black and blue

How to Disappear Completely.

I want to disappear.

Disappear into the mist of a haunting song. Be lost in the melody and forgotten between the bars. I am not there, I am not anywhere. I want to race toward the dark and hide within the sounds of sorrowing goodbyes.

I do this to myself. I do this on my own. I am not there. If you saw me, you wouldn’t see right through me. If you saw me, I wouldn’t need to disappear.

I watch the memories tarnish and turn shades of bronze. I watch people come and go as they please and burn themselves brightly in the sun. But I am not there. I watch myself drop beneath the shallow graves into the ground. I watch as one by one of my scars open up slowly. I am bleeding turning black and blue, but you don’t see me. I’ll be gone before you know it. I’ll be gone before the words reach you.

I am crystal clear in the sunlight days, but now I bleed black and blue. If only I could outstretch my arms to the skies and reach straight to the stars. If only I could pretend that a little light is better than no light at all. Slowly I sink beneath the hollow ground beneath the earth and silently turn to dust.

I am not there.
I am disappearing.
I am leaving.

Gone.

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7/10/2015

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Girl on Fire.

If you cut my wings, I’ll only bleed. I will stay close to the ground in the ashes of the fire, that you burn before me. You will break my heart but I will not be broken. You cannot break me. I will not be weak for your affection nor attention. I will not be defeated. I’ll bleed in the aftermath of the fire but I will not burn. I refuse to burn for your amusement. I’ll bleed through your battles but will win the war. I have been down this road too many times before. The rivers will bleed in the bloods of my sorrow but my strength will see me through.

So bright, she can burn your eyes, Better look the other way

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Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I will cry, I will break, but I refuse to burn. It’s the ashes of the fires that will see me through. You cannot hurt me for I will rise above this. Your words are your fists to plummet me to the ground, but you will not come up victorious. You use your words to break me but I will not be broken. I will break to bleed but you will not cut my wings. You cannot hurt my wounded soul with the words of your grief and sorrow. You will not hurt me no more. I may be black and blue but you will not defeat me. I will not be defeated.

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I will watch the flames you throw at me burn, but I am untouchable. For the flames turn to ashes that I will rise above. Through the ashes I will see this through. I am not afraid of you. I dust the ashes from my skin and watch myself overcome these wounds. My cuts they bleed and scab but soon they heal. I am on the mend from this bloody mess that you put me through. You cannot clip my wings. You cannot hurt this wounded vessel that once burned for you. Black and blue and bleeding through. Fighting fire with fire will only burn you. You will not hurt me anymore. I bind you in your misery and misfortune, you will not touch me. I refuse to let you hurt me. It’s my wings that I use to fly far from you. From this mess, this hurt, this pain. I will not burn. I will bleed, I will scab, but I will not burn. Not for you. Not for anyone. If you cut my wings, I’ll only bleed but you cannot defeat me.

I will not be defeated.

She’s just a girl, and she’s on fire

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out of the woods.

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You took my hand and said If nobody knows, no one will get hurt. Keeping quietly calm and seeing who was better at the breaking. I wasn’t ready to jump from him to you, but still we found our way to play our part. Better than the rest of them. We couldn’t make it out like the best of them. We stayed behind in the misty fog hidden behind the trees of the lies we told ourselves.

The rest of the world was black and white, but we were in screaming color

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It was easy to put your photographs in the frames of my memory. For once I gave a shot a chance but I didn’t know we weren’t built to last. Your hand mimicked my hand perfectly. Still I thought we stood a chance. Not everything about us was broken. We masked our scars with the flaws of our misguided youth. We weren’t the ones to stop to smell the roses. Instead we cleaned up shiny and new, pretending that everything was alright. Then the screaming, then the lying, came the denying, to the hurt, and now the pain. Is this what you wanted? No one will ever find out. No one will ever know. I can hide the bruises of my heart and if nobody knows, no one will ever get hurt.

Remember when we couldn’t take the heat
I walked out, I said, I’m setting you free

It was never a game of choosing sides. But you chose hers and I chose mine. That was it for me. When you made the assumption that you were greater than what you were, is the same moment you lost me to her. Not everything about us was bad but we buckled under the weight of our deception. I came out black and blue and you still came out golden. I came out wanting you and still you wanted the woods with their monsters and liesThe monsters of your words still chase me into the woods. Through the fog and into the misty trails. How did I let this go so far? How do I get out of here and know I am safe from the bullshit misconceptions of love? I’ll never make it out of here alive.

Tell me when the coast is the clear.

Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good

tswift

 

3/17/2006