Life has a way of coming back full circle. When you least expect it to. I don’t understand it at times, why signs pop up out of no where and cause you to think endlessly. I start to reevaluate everything; people, places, dreams, and things. Music has a way of transporting your feelings into memories. Films have a way of showcasing your emotions with feelings and placements. And Books? Books just find a way to give you the torch to light your way with the words you read. You may not understand it at first, but when you find yourself swaying to the poetic words, you can’t help but be hooked.
I purchased the book Just Kids by Patti Smith, over 5 years ago. It was part intrigue, part nostalgia, and part wanting to be moved from my current surroundings. As many of the items in my room end up being relics of the past, this book became one of them. I denied this book so many times in favor of other things. Maybe it was the intensity of the book and part intimidation, but I couldn’t bring myself to read this book. “I’m not ready”, I kept telling myself. I would pick up the book and then place it back under the stacks of books, still waiting to be read. I held on to this book in anticipation of when I would be fully prepared to read that book. When I would be able to comprehend the words and lose myself in the rhythm of the book. I wasn’t ready. No matter how many times I picked up the book, I just wasn’t ready to fully commit. When I brought myself to read the book, I knew it would hit me like a ton of bricks. That it would ache from the depths of my heart into the depths of my soul. I wasn’t prepared for that, I wasn’t ready. I had always been a bit intimidated by Patti Smith. It was her vulnerability and her honesty in her music that always kept me at an arms length. Through the words that infected and spoke to me on numerous occasions. Her album Horses was a bible of spoken words, dreams, desires and sometimes I couldn’t listen to it. Its almost as the words pierced right through me, telling me, pulling me out of myself. I just wasn’t prepared nor ready to hear everything that she had to say.
When you need something the most is when you reach out and find it. Call it the change in season or the weather but on Monday, I was ready. For two days, I lived and breathed in those words. Devoured every syllable and inch of the book. It opened a world I longed forgotten about. Reminded me of the images of my past and this yearning to create, to live, and to feel inspired. Big cities change people. It changes how you think, feel, create, and live. You’re also surrounded by a variety of movers and shakers, and can’t help but want to be immersed in that life. It was more than a love story about two creative people. It was a living, breathing machine of life and you couldn’t help but feel transported into. Poetic, loving, raw, moving, and absolutely beautiful. It was magic. I fell in love with this nostalgia of two phenomenal people and their journey of growing up, surrounded by this cosmic love and admiration for each other. It made me look into my own life. The people that have come and gone and how upset I was that relationships fall apart. How hard it seems to navigate through my adult life and still holding on to fragments of my past stories. I breathed in another life while reading and breathed out all the chaotic misfortunes of my own. I retreat to the past and seldom tell stories anymore. Part being upset, part wanting to forget, and part still hurt by the failed relationships.
After reading Just Kids, I felt something; happiness, love, and everything in between. I felt magic that I thought I lost long ago on the steps of countless streets where I told myself stories. For the first time in years, I didn’t cry about the past. I didn’t cry about fallen friendships, I didn’t cry about the memories. For the first time I laid to rest the longing to rekindle those old times and memories. I wasn’t a kid then, but I sure as hell acted like one. I was ready to box up the memories and those relics of the past and file it away until it was necessary to bring them back. I loved many aspects of my past but all that nostalgia was bringing me down. I was ready to feel again, ready to let go, and ready to start over. For the first time in years I felt inspired by my past to make good into my present.
For the first time in years, I played Horses and replayed every track.