“friendship”

Me without You.

There’s no me without you.

I thought about you today for the first time in years. Distance doesn’t make up the years. Silence doesn’t forgive the tears. Still I thought about you for the first time in years. Endings are never sweet and I still feel something missing. Some things were left unsaid in the mess of here and there. All I want to do is reach out  and talk to you. Say everything I’ve always wanted to say. Even when I am hurting, I still want you around. Because you understood me better than I ever understood myself.

For the first time in years, I thought about the past. Thought about us and the memories that rang louder than any sound. When you miss someone, you imagine them trapped in a time where everything was beautiful. Even the years don’t make up for everything that came after. If things had been different, would it have mattered anyway? Here and now, everything in-between. Days have been passing, everything has been changing and I still wonder about you. Remembering you is looking back to the past, when I should be looking forward toward the future. Some days I still want you around, and I can’t help but think of all the mistakes that sunk this ship.

Everything happens for a reason. Even memories pinpoint the moments where everything went wrong. I can’t lie when I say I don’t miss you. I miss believing that at one point there was no me without you, but even people change. Every day we are growing farther and farther away from the past. What held us together for so long, eventually broke us apart. I am afraid of what comes after. Afraid of losing the thread that held these memories together. But I need this happen. To let you go and the memories that come with you. We can’t hurt, what we don’t see anymore. We can’t believe in people, if they no longer exist to us. The memories are all we have left that connect us to each other. Even memories lie and I can’t lie any longer.

There was no me without you. Slowly I am learning that without you, I can just be me. It hurts to miss you and even on the darkest days, I still want you around. I had to grow up to live without you. I had to grow up to see what I could be without you. I had to disappear to show that I could be me without you. Even on the darkest days, I still want you around but I don’t need you. I need the memories to keep me together, but as days go on, I don’t need you. In the end I only needed myself to get out of this pain, I needed to find myself and grow up from this. I do miss you but I missed who I was before you. Now I can finally be who I want to be.

There was no me without you. Now I know I can be just fine.

2/19/2014

 

I know, yeah you too.

op·por·tun·ist:
a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans.

Opportunists come in all shapes and sizes. They wear their masks better than the rest of the fakes and phonies. Flocking to you like a moth to a light. They can’t help but want everything you got. Use you, abuse you, then hang you out to dry. Always needing something from everybody, always there for the taking. Where do we find these people? Actually, Stop. We don’t find these people, they find us. They stalk their prey from the darkest depths of our vulnerable souls and take everything they can from us.  Take everything that you need, obviously you need it more than we do.

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I must have SUCKER on my forehead because I seem to fall for everything. I am standing in a new generation of opportunists. Standing in a crowd of people who use me and I can’t help but watch them do so. Watch them use me, use my family, take my money, and then go on to the next series of people. Watch their armies of acquaintances defend their honor. It’s cool, I thought we were friends too. It’s amazing what you believe, when someone is taking everything out from under you. After they’re done with you, it’s back to the shelf of used toys until they need you again. Maybe in a day, a week, or a month, they’ll come back. They always come back.

Living in an age of carbon copies and no one wants to be original. Let me leave everyone the blue prints of my life, so they can copy my entire existence. A copy will always be a copy. No matter how you change the appearance of the opportunity. Opportunists want what they can turn around and make their own. Using all of everyones resources to make the best representation of themselves. One of these days, the little opportunist that cried wolf, will not be saved. Next time people need something from me, call on all the other people that they have on their rotation of using. I sure as hell don’t need people like that in my life. When you can count how many times you need people and you can’t help yourself, maybe it’s time for a life change.

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If I stop feeding the opportunists, maybe they’ll finally stop leeching off of my life. Stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong. I am tired of helping people that couldn’t give a shit about my well being. Who don’t take the time to see whats up in my life. You only need me when y’all want something. I am done. If you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve done found you out. After you have everything you want from me, when do I get to use you?

It doesn’t matter what I say anyway. Opportunists are just gonna jump from me to you. A never ending cycle of using to get used. I hope it’s worth it.

Call me when you need me.

2/28/2015

 

 

 

 

 

 

Broken.

This post has actually been a little hard to write into words. I’ve actually deleted, rewrote, deleted, and tried to wrap my head around everything. For a long time I felt broken, that no matter what I did nothing would take away that feeling. It was always about rearranging the pieces instead of putting them back together. Instead of finding ways to make myself better, I ended up just making things worse. When you’re broken you will do just about anything to make yourself whole. Even if it takes everything you have to make that emptiness you feel inside disappear. Without realizing it, I was attracting all the darkness because I believed that’s what I deserved. When you’ve reached rock bottom the only thing left to do is to wallow in the shadows until you’re strong enough to overcome it.

Being heartbroken is worse than any loneliness. I think that’s why so many of us stay in some fucked up relationships. Being sad and unhappy in a relationship is far better than ever being lonely. At least then you have a reason to be unhappy. When you’re alone, you’re left with your own failures. I never believed that would happen to me. The hopeless romantic that cried at the end of every love song, that believed that at the end of the day love will overcome everything. It’s weird to look back at the past and think “How could I have been so stupid”. That’s what I was. I was stupid, hopeless, and a complete fool for love. I believed that being unhappy would eventually lead to happiness. That for every dollar I spent, for every shopping bag full of stuff that I would feel better. Instead I felt more alone and miserable. In the mist of my own self absorbed sadness, he found me and I believed it would all disappear. It’s funny how people have a way of changing something inside of you. He didn’t make me feel better, he only made things worse.

Its weird how you can always remember the worst of people. After 5 years, I stopped remembering if he was ever a good person to begin with. 5 years ago he was my absolute world. I found everything about him just absolutely fascinating.  It was his manner of viewing the world and how he presented himself to everyone that made me believe for a long time that I loved him. The moment you make someone the center of your universe is the same moment they absolutely let you down. Just as the many people before him, he didn’t care about me. To him I was just someone that filled the void until something better came along, and for 5 years I allowed him to treat me that way. I allowed his own insecure nature manifest its vileness into my well being. Because of my lack of judgment and inability to see what was happening, I allowed him to treat me in the most horrible way. For years I allowed him to break my spirit all for the sake of believing that was love. For every time he cut me down, I hurt myself. For every time he told me I was worthless, I believed him. I believed him until my arms were raw and my stomach bled from the countless times I threw up my food to make myself what he wanted me to be. To him I was nothing, and to me he was everything. When you’re broken you want to believe that people want the absolute best for you. For the longest time I believed that’s what he wanted.

There were so many aspects of that “relationship” that were bad. So many things I hid from the world because no one would believe me. I was already an emotional person that even if I mentioned how bad it got people wouldn’t believe me. He had a way to switch on/off his flaws, I couldn’t do that. There were moments that would get so bad I honestly wished he would hit me. If he hit me it would mean that he truly hated me and it wouldn’t just be words that I kept inside. He never did but that never stopped his crusade of a venomous character. For every joke he told people, I lived with the consequences. I was never good enough, I was always too fat, too ugly, and I was a dead weight that was too large to carry in his lifetime. He never cared about how the words would affect me. He only cared about how much I would invest in what we were doing and how much he was gaining from it. As soon as his demands were met, only then could we honestly be together. I was a fool to believe him, but believing that being in a relationship would make the pain go away I did everything he said. I paid for every outing, paid for ever dinner, and took care of everything. In the course of those 5 years of an off and on friendship the only thing he ever gave me was a small soda and enough psychological damage to last a lifetime. For years I dealt with the consequences of that “relationship”. The countless of my friends that still remain friends with him, the times he contacted me when ever he felt broken, and yet I allowed it. I allowed this cycle of complete destruction stay because I deserved it. It was my insecurities that were driving a wedge between our friendship. It was all my unhappiness undoing our friendship and he was just trying to make everything better.

I believed that.

5 years was my expiration date. The first year I blamed myself. I thought without him I would die. That everything he said was right and because of that I blamed myself for everything. The second year I believed he would come back. By the third year I was finally coming to terms that I drove him away because he made no mistaken that it was everything I did that was wrong. By the fourth year, I was done. The fourth year was finally letting go of being broken. Finally realizing that I needed to let go of everyone and anyone that made me hurt. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from all my self destructive nature. I wanted nothing more but to finally feel free, to finally feel something instead of the complete emptiness I felt inside. For the first time I was able to hold my meals down without worrying about if people knew what I was doing. I was able to finally let the wounds heal and scar naturally. When you finally let go of all the wrong people, you finally allow yourself to heal properly.  Now at the fifth year I can breathe. I still have a lot of my insecurities but for the first time I don’t feel broken. I lost so much of myself searching for his level of perfection, I lost sight of who I was. When I finally let him go, I finally allowed all my broken pieces come back together.

You’re wondering what this has to do with my problems with debts. This had everything to do with it. I was so completely heartbroken that I found myself running from one problem to another. For every pound I lost I spent more money. For every time I didn’t want people to know about my well being, I invited people out and paid for everything. If I drew the attention away from what was really hurting, I wouldn’t have people worry about me. Because of my self destructive nature, I invited a variety of vile people into my life. I was ashamed to say I needed help and I was scared of people finding out what truly was happening. It was easy to pretend that behind every fabulous coat hid a tragic story. That every article of clothing I wore was a battle I was overcoming. I was hurting emotionally and physically and the only way to hide how I felt was buying everything. For every year he came in and out of my life, I found some way to try to make him stay. Every time he left, the cycle of self destruction would happen all over again. I couldn’t help the pain I was feeling so I had to find ways to deal with the sadness and failure of my life. I didn’t care how much it cost me, I just wanted a cheap fix for all my situations. I was wrong. I was wrong for so many reasons.

Our ending was the start of my new beginning. For the first time in years I stopped crying because he wasn’t in my life. While it’s taken everything I have to finally come to terms with what happened, I no longer break because of it. No amount of money I spend will ever bring anyone back. All of the sparkly things I buy is not going to make anyone stay. I know that now. If I could be honest about anything, is finally being honest with what happened. What we had wasn’t love. I was just so tired of being lonely that my desperation for love found the wrong person. For the risk of failing as I had with countless things in my life, I tried to make everything work even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness. To him he never saw my attempts as kindness, to him my kindness was my weakness that he used to his full advantage. I allowed him to do that. I allowed him to dictate my life the moment he said he only wanted what was best for me. I know better now, I know that people that vile will never hurt me again. As much as it all hurt, as many tears that I cried I know he was not the one for me. It’s funny how things change us. I am not the same person I was a year ago, let alone 5 years ago and I’m okay with that. Everything that once broke my heart doesn’t hold the same meaning as it once did. Its when you’ve lost everything that you finally regain the strength back in the light. I’ve stopped hurting, I’ve stopped blaming myself and best of all I can finally be honest with everything in my past to finally be free.

Through it all, I can live with that.

 

 

 

 

 

What-The-Hell.com

When I graduated high school my life changed. I think when you graduate high school you start the course of your growing up phases. At 17, I wasn’t ready to grow up just yet. I wasn’t ready for the reality that was the real world and any chance to escape to Neverland I would take. I was burnt out on the need to constantly be responsible. After going to school for what seemed like an eternity, I started to sabotage the very notion of stability. While my peers were starting their stages of growing up with going to school, starting new relationships, etc, I was plotting my way out. I wasn’t ready to give in to settling down, I wasn’t ready to take the easy way out.

The summer of 2000, I spent exploring life. I wanted to live, I wanted to experience, I wanted to spend a shit load of money. Of course after graduating from high school, my money making options expanded to Nannying part-time and taking a hostess job with a housing community my mom worked for. Needless to say I started making a good chunk of money. The summer I spent exploring, going to shows (concerts) and hanging out with two of my friends (a friend from high school and her friend), made for some memorable experiences. Honestly the summer was a great time for endless possibilities. Before summer’s end I had saved up a good amount of money and started dating a guy I sort of had feelings for. I should have been happy with how my summer was progressing but as soon as summer ended I wanted out. I started feeling suffocated in my life; I felt I was settling for everyone else’s dreams and needed a way out. It wasn’t that I was unhappy with my life, I was just unhappy with the way things were going. I was following the footsteps of so many of my peers that I knew I deserved better. I didn’t want to end up on the misguided end of being unhappy 20 years from now. I wanted adventure, mystery, I wanted a start to a thousand stories.

After this photo was taken my life changed. 18 without a purpose or direction.

After this photo was taken my life changed. 18 without a purpose or direction.

Right around the start of the fall of 2000, I started going to shows with my two friends (I will dub them for the sake of this story “Thing 1” and “Thing 2”). After being so sheltered most of my high school years, it felt great to sort of experience my teenage years. I started listening to a wide range of music, going to shows, and soon stopped feeling the need to conform to anyone else’s expectations. Soon after I was going to my first series of shows, I broke up with my boyfriend. I knew dating him would mean I would have to make a choice down the line of relationship or traveling the world. Needless to say I was already feeling suffocated with my life so I choose to travel the world. Honestly I was in the relationship because that’s what my peers had done. Since I didn’t want to be anything like my peers I started my stages of what I believed a new life entailed. While going to shows with my friends was fun, the reality of life was happening. From my part-time Nannying jobs, my hostess gig, I started working part-time in my Mom’s office. I was working 3 jobs, going to school fulltime and honestly was already burned out before I even had a chance to truly experience my life. At 18, I was ready to retire. I was working 3 jobs and going to school full time. The only time I had for myself was one night a week. This wasn’t how I expected my life to turn. Any way I could I started sabotaging school, sabotaging any chance of settling down. My parents blamed my friends for being bad influences but the reality was I was doing this myself. Right around the time that I got on academic probation, I knew that was the end of my academic career and the start of my life.  While still working the 3 jobs, I had the luxury of making money to pay for my travels, expenses, countless shows etc. I wasn’t thinking about a future, I was thinking about the “right now”. Since I was feeling the stress of a million people, I realized I had developed a dependency of food. While I had been heavy a majority of my adolescence, after high school I had ballooned up to 250 pounds. Emotional eating was my way of coping with how I was feeling. Coping with how many times I got a lecture about my life, coping with how many times I felt alone, and coping with how many times I felt rejected by people. While I was enjoying the living for the moment, I realized I was embarking on a series of emotional problems. From over eating to over spending, I found myself of opening demons into my self destructive phase.
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Emotional eating and emotional spending are two of a kind. While I was suppressing my demons by eating, I was rewarding my sadness with never ending spending. Spending $100 dollars at the Benefit Cosmetics counter, or spending $900 dollars in less than an hour at the mall, my possibilities were endless. I didn’t put into account the countless times I bought my friends gifts just because. Both were driven by emotion, this need to feel this void of unhappiness I was feeling. When you reach a point in your life where you’re truly unhappy, you start to believe there is no one you can talk to. I had alienated myself from so many of my friends and family members, I honestly believed I had nobody. I started keeping everything I was feeling inside which lead me to find destructive ways to deal with my emotions.  When the food digested, and the spending lost it’s novelty, I found myself just finding way to hurt myself. I started a cycle of self mutilation to keep from screaming. Cutting was my way of dealing everything. The spending, the hurt, the internal screaming, and my constant need for acceptance. I told no one about it. After being told by Thing 2 “Everyone has problems, one day I won’t be there to listen to your problems“, I stopped talking about my problems. My problems stayed internal for years, the more you bottle up how you feel the more you realize one day you’re going to pop. I was a ticking time bomb, I knew that. The only thing that was keeping me a float was eating my feelings, spending money, cutting and listening to great music.

Just a small handful the shows I went to. Memories of the past.

Just a small handful the shows I went to. Memories of the past.

To be brutally honest while I was parading around about how awesome my life was, I was miserable. I was going absolutely no where and while my demons haunted me I found myself eating more and spending far beyond my means.

The breakdown of an average show from 2000-2003:

Tickets: $25
Gas: $25
Bridge Toll: $3
Parking: $10
Merch: $40
Drinks/Food: $40
Total: $143 a week.
Monthly: $429

Where my money went in 2000-2003:

Tickets: $3,600
Food: $4,320
Merch: $1,440
Total for 1 year: $9,360

Money I made working 3 jobs a year:

Nannying: $7,200
Hostess: $4,800
Clerical: $4,800
Total for the year: $16,800

We started going to just 1 show a month, which escalated to 3 shows a week. Daily Average was $143, when Thing 1 and myself didn’t have licenses we would rely on someone to take us and pay their ticket/gas/food/parking etc. Those expenses doubled and seeing that these were mostly my friends that would take us to a show, I would spend $286 a show night. Honestly now that I look at, I spent far more then my share. I never looked into it because as I had stated multiple times I was having the best time with my best friends. Even when at my lowest moments of my life you start to realize who your real friends are. Thing 1 and Thing 2 while they were my friends would always do some severely shady things. I refused to see what was in front of me and believed them when they told lies. First it would be going to shows without me, lie about where they were, lied to mutual friends, or better yet my favorite, use things I told them in confidence to make me the villain. They would put the blame on each other then would make it out like I was the crazy one. Since I was more emotional, the one that came from the strict upbringing, etc. It wasn’t until I found out they had gone out with a guy I had a crush on without telling me, that I realized “you know maybe these people really aren’t my friends”.  No matter how many times I tried to confront them, I would be met with more lies and more paranoia that it was all in my head. For every fight I had with my friends, we would make up and become the 3 musketeers all over again. It would last for a few weeks, then Thing 1 and Thing 2 would be back to being “twins” as they effortlessly called themselves.  They were my best friends right? Who else could you talk to except your best friends?  I couldn’t talk to my parents since they already felt they were a bad influence, so  I escaped to more over eating, more spending, and more self mutilating. As much as I wanted to blame them for my problems, I couldn’t. I was the one making myself miserable. I was the one that wanted to believe lie after lie of being okay. I was the one hiding how I felt from the world. As much as I wanted to tell everyone to FUCK OFF and start all over again, I couldn’t. Instead I escaped to a world of sadness, loneliness and denial.

For every time I felt sad, I cut myself. For every time I wanted to hide the demons I felt, I ate. For every time I wanted acceptance from my friends, I would buy things in the hopes that buying things would make a dent in their armor. I wanted this acceptance from Thing 1 and Thing 2 because they were all I had left. My parents didn’t know what to do with me, I wasn’t going to school, I wasn’t doing well at work, I just stopped caring. The constant fighting at home didn’t compare to the way I felt around my friends. When I started getting panic attacks hanging out with my friends I realized I was coming across a huge problem. Before the music was my escape, staying 3 hours in a show took all the pain away. Travelling 300 miles from home, mostly on my own dime took all the pain of sadness away. Then you start noticing that your so called best friends are leaving you out of things. Not including you on anything. You start hating yourself thinking it’s something you did wrong. Maybe if I wasn’t so fat. Maybe if I wasn’t so self conscious. Maybe if I wasn’t who I was, people would actually like me. When you’re at your lowest points you realize you surround yourself with not very great people. On top of feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, I found myself being used by the very people I considered my best friends. Sure I had a great time with Thing 1 and Thing 2 but the reality of our friendship wasn’t friendship. We used each other because while everyone else was living in the real world, we weren’t. We lived in a fantasyland of 3 hours of real friendship in a show and constantly judging and belittling each other out of a show. While Thing 1 and Thing 2 stated how we were the 3 musketeers, their selfish shallow needs would go far beyond our friendship. It took years to understand that. Realizing that for every time I felt that we were all friends, it was really just Thing 1 and Thing 2 being the best of friends and me paying off the expenses. It wasn’t that they didn’t have any money, they worked and as Thing 2 told me countless times “Thing 1 had an adult job, not a job someone got for her”. Yet I was the one paying more for our friendship. I was financing a friendship with people who never were my friends to begin with.

For working 3 jobs, I was making a decent amount of money. How ever much I was making, I wasn’t saving any of it. While some of my peers were saving to move out of their surroundings, I was stuck. I was all talk and no follow through. For every check I spent, someone else benefited from my hard work. Whether it be a dinner here, a new eyeshadow there, I wasn’t seeing any of my money anymore. It wasn’t until I completely financed two tours and overdrafted my account over $300 dollars each time that I realized that I was over spending my hard earned money. The countless lectures about my spending, the countless lectures asking how much of my friends accounts were overdrafted, I didn’t listen. Instead I saw it as a personal attack toward me. I failed in my social experiment with living in the now. On top of feeling like a failure, I was overweight and broken. I couldn’t tell you the countless nights I spent crying just feeling that everything I was doing was wrong. My friends abandoned me, my parents didn’t understand, my skin hurt and I was broken. It took a long time for the cuts to heal to finally get to the point of feeling okay. Just sometimes the past comes back to haunt you in the most unusual way. You end up meeting people that hurt you the same way and you start the cycle of self destruct all over again. It’s up to you to realize when enough is enough, and when you reach that point in your life is when you truly feel free.

Now that time has passed, I finally have time to actually heal and process that time period. I am not the person I was 13 years ago. I’m not even the same person I was a year ago. You live, you learn and you eventually move on. It’s funny to think of it that way. I did have a great time traveling the world seeing some of my favorite bands. While I wouldn’t have given up any of those moments for the world, I would have been more vocal about how I felt. I would have saved more then what I had spent. I wouldn’t have allowed people to make me feel worse than how I already felt. I wouldn’t have felt the need to buy friendships. Thing 1 and Thing 2 weren’t the enemy, I know that now. The only enemy I had was living inside of me and making me into a monster. No one deserves to feel the way that I felt in that time period. While I now know how to deal with my emotional feelings, I just wished I had gotten to this point sooner than now. While I have gotten a lot of my emotional self destructiveness behind me, I know now I am better than my past. I’m no longer friends with Thing 1 and Thing 2. While they were never good friends, I just hope that at the end of the day they can at least be good friends to someone even if it is to each other.

At the end of the day, I guess this is growing up.