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Take offs & Landings.

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The road leads back to you and familiar far off places. I am leaving in various directions to far off destinations. Anywhere but here, and yet every where and in between. Leaving pieces of myself in different cityscapes and landscapes. Taking with me only what I need to live and survive. Leaving on a jet plane, and who knows when I’ll be back again.

When you’re far from home, you hardly miss it. You stay trapped in the subliminal bliss of journeys that await you. A new story, a familiar place, pieces of strangers that await you on the other side. I could sit in a million seats in crowded places, but nothing compares to the life you see from the gates to terminals. The comings and goings, take offs and landings. Where are we going? Home or further from it? Far off destinations that soon lead you home. I could open my heart and give a piece of it to every person that leaves before me. Open my heart to the strangers and their journeys. Its the strangers that facisnate me. That leave to places I’ll never see, places I’ll never know. We are only the same from the terminal to the gates. Then off on to our journeys and the life that awaits. I leave my past to enjoy the present that awaits me. Familiar places with different faces. Each journey farther from home but eventually leading me home.

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Time stands still. Remembering people, remembering stories and the memories of who we are and who we were. With each trip I am learning, with each trip I am growing up. Searching for parts of myself that I didn’t think would ever exist outside the boundaries of my hometown. My hands shake in anticipation of a new adventure. I can only keep going from here. Embrace this adventure and the people I will encounter. For a brief moment in time, I am connected to these people. To the people that leave and the people that return. We are all connected to an adventure of finding things about ourselves, and growing from each and every experience. Its those strangers that I love, its those strangers that I connect to.

Miles from home, I never feel alone. Miles from home I feel a connection to this life, this illusion of living in and out of a big fat suitcase. Being on the road, I feel more connected to myself then staying in one place. Between take offs and landings is where I feel at home. Up in the sky, floating through the clouds in this never ending dreamland. If you could see me now, if you could see how I fly. If only you could understand that staying in one place, never suited me at all. But being miles away from home, and miles to go before I sleep, at this moment I feel just fine.

 

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8/30/2015 – Day Sixteen.

Its weird to think that being in a different environment could change your feelings. Even a slight change in the weather, could change a mood you’re feeling. I never go running toward sun, I am seldom ever outside. Its never the light I crave to make me feel better. I love feelings of seasons that ache at your bones, that cut to the core. I love hearing thunder and lightening roll into one chaotic storm. I love feeling every inch of the rain, placed delicately then chaotically onto my skin. Pulling layers over me and finding comfort in the warmth that no longer harbors on the outside. Going to places that are not drenched with the sun. Where I don’t feel so exposed. I’ve expressed my love for the rain countless times, sometimes its the rain that surprises you with its love. Finding myself being stuck in a downpour that followed up with hail, seemed completely beautiful to me.

When your state is plagued with drought, you miss the rain. Storms, sprinkles, drizzling into gloomy weather, everything. This beautiful country can go through seasons in the matter of hours. It’s the rain storms that make me feel more at home. I love how the streets fill with water and glisten under the street lights. How the sounds of water hitting every inch of  pavement and knowing you never stood a chance against the storm. How jaded you felt walking the streets. As the sun mocked and hid behind the clouds, playing peek a boo with the sky. Hiding its joyful rays behind overcast shades and gray skies. It reminds me of home. It reminds me of San Francisco with it’s bipolar weather changes. It reminds me of seasons yet to come forth toward the upcoming months.

I love it here.

How weather doesn’t change from fall to summer. I watch myself fall even more in love with the weather. How could you possibly be upset with that? That something magically beautiful and pure like the rain could ever make you upset. I watch lights flicker and drown with the sounds of the storm and wonder how long until this passes. All storms ever do is pass and leave you to clean up the mess. It doesn’t hurt when I am here, it doesn’t hurt to be here as the storm continues. I watch people run for cover and shield themselves from every inch of this beautiful rain. I can’t help but at times feel like this storm. I am the storm that screams and cries to reach out to someone. People scatter and run for cover until the sun comes out and welcomes them out again. All I want is for people to listen and stretch their arms out to me, but they remain scared and afraid of what comes after. I can’t avoid the weather. I can seek shelter but no matter how much I shield myself the storm still follows. The storm guarding the sun from the mess it makes while its away. I watch as my storms turn to hurricanes, while the sun is away. I am okay, I will be okay. I am not the one to soak up the sun, when all I want is to dance in the rain.

 

Pursuit of Happiness.

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit.

I am watching everything in my life slip away. Through the clouds of the smoke that we so delicately breathe out of ourselves. We are wasting away the nights drinking away our sorrows, when all we want to do is sit silently in deep thoughts and conversations. I have nothing to hide from these monsters I see before me. I have nothing to hide from the people that are surrounding me. All I ever wanted was a reason to escape these nightmares that keep me up at night. Instead I watch myself disappear into the clouds and float away from everything around me.

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Everything and everyone is alive in slow motion. Turning into blurry masses, while I constantly observe this happening. I am not afraid. I sit and observe in hope that in time I too will turn into a blurry mass of nothing. Disappear into the misty fog clouds that I see before me. Become nothing but a huge cloud of smoke and then nothing. I could die at this moment and still feel more alive then I did in my waking life. Feel something more than I have ever felt. Maybe death isn’t such a bad thing, all I know is that at this moment living is just a hard as dying.

Do you think you ever get to that point where everything feels okay? Where everything finally comes alive and you don’t feel this way? Will I ever feel like I am living?

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I just want an excuse to disappear. Become another blurry mass in the crowd of slow motion living. Instead I sit and watch the mockery everyone makes of themselves. I watch everyone move slowly as an exaggerated version of themselves. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I imagined my life to be. I can’t help but feel trapped around the same things and the same people. Every last one of us wanted a reason to disappear. Drinking and smoking away every last bit of our selves to feel something. Anything. I just want an excuse to stay awake because its the nightmares that keep me up at night. Its the thoughts of loneliness and sadness that can’t stop once they’re settled under my skin. Hurting myself can only go so far and once I exhausted all my resources, how much more of the destruction do I have left.

I am too deep into my self destruction to get myself out of this mess. I just wish for this all to be over. The tears, the numbing, the nightmares, everything. Maybe not today, but soon. Until then I’ll sit here disappearing into the clouds and wishing for something else. Anything else. This road to happiness and my many ways of pursuing greatness.  Maybe someday.

I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be good. 

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7/1/2009