breaking up

You might think I’m bulletproof but I’m not.


It takes a day where the weather changes and freezes your insides. A day like this that has you remember the past. One small change of the weather and your soul is exposed for the world to see. At any moment any word can cause an effect of water works. Larger than any ocean. One huge tidal wave of emotions that no matter how much you hold out your hands, everything comes crashing through.

Its okay to reflect. It’s okay to remember. Remembering that at one point in your life you loved so deeply, it hurt every muscle in your body. It doesn’t matter how often you go through changes like a chameleon, changing stripes to spots. It doesn’t take away the feeling of emptiness. This vacant haunting feeling that no matter what you do, you can’t escape from. Memories come back to haunt you while you sleep, no matter how much you suppress them in your waking life. You loved and you lost, is what you tell yourself. Just one big armor you wear to keep from falling apart. Keep from getting hurt. You watch the water rise and wash against you, still you stand very still. Being still is better than falling apart.

You could write a book on how to ruin someone’s perfect day

The countless times you’ve been knocked down, pushed around, and you walk away with every tear that continues to shed. Its the salt water that comforts but never heals. Every time you walk away, it’s a song, a saying, a sentence, or even tiny change in the weather, that stops you in your tracks and you can’t help but remember. It hits you to straight to your core, worse than any words could. You loved, you lost and you couldn’t help yourself but to move on. Because loving someone this much should never hurt as much as it does. Loving someone to the point of breaking doesn’t make us bulletproof from ourselves.

Why, do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why, do you have to put down my dreams
So you’re the only thing on my mind

I walk around with this armor around my heart, unable to feel the cold in my bones. This armor that hides my emotions from the next person. I am bulletproof. Everything you shot at me bounces off back to you. But on the days where the weather changes the leaves from green to yellow to brown, its when I can’t fight back. Its when a little bit of the cold, hits at my insides and I am exposed to the world. Live and learn, love and loss. Eventually the weather changes and I go on my way. Every once in a while, I slip. I hear a song, a melody, words, and I am right back where I started from. Think what you will about me but sometimes being strong doesn’t give me strength.

You might think I’m bulletproof, but I’m not.



Trying my Best to Love You.

Two weeks.

Enough is enough, is what I said to myself with my arms outstretched to the sky. Its moments like this that I wonder if I wanted it to end before anything even started. Wanting the pain before it even hit me. I reached out for the pain and found it aching in my bones.  I never knew in love that you could reach a breaking point. Because in every love song, there’s a happy ending. In every love story there’s still love that can be obtained. I waited for your return like every maiden in distress does, waiting for their knight to save them from themselves. It’s been two weeks and still I hear only the silence that separates us.

I was wrong for a lot of reasons and things. Wrong for the ways I knew I could have been better for you. Thats what this all was, just ways I could be better for you. Its been two weeks and I can’t wrap my head around much of anything lately. I am the one that’s suppose to make this better. I am the one that should be changing.  But I am the one thats sitting in my own melancholy glory. Sitting with my thoughts rambling together and causing chaos in my mind. We weren’t perfect but you thought otherwise. In your quest for perfection you lost everything and gained only what you wanted back. I can’t say everything that I want for fear of losing. Because losing you would be my greatest unhappiness and thats just what I did. I lost you and it’s been two weeks and I can’t help myself.

For a person who knew me better than I knew myself, you hardly knew me at all. When I pushed, I wanted you to pull back. I wanted you to see through the armor and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I was wrong to want you for all the things that made us break. I was wrong to be selfish in my own loneliness and expect someone to save me before I could even save myself. I never lied about who I was and you know exactly who I was when you met me. I was a vulnerable mess and broken to the touch. You knew that, all of that and still I couldn’t make you stay. It’s been two weeks and I can’t even begin to think what a lifetime could be without you.

Kissing a hundred boys won’t bring you back. No amount of drinks could ever drink you goodbye. Because saying goodbye would only mean I would lose you forever. I am not sure I am ready to take that risk. I am trying my best to love you, even if you don’t love me back. It’s been two weeks and I’m not sure I can’t last another lonely week.

I want you back my baby
I want you back in my arms
I want you back right now