loneliness

9/2/2015 – Day Nineteen.

I am not here.

My things are here but I am far from here. Can you grow up in a course of a few weeks? Can you change your perception of things in the course of a few days? As I sit and look at everything in my room, I have never felt so detached from things. Its as if all these things were placed without my permission. Without my knowledge. I am seeing everything and wishing everything would disappear. I wonder why did I care so much for these material things, when I don’t need them. I look at these things collecting dust and filling up empty spaces with clutter, and wonder, why?

I want white walls and bare spaces.
I want a simpler way of looking at things.
I want to take everything I have and get rid of it all.

Take everything and give it all away. Nothing in this space feels like me anymore. Take every last piece of materialism and give it to someone else. It’s not welcome here.

I can’t hide forever. I can’t keep pretending that at any moment all these things will disappear. That someone will come and stake a claim on everything. Everyone deserves the world and to leave me with the scraps. I just don’t want anything anymore. Everything must go. As much as it pains me to unpack, I have to resume as everything is normal. That everything is okay. Even when it’s not in place.

The clothes back on the hangers, the socks in the drawers, and the toiletries back in their rightful place. But it still feels like I am gone. That I am going through the motions. I could state at the ceiling, wrap myself in blankets and wish it all away. We all know wishes don’t come true. As much as I close my eyes I have to wake up into this chaos. Separate what I want from what I need and hope with it comes bare spaces and white walls.

Simplify.

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8/17/2015 – Day Nine.

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Hello darkness, my old friend.

Darkness follows me like an old friend. Which is why I have no problem writing about it. Writing about the night skies and their equally dark rooms. When you spend a lot of time in dark rooms, you start having a deeper appreciation of low light and shadows. It’s a calming feeling in being alone with your thoughts. It’s when you open your heart to the shadows, and remind yourself of how much you have left of your journey. At this point I am not sure if my journey is beginning or ending. Or maybe I am still in the middle of this fork in the road, wondering which way to turn.

Its sitting in the dark that I wonder about many things. I replay thousands of conversations in my head. I go back and look at thousands of photographs and I can’t help but wonder. There are times I think I am being vocal about how I am feeling and reality is I am just hiding from the world. I seek comfort in this darkness that knows all my secrets. That hides my tears, sadness, and every inch of pain I am feeling. I am doing everything wrong and I know what I am doing. But hiding in this darkness keeps me from seeing everything that happens in the light. Maybe I am better off that way. Better off hiding from the world and the people that surround it. I am not doing anyone any favors and at this point I feel like the worst person in the world. When you think all your doing is being a hero and reality is you’ve always been the villain in disguise.

Lately I just want to cry about everything and hide from everyone. Hide in the shadows no matter how many times people ask me to play. It takes a big city full of millions of people to make your heart beat faster. To make yourself feel even more alone. You rely on the dark skies to bring you home. When it rains it pours, it brings out the clean slate you desperately scrub clean. I don’t have problem being alone but I hate feeling alone. Maybe it’s the sadness that makes you lonely. That has you looking out windows and praying for rain. Praying for something to take away all this pain. Surrounded by people you can’t help but wish they could bump right next to you and help you feel something, anything. Instead you avoid their glances and calculate your moves away from them. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe being alone is an overdramatic cry for help and settling is what I should be doing. Maybe I have gone through life doing things wrong and one day I’ll figure out how to fix this mess. Who knows. I just can’t help that when the sunsets enough, I am left in the dark. Others have found out how to turn the lights on but I am still adjusting to the lack of sun.

 

8/13/2015 – Day Seven.

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My body is in a state of shock. I have bones aching and muscles sore. I am exhausted. The lack of sleep from the nights before, make waking up harder than normal. I woke up to sunny skies escaping my window but my body still ached for the cold of the night and the darkness. Sleep makes you forget about things in your waking day reality. You become so transfixed in your dream state you forget that you have to go back to reality. I could stay lost in my dreams forever. Lost in this idea of make believe instead of waking up to this sickening pain of reality. I hate this feeling.

This exhausted feeling could only bring me enough energy to get dressed and eat somewhat. Even getting dressed was a hassle. You reach this point where putting on your normal every day clothes seem far fetched, I wanted to put just the most comfortable manageable clothes. My head was pounding due to the altitude and I felt dizzy and distraught. That feeling you get when you don’t feel like talking and you find yourself ridiculously quiet? Thats how I felt. I am not usually a quiet person but I had this need to not say anything. When I have nothing to say, why say anything. Why pretend I have something to say, when I have nothing at all. All I wanted to do was sleep. From my fingertips to my toes, everything shakes. I could live in this bed forever, hiding under the covers and looking out toward the sun that illuminates from under the drapes. I could. I would if I could.

I should be doing a million things. Start unpacking, start a million different ideas and complete them with a follow through. The more I thought about these things the more the pain continued to hurt. The tighter I held on to the blankets and kept falling back asleep. I shouldn’t think about the things that I do. I should be in a better mood in a beautiful place with amazing people. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake this mood. This feeling of hurting physically that was hurting emotionally. I wrapped myself in that blanket, covered in comfort, warmth and this feeling of pure security. Before I knew it the sunny skies morphed into an overcast afternoon. Waking up to the cold air and skies cascading in colors from white to slate to dark grey. I could have laid in that emotional bliss forever. This weather that matches my aches and pains and cuts into my mood. I knew I would have to go back into reality. I knew I would have to start talking again. I knew eventually I’d have to admit to myself exactly how I was feeling.

In this moment I felt the cold inch closer to me. Greeting me like an old friend. It was then I moved the blanket closer and fell back asleep.

 

 

I’m a mess of mistakes.

If I write this all down maybe it will stop hurting. Taking everything I have inside and spilling my guts for the world to see will make me feel better. Nothing could make me feel worse then how I feel at this very moment. Anything to take away this pain.

The truth is I don’t feel like myself lately. Someone has taken a hold of my body, my arms, my legs, my brain and my thoughts. If I write everything down, it won’t hurt as much. It won’t hurt to say how bad I’m feeling or how hard life feels at times. I want to disappear, leave this life and everything I see before me. I want all these thoughts to drown in the deepest oceans, and only then would I finally feel free. I could finally feel like who I am suppose to be, opposed to this phony way of feeling.

I want to hurt myself in every possible way, claw off my skin to reach my insides. Purge every negative though I could possible think of. I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want to respond with “I am fine”, when I am fucking losing my mind. It hurts. It all hurts inside. This rotten feeling that will only go away once I am gone. I have done all these wrong things, that never out weigh the good. Its my selfish ways that lead to selfish thoughts. I am not good enough. I am not strong enough. We are all going mad but afraid to show the world. I wish I didn’t feel so empty. I wish I didn’t have to drive myself to escape this bullshit reality. Maybe one day this will all disappear.

People are drifting further away from me. Keeping themselves at arms length and slowly walking away. Its for the best because I would do the same too. I am tired of hurting people, only telling them what they want to hear. I am tired of pretending that everything is going to be okay, when I am completely falling apart. This isn’t who I am, this isn’t who I am suppose to be. I am watching my life in slow motion, when everyone is running to the speed of light. Life was never suppose to be perfect, but it wasn’t suppose to hurt this much either. I guess I just want a moment to myself to pretend I’ll be just fine.

But I am not fine, I won’t be for a while.

8/11/2015

8/9/2015 – Day Three.

Emotions have a way of turning you upside down and inside out. For the past few days, I’ve felt what emotions can do to you physically and emotionally. Personally, I can’t take it anymore. This push/pull feeling of being okay and then later being in pain. I started realizing that my days seemed numbered. That I was struggling to feel anything aside from this numbing pain of being hurt. Which is crazy, I shouldn’t be feeling this pain. I had nothing to provoke this pain and yet this heartbreaking feeling manages to wash over me.

There’s always this feeling of emptiness that harbors inside. That no matter how much I could possible eat or how much I drink, I just can’t get that satisfying feeling of being full. Of course emptiness is a feeling that can transcend different emotions, but hunger was a pain I couldn’t get rid of. I always find myself feeling hungry when I am upset. After the way I was feeling the day before, hunger felt like the only emotion I could control. Somewhere between the dismantling of my closet and the rearrangement, I decided I should treat myself to something to eat. Lately the problem with eating is my limited options and new found eating habits to consider. Usually when I am upset I gravitate toward the greasiest, saltiest, gluttonous food, but after a illness scare, I have been fairly strict with my eating habits. To say that it doesn’t frustrate me, would be lying. It does frustrate me, severely. Just the thought that I can’t be happy with what I eat, even knowing that my past habits are not healthy for me. I am so used to eating the way that I want and to take me away from that is completely foreign to me. However, there are cheat days and when I am not feeling 100%, I give into my old eating ways. I can’t be strict all the time, ya know?

I have eaten millions of meals with people. Meals with fascinating, amazing people. All of my friends, family, friends of friends, etc. Interesting characters all unique in their own individual way. I have how ever never eaten a meal alone. I have eaten at home dozens of times, eaten in my car more times than I can count. But to sit in a restaurant by myself, I’ve never done. It’s that paranoia that people are watching me, judging me. Which is why eating alone is always close to impossible. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s that feeling of really feeling alone. I could order a meal, pick it up, and eat it at home, I mean I could. But even being at home, I don’t feel alone. I just wanted a moment to collect my thoughts, write them down, and be completely and utterly alone. Maybe I could make sense of how I was feeling and put it down on paper. I didn’t want to go to a place that was completely crowded, I also didn’t want to go to a place that was completely empty, so the logical choice was Denny’s. Mainly that it has a load of options and even on the worst possible days, even they can’t mess up my food.

Denny’s has been the center point to many instances in my life. It sometimes gets to the point that I crave Denny’s. There isn’t a memory that doesn’t incorporate Denny’s in it. I know a good fair share of people that don’t care for Denny’s, I personally seek happiness in Denny’s. It’s comfort food. I know what to order and I know it’s always going to be good (I do not work for Denny’s, so this is pretty much coming from the goodness of my heart). I honestly hadn’t been to a Denny’s in over a year or maybe even more. There’s something about going somewhere that you seek comfort in that calms you. Today of all days, I just wanted to pack my bag full of notebooks, drive, and eat some Denny’s. Normally I would call any one of my family members or friends, but today I just didn’t feel like entertaining. I didn’t feel like telling stories, telling jokes, over exaggerating situations, I just wanted to be alone. By myself with my thoughts, feelings, and sadness, and eat food that I know is bad for me.

It’s no secret that I have been avoiding social media. After deleting all my social platforms off my phone, I have been out of touch with the world. I just don’t care anymore, I truly don’t. After having a meltdown on twitter about a month ago, I just didn’t feel up to putting my emotions on social media. I also realized what a distraction social media was, to the point of obsession. I was checking countless social media outlets several times a day that it was interfering with my life. I shouldn’t care what people say but sometimes people say the tiniest thing and it makes you paranoid about your own life. Makes you feel guilty about what you say or do. My only way to combat my fears was to take away what was causing my paranoia and anxiety. After taking that away, I started to see life differently. It always takes me a while to get myself together to do things by myself and today was no different. I realized how much of a crutch I used social media for, just something to occupy my time and calm my nerves. Something to fidget with before I got up the nerve to start. I sat in my car for a few minutes, maybe I could still invite someone to go with me. I still had time to change my mind. Maybe all I really needed was to just sit and talk to someone. The minutes seemed to pass and before I knew it I was out of the car and headed toward the entrance.

You begin to realize how much more aware you are of your surroundings, when you don’t have your phone glued to your hands. More aware of people, sounds, and conversations. More aware of your own personal being, thoughts, and even your own shadows. You observe more, you wait to see if people see you, the way you are seeing them. I am used to shielding myself with technology that I often forget whats in front of me. Sometimes there are things that you don’t see within the camera lens. Things you forget that are staring back at you in the background. I wish I could photograph and record everything, but it doesn’t give you that same feeling. It doesn’t give you the music you hear, the chill in your spine, and that spring in your step. I miss hearing life in between “Like” and “Reblog”. I found myself hiding behind my own insecurities. I didn’t realize how much I missed the sounds of life. Even Denny’s bred a life form of silverware chattering, people bickering, plates slamming, hustling. Everyone I could see sitting in booths and chairs may have been surrounded by people, even if I was alone I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel my heart race with fear or anxiety. I didn’t feel people judging me and pointing fingers at my flaws. For the first time in days I felt okay. I felt safe. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t have felt had I been with someone else. It was something I had to learn being on my own in a chain restaurant in the middle of nowhere.

When your heart is hurting you don’t feel like anyone sees you. You could be right in front of someone but you’ll feel they see right through you. Maybe no one really sees you for who you are but today I saw myself. Scared, vulnerable, alone and for the first time in a long time I was okay with that.

In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

Stay with me.

stay with me

 

There was this desperation to have you. Even if it meant risking everything. If it meant lying to everyone, including myself, I just wanted you. I stopped loving you a long time ago, but I hate to lose. And I was always losing. You see it was always a game. This game between us to see who could put up with the most. I didn’t give two fucks about you, but I wanted you. I didn’t need you, I wanted you.

No it’s not a good look
Gain some self control

It’s was a push and pull and at times it didn’t feel like a game. Most times it felt like we were worlds apart. I wanted different things but you are always what I was certain of.  I look back now and realized it was all a game. Just a stupid fucking game, and I hated to lose.  We were comfortable leaving, when all I really wanted was an excuse to stay. I ran out of excuses and the desperation weighed in. I could have lied until I was blue in my face to make you stay. To make your decisions change, all to prove this point that I was right and you were always wrong.

And deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My heart couldn’t pretend any longer. The more I pushed the more I begged for you to pull me back. To you this was all just one silly game and I was on the outside begging to play. It was easy for you to leave and all I wanted was for you to stay. This desperation, this need to have you, was just to hide my loneliness from the masses. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it wasn’t what I deserved but still I wanted everything you threw at me. It’s amazing the things we put our heart through in this desperation to be loved and desired. Thats all I could have ever wanted. This feeling of being wanted and loved. This feeling of curing my loneliness and fighting back the tears of being alone.

I don’t want you to leave
Will you hold my hand

Even if this hurts. Even if it makes us miserable. Even if this never works out. Stay. Stay with me, until the feeling comes back. Stay with me, until I find someone new. Give me a reason to believe this game was worth it. A reason to believe that all this push and pull was worth it. Stay. Stay with me until the loneliness disappears. If only for a moment. If only until my heart puts itself back together. Stay.

Won’t you, stay with me.

Please.

7/2/2009 1400101510972c8-original-1

 

 

 

 

Pursuit of Happiness.

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit.

I am watching everything in my life slip away. Through the clouds of the smoke that we so delicately breathe out of ourselves. We are wasting away the nights drinking away our sorrows, when all we want to do is sit silently in deep thoughts and conversations. I have nothing to hide from these monsters I see before me. I have nothing to hide from the people that are surrounding me. All I ever wanted was a reason to escape these nightmares that keep me up at night. Instead I watch myself disappear into the clouds and float away from everything around me.

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Everything and everyone is alive in slow motion. Turning into blurry masses, while I constantly observe this happening. I am not afraid. I sit and observe in hope that in time I too will turn into a blurry mass of nothing. Disappear into the misty fog clouds that I see before me. Become nothing but a huge cloud of smoke and then nothing. I could die at this moment and still feel more alive then I did in my waking life. Feel something more than I have ever felt. Maybe death isn’t such a bad thing, all I know is that at this moment living is just a hard as dying.

Do you think you ever get to that point where everything feels okay? Where everything finally comes alive and you don’t feel this way? Will I ever feel like I am living?

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I just want an excuse to disappear. Become another blurry mass in the crowd of slow motion living. Instead I sit and watch the mockery everyone makes of themselves. I watch everyone move slowly as an exaggerated version of themselves. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I imagined my life to be. I can’t help but feel trapped around the same things and the same people. Every last one of us wanted a reason to disappear. Drinking and smoking away every last bit of our selves to feel something. Anything. I just want an excuse to stay awake because its the nightmares that keep me up at night. Its the thoughts of loneliness and sadness that can’t stop once they’re settled under my skin. Hurting myself can only go so far and once I exhausted all my resources, how much more of the destruction do I have left.

I am too deep into my self destruction to get myself out of this mess. I just wish for this all to be over. The tears, the numbing, the nightmares, everything. Maybe not today, but soon. Until then I’ll sit here disappearing into the clouds and wishing for something else. Anything else. This road to happiness and my many ways of pursuing greatness.  Maybe someday.

I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be good. 

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7/1/2009