insane

What it feels like for a girl.

Don’t think about it.
Don’t think about it.
Whatever you do, do not think about it.

What do I do? Of course, I think about it. It’s in my nature to think of everything. Everything I am afraid of. Everything I am running away from. Everything I said I wouldn’t think about. The more you think about it, the more you won’t be able to let go of it. Here I am thinking of every single detail. Every single insignificant thing, that makes no difference weeks later. I don’t know why I do it, but it’s driving me insane. Replaying moments that happened yesterday and analyzing things to see why I continue to do this to myself.

Do I bring this out of people?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I really that awkward?

Its these insecurities that get the best of me. I am driving myself insane by overanalyzing everything, I can’t get my mind to stop thinking about. Every single moment is an episode that I can’t help but replay, over and over again. Dissecting words, going over every minor detail, and thinking of new ways to make things seem better. Because every word that comes out is wrong. Every thing I do or say, is always wrong. I can’t help myself. Is it me? Is it you? Is it the whole universe?  Am I just driving myself crazy? How am I suppose to act when I feel like I am tearing everything apart. It’s been so long since I’ve had interaction with people, perhaps I am a little rusty. I find myself fidgeting more than normal and I can’t help but feel even more nervous than before. This is perfectly normally right?

Right?

I am not crazy, but I sure as hell feel crazy. I can’t stop my mind from asking myself:

Did I say something stupid?
Did I say too much, or nothing at all?
Did I do something to make you believe something else?

People have a way of making you feel completely differently than how you normally are. How can I be so guarded when all I want is to tell my stories to everyone? And yet, words comes out like word vomit and I am saying everything that I don’t normally say. I don’t know how to act when I am around you. Have I always been like this? Do I normally act like this? There is always a part of me that believes I will never be good enough. These stupid insecurities that eat a way at my self confidence and drive me absolutely insane. If I had wore something different. If I had said everything I wanted to say. If I had looked a certain way, maybe I would feel less crazy. This is what it feels like for a girl. At least for me, and it’s absolute madness.

NO.
Stop that. None of that matters.

People who want to know you will keep the conversation going. Life may seem like one big popularity contest, but the right people will always find you. No matter what you wear, say, or do. No matter what you do, these little crazy feelings will always follow. We can’t help ourselves. Sometimes things work out, often times they don’t. But when they do, they are worth every moment. You can drive yourself crazy or keep moving forward. I think I will keep moving forward.

 

4/12/2016

In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

In my head.

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It’s only in my head.

There’s this thing I have where my mind doesn’t shut up. Where it wants to think about every single little thing and maximize it to the 100th power. I can’t control it. Once it starts, it can’t stop. I take meaningless ideas and turns them into masterpiece theater. The emotional damage just a single thought could do, ruins everything I could think about. It’s paranoia. It’s putting too much power into something that is clearly nothing. I just can’t stop it.

I try to think about rainbows
When it gets bad
You got to think about something
To keep from going mad

Its when you’re alone with your thoughts that you can’t help but find all the wrong things. Alone with these images that cause you nothing but insane madness. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe this is the reason everyone hates me. Maybe if I had said something different I could understand whats wrong with me. At the end of the day everything is my fault. I am the reason for all this misery, I am the reason why people don’t have a problem leaving. Its this never ending constant bickering in my head. But it’s only in my head right?

Only in my head.

I am going mad. I am keeping myself awake thinking of the past. Thinking of every passing moment and the chaos that comes with it. I am the cause to all my own problems. I am nitpicking every little thing and can’t stop and let things go. I say all the wrong things at the wrong times and turn around do the opposite. Making myself sick with these thoughts that seem to come at all the wrong times. I am making people out to be the monsters under my bed. I am driving myself insane making assumptions out of nothing. Who are these people that are more self righteous than the rest of us? Who are we to believe in the lies they tell us? I just believe everything I want to believe and pick out the wrongs in everything. I drive myself crazy and give myself these thoughts.

In my head
It’s only in my head

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe at the end of the day we are all a little insane. I just can’t stop these never ending thoughts. Am I doing all these things wrong? Am I the cause to all my problems? Have I missed my chance making all these mistakes? I am tired of thinking this way. Tired of keeping myself up at night with these thoughts that feel never ending. I don’t want to miss people anymore. I don’t want to think about all the things I have done wrong. I can’t control people’s actions and I sure as hell can’t control my reactions. Why should I be punished for my wrongs and left with these never ending constant thoughts? I am tired of the countless apologies I make up in my mind. I am tired of going over situations and believing I did any of this wrong. Maybe I am crazy but I am only fucking human. I make mistakes just like the rest of us.

Cause everybody wants everybody else

What does it matter. Why should I fucking care so much? Putting all this energy into meaningless bullshit that no one else cares about. At the end of the day I can change. I can change and be anything I want to be. But its when I come home and lay my head down at night, that I can’t escape these thoughts. They’re only in my head, only in my head right?