old friendships

Vindictive.

vin·dic·tive: having or showing a strong or unreasoning desire for revenge.

The other day a good friend of mine called me “Vindictive”, over a situation that was beyond my control. To sound vague, I am just going to state the situation is not that important. Truth is I never truly stated what really happened. Nor, am I going to start. Some battles are just easier to let go and others were just not a battle to begin with. It’s human nature to crave the drama, to love the dramatics of people’s actions. If we are being truly honest with ourselves, sometimes people are not meant to be friends. Instead of finding myself and putting myself in a position of being immature, I just refused to say anything. I could have just let the word go. Brush it out of my mind, but being who I am I haven’t. I find myself repeating the word and asking myself if I really am being vindictive.

I am not trying to draw attention to any particular situation. Life is crazy sometimes and people will always make their own assumption of things. There are some moments in my life I wish I could be vindictive. I wish I could be really mean and say everything I feel inside. I could spew out the same hate and mistreatment that others have thrown on me. None of which would make me feel any better. I could be really mean if I wanted to be. I could act out every dramatic scenario known to mankind, but I wouldn’t. I could be upset about various things that go on in my life or I can just take everything with a grain of salt. Even by saying nothing, I still come out like a villain. Childish, immature, and of course vindictive.

In the course of a few months, my life has changed. With life changes come friendship changes. I don’t blame anyone. As much as I would like to be angry, no one is to blame. Life happens and no matter how much you want to escape it, its coming toward you full speed ahead. No one tells you that when you’re growing up, your friendships change. In the process of being grown up, you lose people that meant the absolutely world to you. Nothing malicious, nothing mean, just life continues to go on. The truth is sometimes people are meant to be in your life for a limited time and as much as everyone loves a great juicy story, there isn’t one to tell. It hurts to have to come to that realization. Sometimes you grow out of your friendships and sometimes you see friendships for what they truly were. A great time in your life that you needed and sadly have to move on from.

You can’t stop people from believing what they want to believe. As much as you want to you can’t stop people from leaving. Reality is there is nothing left to say. All the dramatics I want to throw out are  just my emotions seeping through. It’s just my sadness trying to make sense of growing out of friendships. People grow up eventually and sometimes you out grow your friendships. Sometimes I want to say everything I feel in my heart, but there really is nothing left to say. I am allowing people to believe what they want to believe.

Maybe I am vindictive. Maybe I am a little hurt and angry. That’s growing up. If you’re not losing friendships, you’re not growing up.

I guess this is growing up.

 

Distance.

I am seeing ghosts in the places where people used to be. The fog comes for people quickly leaving behind their bodies but taking with them their soul and bones. I wonder how much of what you believe, you believe for yourself. Leaving behind your wounded and settling ashore. I could tell you everything. Anything you wanted to hear. Now I sit and watch a ghost of you, mimic your same thoughts.

What did I do to merit all this silence?
What did I do to lose all your mistrust?

I could ask myself a thousand questions but never get a single answer. How generic our thoughts become once we start to lose someone. How simple our responses once we’ve lost it all. The world is filled with busy movers and shakers. Filled with replacements ready to take our place. But I’m too afraid of the dark to see you gone. To afraid of ghosts and their spirits that linger after. I am sorry, I couldn’t be who you wanted me to be. I am sorry, that I disappointed you just as the others did. Maybe it was foolish to believe that we could live forever. Instead I am living with all the ghosts you left and the memories after.

If I could take everything back I would. Anything to bring back what we had before. Everything that made the imperfections perfect. The responses realistic. Anything to take away the generically calculated conversations. Anything to take away the awkwardness of today and tomorrow. I can’t bring you back, if you don’t want to try. I can’t asks ghosts to bring back the dead, once they’ve already left. I can’t ask people to stay with me, once they’re already miles away. All this distance just to find a peace of mind. All this mystery just to prove that what you’ll miss is what you always took advantage of. Saying sorry is better than saying goodbye. Goodbye would mean this would be over and sorry proves that maybe there’s just one last chance.

Just one last chance, before you go completely.

I promise, I’ll change.
I promise, I’ll be better to you.
I promise, I’ll stop being so fucking selfish because all that really matters is you.

I am sorry.

1/22/2012