everything in it’s right place

One last look.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”, she said. As I slowly walked away from her desk. Life is all about last looks, this one was no exception.

I imagined myself doing different things with my life. Going on different adventures, then what was happening before me. I never imagined coming back home. I never thought that failing was an option. As I always do, I picked myself up and started over. Starting over by going home until I come back to this fucking city.  I am going home to regroup then come back to this town to be somebody. Anybody then the person I was before. Not the broken person I was when I came here.

Big cities don’t take to kindly to lonely hearts. Broken people don’t always find what they are looking for. But I will be the exception. The exception to the rule.

I walked away from her office and watched the room glitter with the sunlight. The same golden color. The same sparkle from the afternoon sun. What I would give to be outside  but instead, I am saying goodbye to everything that was familiar.

Life doesn’t prepare you for goodbyes. Life doesn’t prepare you for last looks and the words that haunt you after. Instead, you move forward and hope for the best. Praying, wishing, hoping, that all of this will be a distant memory. Just another story to add in the book of life.

It’s been six years since I have been back. Six years and I still feel like like a visitor in my hometown. This doesn’t feel like home but neither did that big city. Which is why I felt the need to burn my bridges and watch them crumble behind me.

Yet, those words haunt me.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

As I make another last look through the glistening rays of the sun behind me.

One day I will. Someday soon.

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Before they turn the lights out.

There’s always a moment where your life seems to change. You don’t believe it at first. Maybe after all the years of being in darkness, you finally get a glimpse of the light. Anything to break you from this broken feeling of yesterday. It happens in an instant and before you know it, something inside of you clicks. In a moment it changes. In that moment you don’t want to disappear you just want to draw yourself closer to the light. It sounds crazy but the moment you feel it, is the moment that your world opens up differently.

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There was always this part of me that wanted to believe this broken feeling would last forever. That I would use this feeling as a badge of honor, that I lived through the bullshit of prior relationships. People always said that one day it would be over and still I refused to believe it. When you’re ready, you will know it. You will feel it in your bones and the past will just be a memory. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to live in this bitterness and hopelessness. Just use every aspect of this hurt to shield away every part of myself. They say when you know, you’ll know. It’ll hit you when you least expect it. Hit you straight into your heart and flow through your blood stream. I knew it the moment you stepped into the room. It was at that moment that everything I felt from the past disappeared. In the moment that I saw you, I knew that everything was going to change. Even if it was just for a moment.

We don’t have forever
Ooh, baby daylight’s wasting

I didn’t have to know you, but for a moment I knew everything about you. In some cosmic soul racing against time, I knew everything. There are moments you want to capture in slow motion and I found myself doing just that. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t a crush, but it was something. If there was a way to explain it, I would formulate the words to describe that night. Sadly, I can’t. Just as easy as night falls the day light started coming up. We could have wished for more time, took more time to see things as we saw them. It would have ruined the moment. It would have taken apart every first to last look and time would have ran away faster. I couldn’t blame feelings on the drinks, I couldn’t blame how I felt on the bewitching lights of the city. For that moment I forgot what it was like to feel broken. Forgot who I had been before for a chance to change it all around for the night. All of my mistakes of yesterday vanished the moment I locked eyes with someone completely different from my past.

Emotions change over time. People we think we are in the night are different once the lights come back. As we hide our shells in the dark, turning the lights out only made it easier to hide ourselves. I’d be selfish to ask for something out of nothing. I’d be crazy to think that what I felt was love or anything like it. For the first time, I didn’t cry when songs came on. I didn’t remember the past scars and placements they held on my skin. It was in that one moment, I felt something change. All the bricks that had been thrown onto my heart, were finally coming down. Through the crowds of people, I finally saw someone as I wanted to see myself. In that brief moment, anything was possible. I’d be a fool to say that it would last forever. I knew it we were just moments away from the lights coming back on. Moments away from reality and our dreams turning to dust.

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I’d like to believe somewhere between the streets, that our souls are running through the sidewalks and in between the streets. That our souls found a way to be trapped in the night beneath the lights. Everything was darker and brighter with the street lights and the stars. Emotionally dimming in their own night settings. I’d give anything to return to that moment. Moments that seemed to last forever and trapped in a time and place. But as most things vanish, you did just the same. Just as the lights went out. Thats how life happens, bringing people to help you place the last fragments of your broken pieces into place. Its what you did and for that I could never feel anything more than I felt that night.

Before they turn the lights out.

9/6/2013