits to consider. Usually when I am upset I gravitate toward the greasiest, saltiest, gluttonous food, but after a illness scare, I have been fairly strict with my eating habits. To say that it doesn’t frustrate me, would be lying. It does frustrate me, severely. Just the thought that I can’t be happy with what I eat, even knowing that my past habits are not healthy for me. I am so used to eating the way that I want and to take me away from that is completely foreign to me. However, there are cheat days and when I am not feeling 100%, I give into my old eating ways. I can’t be strict all the time, ya know?

I have eaten millions of meals with people. Meals with fascinating, amazing people. All of my friends, family, friends of friends, etc. Interesting characters all unique in their own individual way. I have how ever never eaten a meal alone. I have eaten at home dozens of times, eaten in my car more times than I can count. But to sit in a restaurant by myself, I’ve never done. It’s that paranoia that people are watching me, judging me. Which is why eating alone is always close to impossible. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that feeling of really feeling alone. I could order a meal, pick it up, and eat it at home, I mean I could. But even being at home, I don’t feel alone. I just wanted a moment to collect my thoughts, write them down, and be completely and utterly alone. Maybe I could make sense of how I was feeling and put it down on paper. I didn’t want to go to a place that was completely crowded, I also didn’t want to go to a place that was completely empty, so the logical choice was Denny’s. Mainly that it has a load of options and even on the worst possible days, even they can’t mess up my food.

Denny’s has been the center point to many instances in my life. It sometimes gets to the point that I crave Denny’s. There isn’t a memory that doesn’t incorporate Denny’s in it. I know a good fair share of people that don’t care for Denny’s, I personally seek happiness in Denny’s. It’s comfort food. I know what to order and I know it’s always going to be good (I do not work for Denny’s, so this is pretty much coming from the goodness of my heart). I honestly hadn’t been to a Denny’s in over a year or maybe even more. There’s something about going somewhere that you seek comfort in that calms you. Today of all days, I just wanted to pack my bag full of notebooks, drive, and eat some Denny’s. Normally I would call any one of my family members or friends, but today I just didn’t feel like entertaining. I didn’t feel like telling stories, telling jokes, over exaggerating situations, I just wanted to be alone. By myself with my thoughts, feelings, and sadness, and eat food that I know is bad for me.

It’s no secret that I have been avoiding social media. After deleting all my social platforms off my phone, I have been out of touch with the world. I just don’t care anymore, I truly don’t. After having a meltdown on twitter about a month ago, I just didn’t feel up to putting my emotions on social media. I also realized what a distraction social media was, to the point of obsession. I was checking countless social media outlets several times a day that it was interfering with my life. I shouldn’t care what people say but sometimes people say the tiniest thing and it makes you paranoid about your own life. Makes you feel guilty about what you say or do. My only way to combat my fears was to take away what was causing my paranoia and anxiety. After taking that away, I started to see life differently. It always takes me a while to get myself together to do things by myself and today was no different. I realized how much of a crutch I used social media for, just something to occupy my time and calm my nerves. Something to fidget with before I got up the nerve to start. I sat in my car for a few minutes, maybe I could still invite someone to go with me. I still had time to change my mind. Maybe all I really needed was to just sit and talk to someone. The minutes seemed to pass and before I knew it I was out of the car and headed toward the entrance.

You begin to realize how much more aware you are of your surroundings, when you don’t have your phone glued to your hands. More aware of people, sounds, and conversations. More aware of your own personal being, thoughts, and even your own shadows. You observe more, you wait to see if people see you, the way you are seeing them. I am used to shielding myself with technology that I often forget whats in front of me. Sometimes there are things that you don’t see within the camera lens. Things you forget that are staring back at you in the background. I wish I could photograph and record everything, but it doesn’t give you that same feeling. It doesn’t give you the music you hear, the chill in your spine, and that spring in your step. I miss hearing life in between “Like” and “Reblog”. I found myself hiding behind my own insecurities. I didn’t realize how much I missed the sounds of life. Even Denny’s bred a life form of silverware chattering, people bickering, plates slamming, hustling. Everyone I could see sitting in booths and chairs may have been surrounded by people, even if I was alone I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel my heart race with fear or anxiety. I didn’t feel people judging me and pointing fingers at my flaws. For the first time in days I felt okay. I felt safe. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t have felt had I been with someone else. It was something I had to learn being on my own in a chain restaurant in the middle of nowhere.

When your heart is hurting you don’t feel like anyone sees you. You could be right in front of someone but you’ll feel they see right through you. Maybe no one really sees you for who you are but today I saw myself. Scared, vulnerable, alone and for the first time in a long time I was okay with that.

Better for myself.

Do you ever reach that point in your life where you just want to be alone? Detach yourself from everything and be truly alone. Leave the comforts of dependency and seek comfort in solidarity. Lately, I have realized I can’t do things alone. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s human nature to seek comfort in others. But lately I find myself detaching from everything I believed I enjoyed and trying to find how to do things on my own.

If I have to be really honest, I hate doing things alone. Hate it. This anxiety of going off into the world and doing things by myself frightens me. Which is the reason why I put my dependency on many people. None of it is wrong, its good to be surrounded by good people. Lately, I just need a moment. A moment to myself, to be alone, do things by myself and see what happens. You don’t know who you truly are until you are faced with hours of being alone. For the past couple of months I watched myself depend on the approval of people in many aspects of my life. Whether it be in my personal life or professional life, I needed this stamp of approval from everyone. I don’t know how I got this way. Have I always been this way? This desperation of a person that seeks the approval of everyone? I don’t know what it is, but it frightens me. This need to be someone to prove to everyone else that I can be something.

I don’t have anything to prove to anyone anymore. Even lately I don’t even know what I should be proving to myself. The reality of life is that I am growing up. I don’t want to be so public with everything I do in my life. I don’t want to show everyone what I am doing. I don’t want people to know where I am going. Life isn’t one big “who can do it big and better” competition. Somewhere in the past few years I lost sight of that. When did the little screens in front of us, become more important then human interaction? I hate it. It’s a popularity competition to seek the approval of the people in the screens we see before us. I am just tired of it. Why do I care what people think of me? Why do I care if you like me or you don’t?

Lately, I haven’t felt much like myself. I have felt withdrawn, sad, angry, anxious, all for feeling alone. I never used to be that way. I could spend hours doing things that I loved without the comfort of other people. I find myself getting angry at people I shouldn’t be angry at. I hated being alone because being alone meant finding out who I really was alone. When did I stop liking myself that being alone with myself is a burden? The more that I grow up the more I realize that everyone is on their own hustle. Everyone is growing up and doing things on their own and I feel stuck. You start taking things personally that maybe you’re the problem. Instead of talking to people, I kept things to myself and starting making myself upset. I hate being alone, I hate this person I am when I am alone, why am I this way? I guess in a way you really start to realize who you are when nobody is around. Some days I don’t really like myself as much as I should.

For the next couple of months, I want to be alone. Okay I know I can’t be alone completely for months but I can be alone for moments of months. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my dreams, and alone with my nightmares. I want to miss people. I want to fall in love with people, places, and things again. More importantly I want to prove to myself that I can actually do things alone without the help of others. I want to figure things out, make mistakes, and prove to myself that I can do things alone. I want to worry less about what the tiny screen says back at me and see the faces in front of me. Maybe I have officially gone mad, but sometimes the things that frighten you the most are the things you have to do for yourself. I haven’t done things on my own for a long time, it’s time that I started.

I am disconnecting myself from social media. If you need me, you know where to find me.

Let’s see how this experiment goes.