california dreaming

Under the big bright yellow sun.

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Spring is always the oddest of seasons. This in between season of warmth and cold air, that’s wrapped up with the rays of the sun. It always made it seem that our skin called out to the sun to shine with us so warmly. Taking away the harsh reminders of the winter months. Oh, how we flock to the sun with it’s magnificently golden rays turning every thing it touches into reds, yellows, and bright oranges. The way the wind dances through your skin and on to every tree branch. Watching the blossoms from the trees, flood the streets with rains of petals through the wind. The wind screeching like thunder from the rain. I think about that moment. How no matter how dark I dyed my hair it always radiated red undertones in the sun. How on that rooftop I spent drinking in the sun mesmerized by colors and fragrant reminders of moments trapped in the past. Out of the scrapbook of memories I always think about that moment.

Can you see it? Can you remember an instant where a season transported emotions in a memory?

How the winds changed course and how big and bright the sun was in the afternoon. I could have spent an eternity on that rooftop. Over looking the streets and watching people walking to god knows where. I loved the sun at that moment. I loved how cold the wind felt and how the warmth of the drinks changed my mood and thoughts. In that moment I felt every bit of spring. I felt the sun wrap me up in it’s afternoon rays of sunshine glory. I wish I still had those photographs. Photographs of springs spent careless in the sun and believing at that moment, everything was happening for me. Even the photograph wouldn’t show how much I loved that moment. How much I loved that rooftop and looking back how much I loved that fucking city.

Everything.

Under the big bright yellow sun.

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A little back and forth lately.

I’ve been thinking about the ocean lately. Not in the classic summer way where thinking of beaches and warmer weather would make sense in this cold weather. But thinking of sand, water, and freezing cold temperatures. I miss the sounds of the ocean that I can’t hear from a bridge or from a window of an airplane. I miss digging my feet into the sand and staring off into the distance. I miss living near large masses of water. Water that I can see and touch whenever I feel like it. I am totally weird. Only a crazy person would think of the ocean when it’s freezing.

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In a way thinking of the ocean is just my way of wanting an escape. Wishing that people felt that way too. I get so consumed with other peoples ideas that I start to believe that they’re my own thoughts. Its been a while since I found people to connect with, people that are adventurous and not afraid of change. People that don’t want to go to the same boring places and actually want to venture out in different directions. We are so consumed with familiarity that going anywhere else seems like a hassle. I hate routine and I hate having to go to the same places because people are afraid of getting out of their comfort zone. I blame my area, I blame the central valley, most of all I blame people afraid of change. Then again I blame myself for not having the courage to venture off on my own. I could do it on my own, but like everyone else I too am afraid of a little change.

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To be honest with myself, I have to be honest with everyone else. I am scared. I am self-conscious. I am a lot of things in between. It’s so easy to want change from others but why is it often hard to seek change in ourselves. I want adventures, I want to experience new things, but I also want others to feel the same way too. It could just be the simple minded surroundings of my areas. Everyone’s lazy attempts at life, but at times I am no different. I want the ocean but I don’t want the journey that goes with seeing the ocean. I want the world to bend over backwards for me, but I can’t even lift a finger when the universe asks me to. I want the rain, but I settle for the drought. I want, I want, and I want, but I can’t seem to get myself started. I know to change things within ourselves we have to start small. Small victories before feeling victorious. I just can’t help but expect this huge change to start happening now. I am impatient for big changes and not realizing small changes are victories too.

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I want to get to the ocean before the weather starts getting warmer. I want to place my feet in the freezing cold waters and feel whole again. I want the ocean because somewhere deep inside I need the change. I need a change in scenery. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, all I know is that it will happen someday soon.