need

Someone else.

We all want what we can’t have. People that don’t deserve us. People that we don’t deserve. Anyone, anything, and all of the above. If I could be anyone else, I would. Anyone then what you see before you. Even good people want to be bad. Good people want all the characteristics of a good time. Tracing our fingertips on the brink of madness. Wanting to take away all our sadness. Anything with anyone different then what we are used too.

I hear music when I should be hearing you. Listening to the sounds take over the words that come out of your mouth. Even if I see you, I always want someone else. Even if you give me everything I want, I want something more. And I don’t deserve any of it. I am pretending to be what you want me to be, because even you want something you can’t forget. I don’t want you, for I am always pretending you’re someone else. Someone that can take me away from this lonely sense of feeling. Become the music that drags me out of my body and beats into my soul. You’ll always be someone else, someone that I would rather see. Someone that I could spend all these lonely nights and take away this aching pain.

You’re the distraction that gives me what I want, when I want it. Even in the nights when I am reaching out to you, its someone else I am reaching out to touch. We all want what we can’t have. We all pretend to be people we want to who ever will see us. If you want me to pretend to be someone else, I will. Because being someone else is easier than being who I really am. Because deep down I am rotten, deep down I am broken but with you, I can be who ever you want me to be. You don’t see me, you only see what I want you to see. Someone else that makes you feel free. Someone that fills the space until you get everything you want, from everyone you want.

You don’t really want me. You want this illusion of me. This belief that one day you could learn to love me. Hear my words and fall in love all over again. It’s never me you want. That is never who I am. What you want and what you have, are never the same thing. Because I want someone and settle for you. I want something and pretend with you. But even I can play that game too. Everybody wants everybody else. You want me as much as I think I need you. I never need you. I’ll always be wanting someone else.

4/11/2011

 

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Still.

My mind moves a mile a minute. Non-stop thoughts. Thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of us and everything that falls in-between. I watch all this energy harness in every single one of my fingertips. I can’t stop this shaking, this aching feeling. Something is going to happen, something is about to blow. I’d rather everything blow up in my face, then have nothing happen at all. Still I stay here, lying still, waiting.

I hear the wind muffle the sounds of my breathing. This pain, this ache, this energy that keeps me awake at night. If only there was a reason for all this mess. If only there was a reason for feeling this way. These thoughts are never ending. Maybe in the end, this is all my fault. I am the reason for this source of undoing. Because it was always me that waited too long to say anything. It was always me that spoke up at all the wrong times. I could replay every single conversation, word for word, and no matter what happens, I’m still here. I’m still here, lying still, waiting.

When did I get to this point? How can I make it stop? The more I sit here the more I wonder why I couldn’t just control myself. Control my actions and my reactions. Say exactly how I feel at exactly the right time. I know I am only human, and being human means making mistakes. Was this all just one big mistake? Was this all just my fault in believing the unobtainable could be obtainable? My hands shake and my breathing gets heavy, still I stay here, lying still, waiting.

What use is waiting if I never get what I want. Whats the use of being good when everything we want is so bad? Whats the point of all hopelessness, if no one ever has the hope in believing in us? I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew that one day everything I feel would be worth it. That in the end, I would get everything I wanted. But I won’t. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have waiting so long for nothing. Because all waiting ever did was cause me so much pain. This ache in my chest, this pain in my heart and this feeling I could never shake off. I would have waited forever if it meant I could have everything I wanted. I could have you, me, and us. I could keep pretending that everything is my fault, that I missed my mark, but the past is still the past. The longer you wait the more you realize nothing is worth waiting for. You have time to realize that everything you wanted could be yours in a heartbeat. But I can’t help but keep waiting, lying here, still.

Still, I will stay.

11/15/2013

Let it go.

Do you ever get those days of pure rage?

Where you just want to take everything you own and light everything on fire. I don’t just mean putting it in the car and lighting the contents on fire “waiting to exhale” status (but hey that works too). I mean everything. In this “Everything must go” field just letting every single item you once cared about go. Just let it burn and start all over; a fresh clean slate. I do, I honestly think about letting everything burn and watching it turn to ash on a daily basis. Mainly just an easy cop out then actually dealing with my materialistic situation at hand.

This scene. ALWAYS.

This scene. ALWAYS.

Okay arson aside. I’d love to live with only the essentials. Only the things I needed. A complete minimalistic way of living as opposed to how I live now. As of right now, I’m surrounded by mountains of clutter. Countless stacks of magazines, unopened packages*, clothes, accessories, unread books, and well… you get the picture. You know they say you can tell a lot about a person from the way they dress? Well, lets just say a room is a reflection of their soul. Right now my room is a big hot mess (that I occasionally want to light on fire). Everything I’ve ever purchased is looking straight at me with its beady little eyes. Judging me. (Yes, because Toy Story has managed to make me believe that everything comes to life when I look away. JUDGE ME!). I know they say it’s hard letting go but since I’m too afraid of arson (and since I live at home with my folks), lighting everything on fire is not an option. Things have to be done, things have got to change, and well that expensive Marc by Marc Jacobs dress that I paid $325 dollars for in 2006 and still haven’t worn, has got to go.

photo 1

Over stuffed closet, Cluster of accessories, the stack of unread recently purchased books, over congested magazine collection. Yup, be afraid.

This debt didn’t just happen overnight. It was slowly accumulating and I allowed it to happen. In this $26,000 dollar debt, I’ve realized a majority of it comes from impulsive buying. I don’t mean just impulse buying when the item is on sale (that happens too). I mean the emotional need to have things, just to have them. The “I’m having a bad day, I’m going to spend money” or the “I’m having a great day lets celebrate by buying this”. Truth of the matter is I am an emotional shopper. Everything in my room is there for the sake of pure emotion. I can pick up just about anything in my room and tell you when and why I bought said item.

You think I’m kidding.

In April of 2006 I purchased a friend of mine a rather expensive bottle of perfume. Marc Jacobs “Grass” Splash perfume which at the time retailed for $90 dollars. While getting her gift I managed to fall in love with Marc Jacobs “Cotton” Splash Perfume from the same collection. Instead of purchasing just the one bottle of perfume, I managed to pay for not only 1 expensive bottle of perfume but 2 rather expensive bottles of perfumes. Somewhere inside my head I thought “I’ve been working a lot, I deserve a new perfume”. That’s how the cycle starts. You start to see yourself buying something for someone and your own selfish greed takes over. I didn’t need that perfume. Putting in the emotion to buy it for someone else, caused me to believe I needed one too. I know I should have thought of a cheaper gift and in 2006 I was not in the head space (more on this in future posts) to even purchase such a luxurious gift but I did. That bottle of perfume is just one of the many countless stories and deductions of my bank account in my life. $180 dollars (plus tax) for two bottles of perfume, I could have easily purchased something else. I didn’t and well you get the general idea.

My $90 dollar investment. Marc Jacobs "Cotton". If you're wondering, it does smell heavenly.

My $90 dollar investment. Marc Jacobs “Cotton”. If you’re wondering, it does smell heavenly.

My closet is no exception. I can look up and down that closet and tell you where/what/ how/why, I bought every single item in my closet.

“Oh it was on sale”

“It was 50% off the entire store”

“I was having a bad day”

“THEY WERE HAVING A SALE”

and my personal favorite…

“I JUST HAD TOO”.

I just had too.

Now I just have to let all these things go. Carrie Bradshaw once said “I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet“. Well my money is doing nothing for me except gathering dust and collecting more debt. Letting go is hard. I know I’ve been there so many times through friendships, relationships, arguments, but material items? Can’t I just stay a little bit longer in my room of clutter? It’s just stuff right?

That’s my problem. I can say “let it go” to anyone and in reality, I’m coming home to a cluster of shit. Its this emotional graveyard of items from a time I can’t let go. That Marc by Marc Jacobs dress had a reason to be bought. Now looking at the dress it doesn’t seem so special as it once did. I haven’t worn it, it still has the price tag. What good is it doing the dress just hanging in the closet? Clothes should be worn to be seen not hidden in a wardrobe for the “maybe I should wear this” day.  Letting go is more then leaving everything behind.  Its saying goodbye to a part of our life; to the person we once were. The person that was so happy to buy the dress because she was having such a cruddy day. The person that bought that dress because this dress was going to change everything. The dress exuded happiness. Then the dress came home and all I was left with was buyers remorse. I had too much pride to take it back, so it sits in the closet waiting for the day to be alive. $325 dollars just accumulated more debt in my closet. Lovely.

Marc by Marc Jacobs "Crinkle" Dress. $325 Brand New with tags. I know I'm disgusting. UGH!

Marc by Marc Jacobs “Crinkle” Dress. $325 Brand New with tags. I know I’m disgusting. UGH!

Not anymore. It has to go. Everything. Anything with a price tag, anything I haven’t worn in a long time, anything I bought because of some emotional bullshit, ALL OF IT. Just have to let it go. Letting go is hard. It’s a cold saying but after getting rid of all the clutter can make way for bigger and better things (within my price range that is). Letting go can finally free me of this suffocation I feel for having so much crap. By letting go it finally releases all the emotional garbage left in the corpses of these material objects. With that I am going to let it go to everything. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING must go. I started boxing up magazines. Tearing apart my closet, my accessories, cleaning out my DVD collection. Instead of buying new books when they came out, I started finally reading the books I have stacked up. Honestly it sucks. It’s that itch you just want to scratch but can’t reach. I just want to buy things. If I have a bad day, I need to buy something. I just can’t bring myself to do it. After placing items for sale and giving things away, I finally realized something. It didn’t hurt anymore. The want for beautiful things will always be there. What can I say I love beautiful things but this need for things just stopped. I am finally able to let go of things I don’t need and never needed to begin with. Finally able to be okay with not having everything I want. While I mourn my former spend-a-holic life, I will continue to listen to “Let it Go” from the film Frozen for motivation. If only life were more like a Disney movie. Where I had a magic wand to change everything, a motivating song to empower me, and a fairy godmother to make me pretty gowns (tax free). Sadly my life is not a musical and Disney is a little too expensive for my tastes at the moment. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Lets sing and mourn together, shall we?

*packages were purchased before this budget saving makeover. DON’T GET IT TWISTED.

 

Closet Debt aka This is why I can’t have nice things. **

Marc Jacobs Splash Perfumes: $90
Marc by Marc Jacobs Crinkle Dress: $325
Brand New  items of clothing in closet with price tags: $1742
Unread books: $250
Brand new cosmetics: $150
Brand New DVD’s: $100
TOTAL: $2,407

**If anyone in interested in any of my clothes, feel free to ask me. I can cut you in on a deal.