failures

Let’s take this back to the start.

We all have to crawl before we can walk again.

I get it.

Most people consider relapsing failing. I just consider it a tiny little hiccup in the recovery. The recovery is just as hard as the rehab. Its putting ourselves in real life situations and seeing how well we transition in public. I will admit it’s hard. When everyone else is going a mile a minute, you’re trying desperately to catch up.

This is my white flag.

I surrender. Surrender to the past, the present and even the future. Surrender in knowing that while my past does not define me, it doesn’t help with trying to understand my present.

I have to admit failure in my actions to come to terms with my reactions. As much as I can say I am okay, I don’t necessarily feel okay. I have a hard time understanding that my present is no longer associated with my past. Things that have haunted my dreams can not shake my reality. There are times we are tested in our present that make us believe the past is coming back to haunt us. It’s not. It’s just showing us how far we have come from the people we used to be. Yet no matter how many times we tell ourselves that, we react differently.

I have such an anxiety for the present that it makes me think of the past. That at any given moment everything will change and all that I have worked for will disappear. Instead of being strong, I find myself going back to my old ways. To curb the hunger of anxiety I eat, to calm the shakes of my paranoia I spend. Just something to take the edge off and help me calm down my fears. Its only when I’m a few pounds heavier and my bank account is drained that I realize I have failed. I have failed my present with the problems of my past. Its no ones fault. As much as I want to blame outside forces, I can’t. I just have a problem with overcoming my obstacles because I’m so used to failure.

Why is it so easy to invest our time in failing?

Why are we so forgiving to failing and so fearful of succeeding?

Failing is whats excepted. Failing is what comes naturally. Now its just the expectation that happens. You put so much energy for things to go bad, you surprise yourself when it runs smoothly. It’s being unhappy, going back to old habits and trying to make sense of it all. You can’t help but sabotage your new journeys with the problems of your past. You think that just giving in a little isn’t going to matter in the long run. Then you wake up and are left with the regret. You tell yourself you couldn’t help yourself. when in reality you knew better. You always know better. You know fully well what’s going on but still you expect it. You wait for it. This negative being of failure that follows you around like a black fucking cloud.

I am sick of it.

Done.

You can’t expect a change when you do everything in your power to keep it from happening. You can only blame yourself for your own unhappiness. Again you start over and just like before go with the hopefulness that everything will be better. Tomorrow is just another day to change it all around. Failure is not a word in your vocabulary when you’re starting over. It’s just the fire that ignites the will to keep going when you’ve lost it all.

One more step.

Back to the start. Rewind. Eventually everything in it’s right place.

 

 

 

Honesty.

honesty

For most of my adult life I had never been truly honest about the past. It’s the past that always comes back to haunt you and manifests itself into demons you can’t hide. When I came back from Mexico I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My failures of the past were manifesting themselves into failures of my present. From the countless failed friendships, relationships, and even failed attempts of careers, I realized the one thing that was holding my life back was the need to be honest. I have absolutely no problem telling anyone how it is or how I feel, but when it comes to the things of my past, I couldn’t do it. In this experiment I wanted to show myself that the debt in my life is an effort to keep the demons at bay. Suppressing them just enough to keep satisfied until I had another meltdown. Another failure and I would continue my downward spiral of over spending, over indulging and of course beating myself up about it.

The purpose of this blog is to talk about my struggles, my passions, and my failures, which has caused me to seek comfort in spending. In no way am I trying to publicly bash the things that have happened in my life. Life is about being honest with yourself and learning countless lessons, Life isn’t made to be easy. I’ve fallen on hard times, I’ve hit rock bottom and as I’ve always said I have gotten myself back up again. I know what it’s like to lose everything, and I know what it’s like to have everything. These are my struggles, these are my stories, as exaggerated as they may read they truly did happen. I’ve sugar coated so much of my life that people have a hard time believing these things have actually happened.  You just get to the point in your life where you’re so emotionally exhausted. That’s what I am. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted with hiding how I feel about the past that the only way I can truly heal is talking about it. To the people that I have written about I am in no way, shape or form, publically bashing you. If anything I am just truly showing you what it felt like to walk in my shoes. A small glimpse of the lifetime of mistreatment, I felt being associated with the same caliber people.

People will never truly understand you, until they have walked a mile in your shoes. In some way I am showing you word for word how I’ve felt all those years. The years I continued to accept apologies and continued to be mistreated, bad mouthed, and hurt by the same people. For once people will understand why I am the way that I am. Where I no longer have the heart for juvenile bullshit.  I’ve reached that point in my life where I no longer expect apologizes. Honestly I don’t even have the energy anymore to fight. I hope that in reading my stories, people would find the compassion to not make the same mistakes from the past. Grow from the bullshit and learn from it. That’s exactly what I intend to do. This is my attempts of growing with love and finding the happiness I know that I truly deserve. I can’t keep holding on, protecting and rewarding the bad behavior of others. I can’t keep hiding in the shadows waiting for it to be okay to talk about my feelings. This is how I feel, this is how it went, and honestly people should be afraid of what I’m going to do next.

With that stated I will hope that if anything people will truly understand where I am coming from. That my exposed vulnerabilities will finally bring out all the dark and truly bring forth the light.