radiohead

How to Disappear Completely.

I want to disappear.

Disappear into the mist of a haunting song. Be lost in the melody and forgotten between the bars. I am not there, I am not anywhere. I want to race toward the dark and hide within the sounds of sorrowing goodbyes.

I do this to myself. I do this on my own. I am not there. If you saw me, you wouldn’t see right through me. If you saw me, I wouldn’t need to disappear.

I watch the memories tarnish and turn shades of bronze. I watch people come and go as they please and burn themselves brightly in the sun. But I am not there. I watch myself drop beneath the shallow graves into the ground. I watch as one by one of my scars open up slowly. I am bleeding turning black and blue, but you don’t see me. I’ll be gone before you know it. I’ll be gone before the words reach you.

I am crystal clear in the sunlight days, but now I bleed black and blue. If only I could outstretch my arms to the skies and reach straight to the stars. If only I could pretend that a little light is better than no light at all. Slowly I sink beneath the hollow ground beneath the earth and silently turn to dust.

I am not there.
I am disappearing.
I am leaving.

Gone.

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7/10/2015

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You are my center when I spin away.

It’s the nights that keep you wondering. Your thoughts that manage to keep you up at night. No matter how many times you toss and you turn, you just can’t keep the images out. The same people, different faces. The same words, different spaces. This recurring deja vu that haunts you when you sleep. You pick the darkest of the nights to disappear from the world. Fall beneath the cracks and you grab only what you need.

Hit play.
Press Repeat.

You play that song. That one song that you lose everything to. That one that keeps the screams inside, keeps the madness and even the demons at bay. The melody hits, hums and you synchronize your breathing to it. You slowly disappear into the music. Reciting every line by memory and falling deeper inside the melody. The words hit you colder than any winter wind could. You embrace it. All you want is to run away. Running away into the night and fall deeper into the darkness. Watching the mist of the cold swallow you whole and watch yourself disappear. In the darkness is where you leave the worry, the sadness and even the regret. You release all the fears, mistakes and even all the madness you can’t get out in waking day. Lies you continue to tell yourself and for one brief moment you are free. The morning comes and it all disappears. The light washes away the darkness and a new day is upon us. All you have left of the night is the same song you repeat to yourself. The same melody haunts your memories as a soundtrack to your dreams.

No matter how many times you’ve heard that song, it helps you through the day. The lines that stick like second skin to your soul. The melody that transports you to different places and different times. You remember the sadness of being broken and the happiness of being loved. It all disappears the moment the song ends and you can’t help but restart. You love how it haunts you but you hate how it leaves you. Not broken, not sad, just closed off from the world and the people that don’t understand. No one understands this song better than you. Nobody. Then you fall even deeper than you did before.

Slowly you start feeling better. Slowly you find yourself listening to that song less. It’s there when you need it, right where you left it. Only to return when you need it the most. When you’re heart is heavy and you can’t help but fall back to that point. When your mind starts to wonder to the past, the present and even your sick twisted visions of the future. It will be there. Just where you left it. Waiting.

And it will be okay.

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