help me

Shark in the Water.

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I have a dent in my armor. It allows me to put all my emotions out in the open and wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes being so strong, doesn’t make me feel strength. When life happens around me, sometimes I am afraid to break. But breaking doesn’t constitute into weakness, no sir. Every now and then, we need a little meltdown to feel human again.  Saying everything we feel inside helps us deal with the emotions we keep so heavily guarded in our heart.

People don’t believe me when I say I hurting. After a while people start thinking it’s a call for attention, instead of cry for help. We could all stand tall but feel delicate, that at any given moment we could break. My heart breaks a million times a day, for a million different reasons but I keep that from everyone. Because saying how I really feel, no one would believe me. Telling all my secrets to people will only allow myself to feel judged instead of vindicated. Everything hurts inside. Everything can trigger a moment of weakness and out come the waterworks. I am suppose to stay strong. I am suppose to stay composed and not allow the world to worry. Saying how I feel sounds like I am complaining, but reality is I can’t keep things in my heart no more. Keeping things inside only adds to the fire of sadness that only breaks my heart. Things happen to everyone, some worse than others but I can’t help if my mind feels that this is the worst that could happen. I can’t explain to you how it feels on the inside without coming off as powerless and weak. I am suppose to let the light in and pay no attention to the dark. I am suppose to go into life without fears or sadness.

This sickness consumes me and turns me into someone I can’t remember. It pierces through my bloodstream and takes away all the things I have worked for. It only takes a minute to fall back to zero. It only takes a minute to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don’t you think I hate myself for feeling this way? Don’t you think that I want to be happy, instead of on the brink of a mental breakdown? Who are we to judge a person for their feelings, when we haven’t walked a mile in their shoes? No matter how much you think you know a person, there are things they keep from everyone. Truth is sometimes I want to die. There are days I feel as I am not good enough for this world. That my past finds a way to haunt me. It takes me longer to wake up, because waking up means I haven’t left this life. And I hurt, and I hurt, and I can’t explain where all this hurt comes from. But I sit and watch people look toward me and believe I have failed them. When reality is I have failed myself countless times. Because I hurt when I’m suppose to feel joy. I cry when I am suppose to be happy. I claw at my skin trapped in this body that I desperately want to get out of.

My heart beats just the same as yours. My dreams are just as big as yours. Sometimes things hurt when they’re not suppose to. Sometimes people say things and it weights heavily in my heart. Sometimes I alienate myself from people, so they won’t know how terrible I feel about myself. I breathe in deep to suffocate the madness I feel inside me. I breathe out all the darkness I keep inside of me. I can’t run away from sadness. I can’t pretend that sadness doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t fit in with my life. Because sadness is there and to most of us it will always be there. We just know how to hide it behind a smile, a joke, and a laugh. I will feel better eventually, even bad days have a silver lining. If I can’t be okay for you, at least I’ll be okay for me.

But everyone circles around me like sharks in the water. Asking me why I swam so far from shore. Truth is I am hurting, if you could just lead me back to shore.

11/9/2010

St. Jude.

I wear my crown of thorns better than the rest of you. I carry forth my sins surrounded by the thousands of saints before me. Because we are all saints, afraid of being sinners. Losing ourselves in this righteous need to be better. Even in our quest of righteousness, we forget that we can still be sinners. We can still fail in the smallest wonders of our need to be great. I forget at times that I can’t always be right, but everyone can’t always point out my wrongs. I may not always be right, but I am not always wrong.

My selfish nature gets the best of me. This constant need to want all the wrong things. Searching through the faces of my wrongs and coming up empty handed. I see these saints with their wooden crosses glued across their chests. Waiting patiently for me to fail, fall, and point out all my wrong doings. I am just one person. Just one person with a life full of sins and a lifetime of making up to do. It doesn’t take a day to build Rome, but takes more than a few words to break down a spirit. I could spend a lifetime changing my ways but its the past that comes back to haunt me. Its my past that doesn’t allow the present to shine through. Its the errors of my ways that allows the countless saints to come forth to “save” me. I don’t need to be saved. I don’t need anything. When its my sins that are counted against me.

Its in this life that I feel like a lost cause. That even praying to St. Jude himself wouldn’t save me. That lighting a thousand candles wouldn’t grant me this one miracle. Cleansing this life clean and washing this slate a thousand times over. Starting over would only bring forth the saints to chase after me with their righteousness. Because everyone else is always right. Its the saints with their fear in the wrong that causes them to believe in their own perfection. Maybe I just need to pretend with the rest of them. Wear my wooden cross glued across my chest to point out the sins of the sinners freely. Even I can’t hide behind a wooden cross. Even saints can be sinners.

St. Jude, I pray to thee to save me from my hopelessness. It’s this life thats a lost cause that needs to be found again. This crown of thorns that has become to unbearable to wear. Its with your will that will help my hopelessness. Its with this power that will cleanse this slate clean. I may not always right, but I know I am not always wrong.

I just wish others saw it too.

7/17/2008