failing

Start it all over.

Drop everything, start it all over. 

Failure is not an option. However even on my best days, I can’t help but feel like one. All the choices I’ve made have their own repercussions. My mind goes a mile a minute, thinking, wondering, asking myself, if I have done the right thing. If what I am doing is where I really want to be. What is this existence of life that leaves me so unsatisfied.

Fear has a way of crippling you. Taking away your power to move on and move forward. Maybe this isn’t failing. Maybe this is my fear taking over my body and causing me to act strange. The longer I stay still, the longer I watch everything crowd around me. Surrounding myself by clutter, chaos, and clouded thoughts. I am sitting still watching every single thing pack up and leave from me. The scattered brain feeling of never ending chaos washes over me. This is the bottom. This is failing in every which way. This is the fear that can’t help but stake a claim in me. I am allowing this to happen. The more I hide under the covers, the more the sun seeks out to find me. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep pretending that I am okay, when everything around me is falling apart. This is what I wanted. I wanted this excuse to play into this part. Pretending I am fine and making believe this is what I really want. Crying isn’t going to solve anything. I can’t keep up with this juvenile facade of hating everything on site. We have to grow up sometime. We have to take advantage of the day and start fucking living.

Perhaps everything I need is nothing at all. What I need is to start over and reclaim this new life for myself. Start fresh, start new. Take everything and burn it to the ground. Every single material item I once thought to be important. Give every last inch of my former life away and start again. Begin as a different person, a clean slate. It’s with nothing that I can honestly feel something. Its after everything is gone that I can truly ever really move on. Material items have a way of holding you back. Making you believe that its with these things, that they will help you grow. Instead I am clouded with debt and sadness, this never ending madness that can’t keep me a float. I need a new beginning. I need a clean sale. I need nothing but something to keep this fear away. I need something to take me away from this nothing way of feeling. I watch the fear paralyze this new beginning. Changing course of all my needs and filling them with nonsense. I expected more from this existence then settling for mediocrity. But this is what I want. This is how I chose to live my life. Standing on the sidelines and watching everyone go by with their brand spanking new life.

But I know I can start again. Drop everything and start it all over. I just need to wake up from this mad way of thinking. Wake up from this chaos and work toward this new tomorrow. I can start today, I can start tomorrow. The point is finding a way to start. Maybe I am a failure in every possible way. But we all have to get up sometime and that time is today.

4/14/2014

Let’s take this back to the start.

We all have to crawl before we can walk again.

I get it.

Most people consider relapsing failing. I just consider it a tiny little hiccup in the recovery. The recovery is just as hard as the rehab. Its putting ourselves in real life situations and seeing how well we transition in public. I will admit it’s hard. When everyone else is going a mile a minute, you’re trying desperately to catch up.

This is my white flag.

I surrender. Surrender to the past, the present and even the future. Surrender in knowing that while my past does not define me, it doesn’t help with trying to understand my present.

I have to admit failure in my actions to come to terms with my reactions. As much as I can say I am okay, I don’t necessarily feel okay. I have a hard time understanding that my present is no longer associated with my past. Things that have haunted my dreams can not shake my reality. There are times we are tested in our present that make us believe the past is coming back to haunt us. It’s not. It’s just showing us how far we have come from the people we used to be. Yet no matter how many times we tell ourselves that, we react differently.

I have such an anxiety for the present that it makes me think of the past. That at any given moment everything will change and all that I have worked for will disappear. Instead of being strong, I find myself going back to my old ways. To curb the hunger of anxiety I eat, to calm the shakes of my paranoia I spend. Just something to take the edge off and help me calm down my fears. Its only when I’m a few pounds heavier and my bank account is drained that I realize I have failed. I have failed my present with the problems of my past. Its no ones fault. As much as I want to blame outside forces, I can’t. I just have a problem with overcoming my obstacles because I’m so used to failure.

Why is it so easy to invest our time in failing?

Why are we so forgiving to failing and so fearful of succeeding?

Failing is whats excepted. Failing is what comes naturally. Now its just the expectation that happens. You put so much energy for things to go bad, you surprise yourself when it runs smoothly. It’s being unhappy, going back to old habits and trying to make sense of it all. You can’t help but sabotage your new journeys with the problems of your past. You think that just giving in a little isn’t going to matter in the long run. Then you wake up and are left with the regret. You tell yourself you couldn’t help yourself. when in reality you knew better. You always know better. You know fully well what’s going on but still you expect it. You wait for it. This negative being of failure that follows you around like a black fucking cloud.

I am sick of it.

Done.

You can’t expect a change when you do everything in your power to keep it from happening. You can only blame yourself for your own unhappiness. Again you start over and just like before go with the hopefulness that everything will be better. Tomorrow is just another day to change it all around. Failure is not a word in your vocabulary when you’re starting over. It’s just the fire that ignites the will to keep going when you’ve lost it all.

One more step.

Back to the start. Rewind. Eventually everything in it’s right place.