everything must go

9/2/2015 – Day Nineteen.

I am not here.

My things are here but I am far from here. Can you grow up in a course of a few weeks? Can you change your perception of things in the course of a few days? As I sit and look at everything in my room, I have never felt so detached from things. Its as if all these things were placed without my permission. Without my knowledge. I am seeing everything and wishing everything would disappear. I wonder why did I care so much for these material things, when I don’t need them. I look at these things collecting dust and filling up empty spaces with clutter, and wonder, why?

I want white walls and bare spaces.
I want a simpler way of looking at things.
I want to take everything I have and get rid of it all.

Take everything and give it all away. Nothing in this space feels like me anymore. Take every last piece of materialism and give it to someone else. It’s not welcome here.

I can’t hide forever. I can’t keep pretending that at any moment all these things will disappear. That someone will come and stake a claim on everything. Everyone deserves the world and to leave me with the scraps. I just don’t want anything anymore. Everything must go. As much as it pains me to unpack, I have to resume as everything is normal. That everything is okay. Even when it’s not in place.

The clothes back on the hangers, the socks in the drawers, and the toiletries back in their rightful place. But it still feels like I am gone. That I am going through the motions. I could state at the ceiling, wrap myself in blankets and wish it all away. We all know wishes don’t come true. As much as I close my eyes I have to wake up into this chaos. Separate what I want from what I need and hope with it comes bare spaces and white walls.

Simplify.

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Start it all over.

Drop everything, start it all over. 

Failure is not an option. However even on my best days, I can’t help but feel like one. All the choices I’ve made have their own repercussions. My mind goes a mile a minute, thinking, wondering, asking myself, if I have done the right thing. If what I am doing is where I really want to be. What is this existence of life that leaves me so unsatisfied.

Fear has a way of crippling you. Taking away your power to move on and move forward. Maybe this isn’t failing. Maybe this is my fear taking over my body and causing me to act strange. The longer I stay still, the longer I watch everything crowd around me. Surrounding myself by clutter, chaos, and clouded thoughts. I am sitting still watching every single thing pack up and leave from me. The scattered brain feeling of never ending chaos washes over me. This is the bottom. This is failing in every which way. This is the fear that can’t help but stake a claim in me. I am allowing this to happen. The more I hide under the covers, the more the sun seeks out to find me. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep pretending that I am okay, when everything around me is falling apart. This is what I wanted. I wanted this excuse to play into this part. Pretending I am fine and making believe this is what I really want. Crying isn’t going to solve anything. I can’t keep up with this juvenile facade of hating everything on site. We have to grow up sometime. We have to take advantage of the day and start fucking living.

Perhaps everything I need is nothing at all. What I need is to start over and reclaim this new life for myself. Start fresh, start new. Take everything and burn it to the ground. Every single material item I once thought to be important. Give every last inch of my former life away and start again. Begin as a different person, a clean slate. It’s with nothing that I can honestly feel something. Its after everything is gone that I can truly ever really move on. Material items have a way of holding you back. Making you believe that its with these things, that they will help you grow. Instead I am clouded with debt and sadness, this never ending madness that can’t keep me a float. I need a new beginning. I need a clean sale. I need nothing but something to keep this fear away. I need something to take me away from this nothing way of feeling. I watch the fear paralyze this new beginning. Changing course of all my needs and filling them with nonsense. I expected more from this existence then settling for mediocrity. But this is what I want. This is how I chose to live my life. Standing on the sidelines and watching everyone go by with their brand spanking new life.

But I know I can start again. Drop everything and start it all over. I just need to wake up from this mad way of thinking. Wake up from this chaos and work toward this new tomorrow. I can start today, I can start tomorrow. The point is finding a way to start. Maybe I am a failure in every possible way. But we all have to get up sometime and that time is today.

4/14/2014