looking back

One last look.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”, she said. As I slowly walked away from her desk. Life is all about last looks, this one was no exception.

I imagined myself doing different things with my life. Going on different adventures, then what was happening before me. I never imagined coming back home. I never thought that failing was an option. As I always do, I picked myself up and started over. Starting over by going home until I come back to this fucking city.  I am going home to regroup then come back to this town to be somebody. Anybody then the person I was before. Not the broken person I was when I came here.

Big cities don’t take to kindly to lonely hearts. Broken people don’t always find what they are looking for. But I will be the exception. The exception to the rule.

I walked away from her office and watched the room glitter with the sunlight. The same golden color. The same sparkle from the afternoon sun. What I would give to be outside  but instead, I am saying goodbye to everything that was familiar.

Life doesn’t prepare you for goodbyes. Life doesn’t prepare you for last looks and the words that haunt you after. Instead, you move forward and hope for the best. Praying, wishing, hoping, that all of this will be a distant memory. Just another story to add in the book of life.

It’s been six years since I have been back. Six years and I still feel like like a visitor in my hometown. This doesn’t feel like home but neither did that big city. Which is why I felt the need to burn my bridges and watch them crumble behind me.

Yet, those words haunt me.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

As I make another last look through the glistening rays of the sun behind me.

One day I will. Someday soon.

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Me without You.

There’s no me without you.

I thought about you today for the first time in years. Distance doesn’t make up the years. Silence doesn’t forgive the tears. Still I thought about you for the first time in years. Endings are never sweet and I still feel something missing. Some things were left unsaid in the mess of here and there. All I want to do is reach out  and talk to you. Say everything I’ve always wanted to say. Even when I am hurting, I still want you around. Because you understood me better than I ever understood myself.

For the first time in years, I thought about the past. Thought about us and the memories that rang louder than any sound. When you miss someone, you imagine them trapped in a time where everything was beautiful. Even the years don’t make up for everything that came after. If things had been different, would it have mattered anyway? Here and now, everything in-between. Days have been passing, everything has been changing and I still wonder about you. Remembering you is looking back to the past, when I should be looking forward toward the future. Some days I still want you around, and I can’t help but think of all the mistakes that sunk this ship.

Everything happens for a reason. Even memories pinpoint the moments where everything went wrong. I can’t lie when I say I don’t miss you. I miss believing that at one point there was no me without you, but even people change. Every day we are growing farther and farther away from the past. What held us together for so long, eventually broke us apart. I am afraid of what comes after. Afraid of losing the thread that held these memories together. But I need this happen. To let you go and the memories that come with you. We can’t hurt, what we don’t see anymore. We can’t believe in people, if they no longer exist to us. The memories are all we have left that connect us to each other. Even memories lie and I can’t lie any longer.

There was no me without you. Slowly I am learning that without you, I can just be me. It hurts to miss you and even on the darkest days, I still want you around. I had to grow up to live without you. I had to grow up to see what I could be without you. I had to disappear to show that I could be me without you. Even on the darkest days, I still want you around but I don’t need you. I need the memories to keep me together, but as days go on, I don’t need you. In the end I only needed myself to get out of this pain, I needed to find myself and grow up from this. I do miss you but I missed who I was before you. Now I can finally be who I want to be.

There was no me without you. Now I know I can be just fine.

2/19/2014