growing

Keep on your mean side.

The older I become, the more I realize I don’t owe anyone any explanation. Its not that I want to be secretive, its that I choose to keep a part of myself private. It’s my own personal choice to pick and choose what I want people to know. If I want to share a piece of myself, its on my own terms and good graces. I shouldn’t have to explain myself and my actions. I shouldn’t have to apologize for things that are beyond my control. I shouldn’t have to pretend to be okay with things that I was never okay with to begin with. If we are all openly honest with ourselves, why do we become so secretive in the first place? I have spent a lifetime of making excuses and making apologizes, that now everything feels empty to me.

This is in no way shape or form to get on anyone’s bad side. I am not doing this on purpose or to make anyone upset. If I have to be completely honest, I don’t owe anyone any explanation.  I really don’t. If I don’t want to share my life, I have my own reasons. I know what I want to share with people and why. I don’t have any obligation to open myself up to people, if I don’t want to. I don’t mean to be rude, I don’t mean to be difficult, its just how I am. Its my own personal preference to pick and choose what I want to tell people. How I want to express myself. Its not that I am secretive, in all honesty its no one’s business but my own. What I do share does not give people an open invite to dictate what I do or judge who I am. I run my life, you do not. You are not entitled to know about my life and my whereabouts without my permission. You can make all the assumptions all you fit pleasing, but reality is you never knew me at all. We live in a world where our every whereabout is spilled out in public social forms for all to see. For everyone to comment and generate their own opinions as they see fit. It’s nobodies business but my own, why I do the things I do. It’s not in my nature to answer to anyone, or say what I am doing. I don’t have to. This is my life and I live it as I damn well please.

If I want to go on adventures every weekend, I will. If I want to move to another state without telling a single soul, I will. If I want to plan a vacation a month, I will. The only person I have to answer to is myself.

If it makes you feel better, I could make up a thousand excuses. Tell you everything you want to hear. Make everything up just to make you feel better. Even the people who know me best are people that are surprised to find something new about myself. I am not guarding myself from hurt. I am not keeping secrets from anyone. I just want to keep a piece of myself for myself without the attention of others. I am so tired of having to discuss my whereabouts to anyone. I am so tired of having to discuss why I do the things I do. My life is not some public spectacle to generate the most “likes” on the internet. I could care less about your public opinions of me and my welfare. How much money I spend, how much money I make, why I do the things I do, is my business and my business alone. Yes it is nice to do these things. Yes, I am very lucky. It’s nobodies business but my own.

If I don’t feel like sharing with the class, I won’t. If I don’t feel like telling anyone how I feel, I won’t.

None of this gives anyone a reason to think they know me best. You don’t know me, even if you think I do. If I don’t choose to share things with people doesn’t mean I haven’t been through things. Doesn’t mean that I haven’t had my own struggles and my own personal breakdowns. If I don’t share my problems on the internet doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I just choose to deal with them on my own, the best way I can. When I am ready to tell the world how I feel, I will. When I am ready to be open, I will. Until that moment, I will keep to myself and keep our of your way.

If it keeps on your mean side so be it. I am only allowed to make myself happy, not you.

 

 

 

Seventeen.

I was too young to understand what it means
I couldn’t wait til I could be seventeen

I don’t want to grow up.

I find myself rushing the natural order of things. I want the respect, the prestige, but I don’t want everything else that comes after. How can I be told what to do, but not understand all the reasons? When we’re young, we are in a rush to get older. Every thing is better once we hit a certain age. Life happens when you get older. Life comes together when you reach a certain age. Everything makes sense and nothing ever hurts. Reaching all those certain milestones in our lives. We rush to grow up, rush to get older. We want to experience every single thing we are missing. Because life out there is happening and we are missing it! Grow up to get older to tell these amazing stories about our lives. I couldn’t wait. I wanted everything and then nothing to happen all at once. The fear of new experiences and the reality of expectations. It didn’t matter what age you were, you were never quite a grown up. It didn’t matter how much you felt you were living, you still weren’t there yet.

I thought he lied when he said take my time to breathe

I wanted to bypass everything. Fast forward through the school years, jump forward to the years where I felt like something was actually happening. Away from this stuck feeling. Away from these four walls that no matter how many pictures are put up, they’re only there to be torn down. All the boys that I thought I would never forget and now I can’t even remember what their faces looked like. To my friends that said we’d be friends forever, now a days we don’t even talk anymore. All those things I thought I didn’t love, now I just want back in my life. I didn’t know that what I wanted then, would turn out differently in the end. What I thought I wanted changed through the years, to make me something I would have hated when I was younger. I crossed these bridges to burn them down, only to slowly patch them back up again. Only to rebuild the bridges brick by brick. I wish I knew then, what I know now. I wish that I could go back and start this all over again.

At Seventeen, I thought I had it all figured out. At any minute life would change before my very eyes, and I would be someone completely different.  I didn’t know all of this was the beginning. How silly and foolish to believe I could rush these memories. Rush these experiences, when now I am just playing catch up and make up. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I thought I had everything I always wanted. Now I cherish every memory like a photograph sitting in a frame. Now I have to make amends that you can start over at any age, but you’ll never go back to being seventeen again.

And sometimes I miss it.

Now I wish I could freeze the time at seventeen