new years eve

I think it’s time for us to have a toast..

2015, has come and gone.

We sit back and reflect on the year and look at how far we have come.

Have we come far enough?
Have we let go of ourselves?
Have we let go of our past and made our way into the future?

With each passing year, I hope for something better. I watch myself go into the new year with high hopes for the year. This year will be the year something changes. This year will be the year that everything happens. This year will be the year that I stop beating myself up about everything. This year I will finally be free to live my life. As the months go on, I find myself still doing the same thing. I watch myself hiding how I feel, to spare the feelings of others. I find myself still stuck in the same perdicament as always.

When does this change happen?
When will things happen for me?

The truth is I am afraid. Terrified, petrified of doing things alone. I am afraid of leaving the people I care about alone. I am terrified of failure, that it clouds my thoughts every day. Worst of all, I am afraid of letting everyone down. Letting people down would be my unhappiness, and I couldn’t bare to deal with the pain. I find myself wishing for things to change, and when they do I am frightened of the outcome. Every year I am not ready, every year I cloud my head with ideas of not being good enough. Not being what everyone wants and beating myself up over every little thing. Demons are funny little creatures that eat away at your positivity. No matter how many times people say to think differently, they eat away at your insides, and burrow deep into your soul. I have had my fair share of demons. Demons far too large to ever escape. As the seasons change, the demons come at you head on. 2015, was no exception.

2015 wasn’t a learning experience, it was a understanding period. Understanding that nobody is perfect, not my family and not my friends. The truth is nobody is perfect. I want to believe that. I want to believe that we are all flawed and fucked up, just trying to get by. When you’re hurting, you want to fix everyone else. You want to put your two cents in everyone’s life. Tell everyone everything they’re doing wrong, but  forget all the good they are doing right. Its in this fixing that you don’t feel alone. You feel as though you are helping someone, instead of facing your own issues. You become bitter about people that you start to despise them, and through that you begin to burn bridges. It’s not that you mean to do it, its that you’re upset that they can’t be perfect for you. They can’t be who you want them to be or who you know they could be. What I didn’t realize was focusing on other people’s problems wasn’t allowing me to focus on my own. I watched people come and go from my life but never noticed how angry I was. How hurtful of a person I could be. I didn’t realize that pain from my past was causing me to focus all the pain on someone else, other than myself. I spent years focusing and fixing other people, that I never bothered to try and fix myself.

As Spring was ending, I watched myself dig into a deep dark abyss. I watched a huge light switch inside of me turn off, and turn against everybody. I didn’t believe in friendship. I didn’t believe in family. I felt my insides turning themselves inside out, and watched how the days turned to nights, and how much I wanted to claw off my skin to show how I really felt. Thinking positively didn’t help. Changing my attitude just made it worse. I could hear happiness, I could hear love, but I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I knew it was my negativity that was pushing people away. It was my darkness that was turning people against me, and for once in my life, I didn’t care. I wanted to lose everything and everyone, before I had to let them go. Before they saw me for who I really was: a terrible, miserable, hateful person, that truly hated herself. The demons from the dark carried over to the daylight and I watched them turn me into someone I hated. Someone I loathed.

When you’ve reached the end, that’s when your beginning starts. I wanted to be alone and find a way to deal with my emotions. I realized the more alone I was, I started realizing who I really was. I wasn’t happy with the person I was, I wasn’t doing everything I wanted to do, and I wasn’t dealing with all my emotions as I should have done years ago. While the world was preaching to me about a positive mental attitude, I couldn’t produce it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, it wasn’t that I didn’t try, it was that I couldn’t see past the smoke I was making myself. I wanted to disappear, but found myself just sinking deeper into my depression. I had been forcing myself to be happy, when I was miserable inside. My fear of being alone became reality; I had let down so many people I didn’t know what to do. The weird thing happens when you disappear. The people you didn’t expect to help you, always help you out in the end. The people that are always there for you, give you space to heal and grow. It took me a long time to understand that, but I finally realized happiness cannot be forced. You have to feel happiness to believe its there. No matter how much you hide from sadness, you need sadness in order to appreciate joy. You need to be able to feel every inch of that hurt and that pain, to truly see how beautiful life really can be. I can’t hide from the pain as much as I would like to. I can’t pretend that pain doesn’t exist because it’s everywhere. I just have to understand that through all that pain, there is beauty. Through the beauty you find a tiny ounce of happiness. Maybe you won’t see it right away, but the day you are ready to embrace how you feel, you’ll get a tiny glimpse of it. It took me years to realize that by embracing my pain, I would find happiness inside of myself. That by accepting everyone for who they are, I could understand the flaws and imperfections of not just everyone by myself as well. People are always going to disappoint us, but sometimes they surprise us in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes the people you love the most will hurt you, and sometimes the people you kept at a distance will be there for you in ways that other people can’t. But 2015, wasn’t about changing, it was about understanding ourselves and the people we care about the most.

And I think it’s time for us to have a toast..

12/31/2015

12 Uvas de Ano Nuevo. 12 Grapes for New Year.

 

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12 Grapes of Destiny. SIKE. 12 Grapes/Uvas of the New Year. 2015

 

Every New Year’s Eve, it is customary in my household that we eat the 12 grapes of destiny at precisely 12am. Okay, they’re not reallllly called the 12 grapes of destiny. It’s basically an old superstition, that after consuming the 12 grapes (that represent each month of the year), that you make a wish for each grape (month). It is to ensure good luck into the upcoming year, along with many other superstitions. It’s a practice that we as a family have been doing for years.

While I am all for superstitions, I never really gave much thought to them. Most of my wishes always seemed far fetched. Just something to pass the time before everyone cheered to the new year.  Some realistic, some outrageous, and some just the same thing I ask every year. This year I wanted things to be different. I always had resolutions but wishes always seemed to run along the lines of Unicorns and Wizards (which are both AWESOME). While 2014 was my year of change (which I will get into on another post), 2015 is going to be the year of progress and productivity. It is rather cliché to say anything about resolutions but wishes?

Wishes are boss and I’m going to talk about what I wish for in the upcoming 12 months.

1. Travel.

Travel is always number 1 on my wish list. I believe travelling is one of the greatest experiences anyone can do in their lifetime.  It’s no surprise that I love to travel. In 2014 alone, I travelled to a few more places that I never imagined I would visit. Of course I visited my same sacred haunts but experiencing different places is always magical to me. Everyone needs to travel some place completely different and my wish for 2015 is to travel to different far off destinations. There is so much of the world that I want to explore and so many experiences I could only dream of discovering.

2. Get out of my Comfort zone. Try new things.

I am a creature of habit with a minor in insecurities. I have a tendency of doing only the things that won’t cause me any stress or anxiety. It’s really hard at times to get out of my comfort zone, when my comfort zone is very comfy. Over the course of 2014, I slowly started dipping my toes out of my comfort zone. I don’t mind trying new things but I’m so used to my routine that I never stray away from it. 2015 will be the year of trying new things and putting a full foot out of my comfort zone.

3. Stop making Excuses.

Here’s the thing. I make an excuse for everything. I’m good at making excuses. If you need help getting out of any situation, call me and I will make up an excuse for you.  It’s just what I do to get out of anything. It’s absolutely terrible but I can’t help myself but do it. For the past couple of years I have made excuses for everything, this year 2015, it stops. I’m tired of making up excuses. I am tired of delaying progress. This is the year that things happen, instead of making an excuse as to why it didn’t happen.

4. Be Healthy.

This ties into #3. I am the most unhealthy person. I know my young hot body will fool you, but I’m severely unhealthy. While I am not as bad as I used to be, I’m still not where I need to be. I make up excuses as to why am I not being active and most of them (okay ALL of them) are lies. It’s part laziness and part fear, and a huge part of just one big excuse of not wanting to do it. 2015 is the year that the excuses stop, and the getting healthy begins. While I know that I will never be some crazy health nut,  I just want to get to the point that I feel better. I have been the most unkind to my body, and it’s about time I started treating it right.

5. Stop being negative. Stop hating.

One of my most unhealthy qualities is being negative. I am my own worst enemy. It doesn’t stop with how I treat myself but my opinions of others. Instead of being positive, I find myself just being downright mean. I don’t know what causes me to do, but it happens all the time. I should be more positive. I should  stop caring about what other people do and start focusing on my own life. I’ve spent years just nitpicking everyone that it’s driven me to be a hater. I love talking shit but hate when the shit talking comes back to me. Who am I to judge people? Honestly, I am nobody. I don’t have my life together, I am not any close to where I need to be, and still I sit and judge people. On top of it all, I handicap my own life with my negativity. Instead of being proactive with my life, I sit and dwell on my own personal bullshit. Time to stop being negative and stop being a hater.

6. Get my life together.

I wish for this every year. Every year something happens and just when I think I’ve gotten ahead, I fall 17 steps back. Stop spending time wishing and start doing. I have spent the past few years just going through the motions when I should have been saving, planning, doing. Last year was an awakening. I don’t just need to get my life together, I will get my life together. I have been waiting for people for years, when I should have been doing things for myself. This is my life and I can’t wait around for opportunities anymore. Once I see an opportunity, I need to start taking them.

7. Letting go of people.

This blog has been my dedication of letting things go. There are some things I can’t stop holding on to. I have a problem with letting people go. The people that have hurt me, the people that have used me, and even friendships with people that haven’t been around for me. I hold on to these people in the hopes that they will change. That somehow they will comeback and be a good friend to me. Truth is as much as I expect people to change, most people don’t. Everyone is on their own hustle and as much as I am happy for their hustle, it leaves me in the dust. I’m tired of being everyone’s “break in case of emergency” friend. I am tired of waiting around for people that will never change. On top of that, I am tired of putting the effort for  people that don’t put the smallest effort for me. I understand that friendships work both ways, but why am I always the person to have to contact people? Why do I care more about a friendship when other people don’t? This year, I just need to let those people go. Stop with communications, stop putting out the effort, and eventually stop being a friend. I know who my friends are and I am content with that.

8. The Great Outdoors.

Here’s something you may or may not know about me. I hate being outside. Unless being outside revolves around a BBQ, baseball game, or outdoor mall, I just can’t do it. I realized after a lifetime hiatus of not being an outdoors person, I needed to go outdoors more. I needed to be one with nature, see the sights, and of course be outdoors. While I still get a tiny anxiety being outside, I know that in the end it will do me some good. Sunshine is good for you right? So, I’ve heard.

9. Be kinder to myself.

I am my worst critic. I have done everything and anything to hurt my body. It’s taken years to fully appreciate my progress and be in love with my body. Not only my body, but be in love with myself. I am always clouded by other people’s judgments or even my own insecurities. I have a hard time understanding that everything is a work in progress. I may not be 100% the person I want to be but I have to be okay with the journey.

10. More conversation, less social media.

I love social media. I love social media for the aspect that people get a personal glimpse into my life that they seldom ever get. My problem is I rely too much on social media that I forget to have real conversations with people. Social media has increased my anxiety around people and decreased my level of interaction. If I am uncomfortable in a situation, I text someone. If I am insecure about something, I fidget with my phone and take pictures. I have such a hard time interacting with people that I turn to social media to help me interact with people. While social media has helped with meeting new people, it hasn’t helped me talk with people in real life. I told myself I was going to start being more involved. While I will still be on social media, I will take more time to talk to people. More real conversations with real people. Less small talk and more real talk.

11. Read more Books.

As many know, I have a problem with spending. Therefore, I tend to spend on millions of things. Some of those  millions of things, happen to be books. I can’t tell you how many piles of books I have. Books, I have started. Books, I am half way through. Books, I haven’t even started. 2014, I made it my goal to read 10 books before the new year. I was very proud when I realized I had read 12 books, 2 more than my quota! YAY ME! However, I also purchased 10 more books (I KNOW but I said I was “Getting my life together” OKAY!). We will see where this goes. Hopefully, I will finish all the books, as well as the books that still need to be finished. 15 books for 2015? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

12. Learn more about my culture.

If you don’t already know, I am of Mexican descent. For the past couple of years, I have made it my mission to learn more things about my culture. Whether it be about my own family history, learning about Mexico’s history, or even learning to cook different recipes. More importantly, I want to learn more about my family. I have a very large family on both my mother and my father side, I want to learn as much as I can from each member of the family. I want to see life through different people’s perspective. I want to get to know my family both culturally, as well as personally. There’s so much you miss out on with family living in another county. Which is the reason why I want to learn as much as I can from family. What better way to get to know your culture then by your own family, right?

 

These are my wishes for the upcoming 2015 year. I intended to make this list more realistic than I have in years. Things I can make come true and accomplish in reality. 2015 will be my year of progress and productivity. I will be more creative this year, I will go on more adventures, and I will fully let things go. 2015 feels different from all the other years. It’s a year of getting things done!!

Here’s to a brand spanking new year and well wishes for 2015!