being used

Use Somebody.

We’re all in the market to use and be used. Everyone has what we need and everyone has what we want. It’s easy to pretend you need somebody. Anybody. A pulse, a touch, and a feeling. We need somebody. We need anybody. Give us the little attention that we crave, and we’ll take everything we need.

Anybody.
Somebody.
Anything.
Something.

It’s never who we want, its always who we need. What we could get from the fools of people who can easily be manipulated. Foolish people giving away secrets. Timid vulnerabilities that trust too easily and expose themselves too quickly. That’s all we are good for; telling secrets to the mighty that never needed us at all.  We are the fools, the pathetic, the broken, and the fallen. We are the suckers that believe every word and watch as heels dig deeper on our backs. Doormats with a pulse that can’t help but dust themselves off, time and time again.

Watching everyone hide behind lies and deceptive expectations. Then silently watch them turn around and play the victim. Cast your stones, you can’t hurt me. Throw your shade, I am too close to the light. How we love to absorb every ounce of this energy, leave you suffocating for more. You get what you paid for, you got what you wanted. Now leave the fools to lick their wounds and salvage what little dignity they have left. It’s always what you want, always what you need. What you can get from everyone that you can’t find for yourself.

How easily you shine when people believe you. How easy it was to be the taker with nothing to give. It’s what you take from people that makes you who you are. It what builds the foundation of who you are and where you came from. We all want to use somebody. Be somebody to be used. Become the fool for foolish prides and juvenile expectations. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shames all on me. I should have seen the track marks as signs of what’s to come. Instead boys who cry wolf with their crocodile tears lead me to believe in everything else. You used me. Used me until I had nothing left.

I won’t be there to save you. One day the big bad wolf will take you whole and blow your house down. The people you use will band against you, then you’ll have nothing left. How mighty we feel when we have everything we want. Oh, how the mighty fall when they’ve lost everything they had.

Go cry to your sheep. Go cry to your legions of people that have yet to be used. Save your mighty self for a change. I can’t save you anymore, maybe it’s time you saved your own fucking yourself.

Left and Leaving.

I am afraid of Goodbyes, which has made it hard for me to let go. Holding on to things long after the after glow. It should be easy to be done and over with it all, but I keep coming back for more. Waiting for people to change, waiting for everything and the in-between. I can change everything else in my life but I can’t change the feeling of letting someone go. Holding on to the nostalgia of different times when things really mattered, realizing it never really mattered at all.

Why does it always happen to me? Am I not enough? Don’t you care enough to stay?

People are so self consumed in there own misery to notice you. I am no stranger to that. But when you need something you call on me, I always listen. It’s only when you need me around that you can find me. It’s been months since communication stopped and still you need me around. It’s hard letting go to the people that only need you sometimes. The flood of memories surrounding you don’t out weigh the outcome. If I bleed, would you even notice? If I said I needed you, would you bother to be there? We are all in the market to use someone. We make friends to legions and flocks of people, just to use from them all their resources. Needing something from everybody. Occupy our time with the expectations of a good time. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt when people forget me. I can’t pretend that no matter how many times I try, It’s just not enough. Who am I to compete with the beautiful and damned? Who am I to say that feeling alone is never really lonely?

If I was perfect, people would want me. If I had everything you needed, people would need me. If I hadn’t said all the things I said, people would care enough to listen to my story. People can go into silence and pretend that memories are just ghost stories of the past. Maybe that’s all I am, a funny story of the past. Something you tell yourself to feel better about the past. When you’ve dried up your last resource is when people come back. I wish I could be that person for you. That I didn’t feel like just another photograph that you filter out the imperfections. Some days it hurts and some days its easier to forget people. Thats all I am trying to do, have the courage to forget people. Making the goodbyes, easier to say.

For the first time I didn’t feel like inviting you out. I stopped including you in my stories. I stopped planning adventures and asking you to go. If I pretend you don’t exist, it makes it hurt less. Maybe all silence ever is, is a softer way of leaving and letting go.  I watched the memories turn to dust and replaced them with something shiny and new. It’s after you are left alone that the leaving becomes easier. If it wasn’t for me to reach out, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. All we need is to be alone with our thoughts to finally grow up and let go. I find myself becoming a grown up. I am growing up, as much as I wish I wasn’t. We all are, even you. I just wish I could see it all through.

2/4/2015