music

I tried to drink it away.

I tried to drink it away.

I can’t stop thinking about that line.

It’s a haunting reminder of a past and the person that goes with it. Who I am, who I was, and everything in between. But the way the words linger, I can’t stop hearing over and over.

If I could drink it away, I would. Every last drop. Every thing to keep this memory from forming a nostalgic image in my romanticized past. Everything through rose colored glasses. Everything blurry, messy, vile and perfect.

All I have are memories. The late nights in crowded rooms. The cigarettes I’ve smoked. The countless men I have kissed, just to wish it away. The countless times I tried to drink it away. Nothing worked. Even sitting here going over lines in my head, I can’t keep it away.

I rub my hands together in nervous energy. Running the fingers down the palms of my hands. Thinking of a million things. People I have longed to forget. Everything just keeps coming back. If I say everything out loud it just puts words into the atmosphere. It makes the names disappear but the faces remain. When all I want is to do it take this pain away.

I drink to forget. I drink to let go. I hold the bottle close and wish this away. Years will pass eventually and the nostalgia of you will disappear. Until then, I continue to drink these feelings away. Putting out words in the atmosphere until you disappear completely.

I am going to let you go.
One drink at a time.

 

San Francisco, CA
January 21, 2009
#thisishowIletgo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

In my head.

hqdefault

It’s only in my head.

There’s this thing I have where my mind doesn’t shut up. Where it wants to think about every single little thing and maximize it to the 100th power. I can’t control it. Once it starts, it can’t stop. I take meaningless ideas and turns them into masterpiece theater. The emotional damage just a single thought could do, ruins everything I could think about. It’s paranoia. It’s putting too much power into something that is clearly nothing. I just can’t stop it.

I try to think about rainbows
When it gets bad
You got to think about something
To keep from going mad

Its when you’re alone with your thoughts that you can’t help but find all the wrong things. Alone with these images that cause you nothing but insane madness. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe this is the reason everyone hates me. Maybe if I had said something different I could understand whats wrong with me. At the end of the day everything is my fault. I am the reason for all this misery, I am the reason why people don’t have a problem leaving. Its this never ending constant bickering in my head. But it’s only in my head right?

Only in my head.

I am going mad. I am keeping myself awake thinking of the past. Thinking of every passing moment and the chaos that comes with it. I am the cause to all my own problems. I am nitpicking every little thing and can’t stop and let things go. I say all the wrong things at the wrong times and turn around do the opposite. Making myself sick with these thoughts that seem to come at all the wrong times. I am making people out to be the monsters under my bed. I am driving myself insane making assumptions out of nothing. Who are these people that are more self righteous than the rest of us? Who are we to believe in the lies they tell us? I just believe everything I want to believe and pick out the wrongs in everything. I drive myself crazy and give myself these thoughts.

In my head
It’s only in my head

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe at the end of the day we are all a little insane. I just can’t stop these never ending thoughts. Am I doing all these things wrong? Am I the cause to all my problems? Have I missed my chance making all these mistakes? I am tired of thinking this way. Tired of keeping myself up at night with these thoughts that feel never ending. I don’t want to miss people anymore. I don’t want to think about all the things I have done wrong. I can’t control people’s actions and I sure as hell can’t control my reactions. Why should I be punished for my wrongs and left with these never ending constant thoughts? I am tired of the countless apologies I make up in my mind. I am tired of going over situations and believing I did any of this wrong. Maybe I am crazy but I am only fucking human. I make mistakes just like the rest of us.

Cause everybody wants everybody else

What does it matter. Why should I fucking care so much? Putting all this energy into meaningless bullshit that no one else cares about. At the end of the day I can change. I can change and be anything I want to be. But its when I come home and lay my head down at night, that I can’t escape these thoughts. They’re only in my head, only in my head right?

 

Feel again.

I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace

Songs feel like heart beats. Another line to add to the thousand of lines already floating through your heart and bloodstream. Every once in a while a line of melody will hit you that it resuscitates you back to life. The melancholy feeling you felt years prior, slowly starts drifting away piece by piece. Songs have the same effect as people do. Just finding the right notes to reach through to you. It’ll happen in an instant and before you know it, you’re hooked.

You want to be believe that you’re invincible to the world. That through everything you’ve been through, there is no way to reach you. Its when you let your guard completely down that the walls around you start to crumble. It when you’ve let your walls come down that you let the right one in. Well, at least that’s what you want to believe. Because people always start out as pure as you want them to be. As good as its going to get. Its in that moment, that moment that you start to feel something. You feel it in your bones, moving through your veins and pumping through your heart. Just like a melody that jump starts your heart, you start to feel again.

But with you
I feel again
Yeah, with you
I can feel again

The past is the past and all you’re sure of is whats standing right in front of you. It’s not love, its not infatuation, it’s just something you can’t quite point a finger at. For this moment, this one pure moment you allow all the flaws to crumble. You allow the walls to breakdown and in the destruction, you still find your heart beating. The thousands of lines of every song you remember. The countless melodies you never forget. In that moment you feel something for someone, so much that it hurts your head.

I’m feeling better ever since you know me
I was a lonely soul but that’s the old me

Maybe nothing will become of what you feel. In a day it will all go away. Feelings don’t last forever and eventually people always turn out the way you don’t want them to be. But for a moment you felt something that took away the darkness you used to feel. Something that took all the old feelings of hurt disappear. Something that only appears in songs and through melodies that reach through your heart. Its in that song of life that allows you to feel again.

Anything and everything.

4/16/2013

tumblr_me8mnldpen1qkrlyro1_500

Still believe in magic?

Drum beat mimics your heart beat. You can’t help but feel it too. 3 seconds in you’re hooked. The melody melts into your soul and you completely disappear into the lyrics. You believe every word. It stops you dead in your tracks, hits you when you least expect it to. The emotions, the feelings, and soon you’ve become every word of the song. Captivated in melody and haunted through song.

I call it magic when I’m with you

You fight to remember moments that made you feel this way. The way that hits you in the exact moment that this song does. You pinpoint the emotions and why the memories hit you when they do. They flood your mind with nostalgia and now your memories have a soundtrack. You want to forget and yet you can’t help but remember. There was a time in your life you believed these words, there was a time that haunted you in ways you can’t explain.

And I just got broken, broken into two

You let go of the feeling. Let go of the heartbreak. Consuming yourself in every inch of the song, until you no longer feel broken. No longer feel alone because someone somewhere feels exactly how you’re feeling. You find yourself falling in love with the melody. Falling in love with the words, falling in love with the song. You can’t describe in words how you feel, yet the words to this song describe you completely.

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
“Still believe in magic?”
Well yes, I do
Time passes just as the song fades. People forgive and then soon people forget. You can’t be heartbroken forever. The song haunts you to remember and slowly you find yourself forgetting. You slowly forgive and in the end your truly do forget. Whether you’ve been broken into a thousand pieces or two, memories will always haunt you. In the end you heal and find yourself still believing in magic. The magic of the lyrics, the magic of the song, the magic of the melody that heals your soul. You can’t help your memories but  in the end you can heal your sorrow. Believing in magic is what you do best. Believing in magic because that’s all you have left.
Still believe in magic? Well yes, I do. Of course I do.