breakups

In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

Me without You.

There’s no me without you.

I thought about you today for the first time in years. Distance doesn’t make up the years. Silence doesn’t forgive the tears. Still I thought about you for the first time in years. Endings are never sweet and I still feel something missing. Some things were left unsaid in the mess of here and there. All I want to do is reach out  and talk to you. Say everything I’ve always wanted to say. Even when I am hurting, I still want you around. Because you understood me better than I ever understood myself.

For the first time in years, I thought about the past. Thought about us and the memories that rang louder than any sound. When you miss someone, you imagine them trapped in a time where everything was beautiful. Even the years don’t make up for everything that came after. If things had been different, would it have mattered anyway? Here and now, everything in-between. Days have been passing, everything has been changing and I still wonder about you. Remembering you is looking back to the past, when I should be looking forward toward the future. Some days I still want you around, and I can’t help but think of all the mistakes that sunk this ship.

Everything happens for a reason. Even memories pinpoint the moments where everything went wrong. I can’t lie when I say I don’t miss you. I miss believing that at one point there was no me without you, but even people change. Every day we are growing farther and farther away from the past. What held us together for so long, eventually broke us apart. I am afraid of what comes after. Afraid of losing the thread that held these memories together. But I need this happen. To let you go and the memories that come with you. We can’t hurt, what we don’t see anymore. We can’t believe in people, if they no longer exist to us. The memories are all we have left that connect us to each other. Even memories lie and I can’t lie any longer.

There was no me without you. Slowly I am learning that without you, I can just be me. It hurts to miss you and even on the darkest days, I still want you around. I had to grow up to live without you. I had to grow up to see what I could be without you. I had to disappear to show that I could be me without you. Even on the darkest days, I still want you around but I don’t need you. I need the memories to keep me together, but as days go on, I don’t need you. In the end I only needed myself to get out of this pain, I needed to find myself and grow up from this. I do miss you but I missed who I was before you. Now I can finally be who I want to be.

There was no me without you. Now I know I can be just fine.

2/19/2014