desperation

Stay with me.

stay with me

 

There was this desperation to have you. Even if it meant risking everything. If it meant lying to everyone, including myself, I just wanted you. I stopped loving you a long time ago, but I hate to lose. And I was always losing. You see it was always a game. This game between us to see who could put up with the most. I didn’t give two fucks about you, but I wanted you. I didn’t need you, I wanted you.

No it’s not a good look
Gain some self control

It’s was a push and pull and at times it didn’t feel like a game. Most times it felt like we were worlds apart. I wanted different things but you are always what I was certain of.  I look back now and realized it was all a game. Just a stupid fucking game, and I hated to lose.  We were comfortable leaving, when all I really wanted was an excuse to stay. I ran out of excuses and the desperation weighed in. I could have lied until I was blue in my face to make you stay. To make your decisions change, all to prove this point that I was right and you were always wrong.

And deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My heart couldn’t pretend any longer. The more I pushed the more I begged for you to pull me back. To you this was all just one silly game and I was on the outside begging to play. It was easy for you to leave and all I wanted was for you to stay. This desperation, this need to have you, was just to hide my loneliness from the masses. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it wasn’t what I deserved but still I wanted everything you threw at me. It’s amazing the things we put our heart through in this desperation to be loved and desired. Thats all I could have ever wanted. This feeling of being wanted and loved. This feeling of curing my loneliness and fighting back the tears of being alone.

I don’t want you to leave
Will you hold my hand

Even if this hurts. Even if it makes us miserable. Even if this never works out. Stay. Stay with me, until the feeling comes back. Stay with me, until I find someone new. Give me a reason to believe this game was worth it. A reason to believe that all this push and pull was worth it. Stay. Stay with me until the loneliness disappears. If only for a moment. If only until my heart puts itself back together. Stay.

Won’t you, stay with me.

Please.

7/2/2009 1400101510972c8-original-1

 

 

 

 

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What kind of man.

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You held on for as long as you needed to. Leaving all the broken pieces shattered around you. This was how you loved, this was how you expressed yourself. Breaking everything in your path that didn’t need to be broken. You were far to broken to concern yourself with decaying corpses. Still you sucked the life out of every living breathing thing, consuming yourself with the living instead of fixing up your own broken path. These were your paths and your stories. Your lives with the lies that you told to make everything whole again.

You do such damage, how do you manage?
Tryna crawl in back for more

You loved too many and you loved too much. All your mistakes transferred to every single one of those broken pieces you left scattered behind. Who was to blame for your mass destruction and chaos that lay beneath you feet. Who was to blame when you loved too much and left the lifeless to fend for themselves. The glass hearts of everyone that stood in your way, shattered and scattered once you let go. You were good with letting go just when you needed too. Just enough time to live, love, and forget everything. This was how you lived and how you loved. How you broke apart every living vessel and left the corpses of broken people behind. This was how you said you loved everything until you took everything you wanted. If this is how you love, just take it back. Take everything you said back because no man could ever hurt to the point of breaking someone.

What kind of man loves like this

I was left to fend for myself and pick up all the pieces you left behind. Because it was you that said you loved but held on just when you needed to. Letting go and watching my lifeless corpse cross the channels to find you again. Swimming through the broken shattered pieces and cutting myself deep just to reach you. I bled, I fought and I cried every fucking time because this was how you loved. My own foolish broken heart didn’t know any better but to pick up the pieces and reach you again. There you dangled my lifeless corpse and started this mess all over again. I am lifeless, I am hurt, and more than anything I am scatterbrained and broken to the touch. I watched you with a noble heart, hoping that you’d come back to find me. I sat broken in disbelief and wished that you’d see through to my broken soul.

Storms pass then you see a clearing. Somewhere along the way we watch a part of ourselves reconstruct and rebuild ourselves. Stronger, better than before. You may have broke me but you never will again. You may have loved me but you never will again. No man should every hurt the ones they love. No man should ever break the paths of broken people. What kind of man loves like this, is the kind of man that will always be broken.

You will not break me again.

9/15/2012