haunted

Flashing Lights.

If something hurts you enough, you pretend it doesn’t exist. The less power you put on something, the more power you want to forget it. I can’t say I miss the past with it’s nostalgic cloud that hangs over me. I can’t say I miss you, without feeling like a fucking hypocrite. I love how memories form in between the liner notes. How melody haunts a montage of memories harbored deep inside of your soul. How people have a way of coming into your life, without physically being there anymore.

I should have said goodbye a long time ago. I should have written this elaborate “dear john” letter the moment things changed. The moment I couldn’t hear songs the same way. The moment I felt I couldn’t be myself anymore. I felt ruined, that a part of me stopped believing in the cliche kitschy things of yesterday. I lost, you won, and everything else that follows, but all of that is old news. This cloud of fog that follows. Opening up a series of smokey destinations, I didn’t know I wanted to exist anymore. Old distant news with headlines of the past.

Smoke and mirrors, and shooting stars. Waiting, wanting, and longing for things that never had a place with me to begin with. Even after all this time, I can’t help but wonder what was the biggest illusion. What was your biggest performance. This belief of being greater and better then the rulers of the past. The lights flash, the lights dim, and I can’t help but still wonder. Even stars fall, even lights dim, eventually the darkest nights make way for the brightest mornings. The further you fall, the closest to the ground you become. All I could ever want is to see you crash and burn, just like the rest of them. Maybe you need to hit rock bottom to see how it feels on the other side.

I would never wish bad things upon you, but I could never wish you well. Seeing the last of our memories behind the glass, in photographs and songs, I just can’t help myself. I was never the good, I was never the light, but I could be the darkness in all it’s glory. I hate myself for believing in all the wrong things. Believing in sinners dressed up as saints in their perfectly tailored suits. Watching the fog clear, watching the smoke disappear and everything has changed. Songs have a different meaning, once you can listen to them again. Melody fills the cracks where the light once hit. Sooner or later, I start to feel like myself again.

I don’t believe in shooting stars, but I never believed in the ghosts of memories you gave me.  You never wanted me to hate you, and I don’t. I just want to forgive then forget you, then move on.

2/15/2009

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Walk in Silence.

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Dark skies and long goodbyes. Memories of past times and I wonder how much of this is real and how much I am make believing. Watching the roads turn then curve and lead me home. The roads they turn but don’t always lead back to you. They don’t always lead back home or places that seem like it. The dark skies with their thousands of stars, illuminate you when you’re asleep then leave when you wake.

It’s all in my head. It’s all in my head, I say.

I’ve pictured you in color but I am still standing in black and white. In the silence of broken melodies and vacancy of closed spaces. Opening windows to the outside and breathing in every last bit of this haunting air that surrounds me. Anything that brings back a sense that this is home. That this is where I am suppose to be. I could leave this. Leave all of this behind. Look back to the cities from which I have lived and see the lights of the homes I’ve lost. Looking through the tears in blurred visions of the past. This wasn’t how it was suppose to be. This wasn’t how I am suppose to live.

I can’t look back. You’re not suppose to look back. Back to the people, the places, and things that bring forth all this sadness. I want to leave this place. Leave this feeling of shame and regret, into sunlight paths with big bright yellow suns. 3am knows all my secrets and hides all my pain. It shakes the shivers in my spine and makes me feel alone. I am not okay, I am not getting better. Still I walk away in silence and into the dark paths lit by the stars.

This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I am suppose to be. Still, I walk away in silence and in my silence I will stay.

8.10.2015