real life

Life Support.

I’ve been sleeping with the lights on.

When you love somebody enough, they could never leave you. If you push, I’ll just pull you back in. Anything to bring you back to me. Illuminate this darkness I feel washing over me. Take away all this shame and desperation. I need this comfort in knowing after all this time, we could be fine. Through the storms that turn to hurricanes. I wish I could tell you that breathing gets easier after the fog fades. I wish I had all the words to say to make you come back, but all that is mystified illusions that never existed.

I spent a lifetime relying on people. The wrong people, the right people, what does it matter. They became a crutch that helped guide me through the unknown. I am fixated on the idea that these people are the only people that understand me. They’re perfect and untouchable, everything I wish I could be. Nothing can hurt us. Placed high on these pedestals, untouchable perfection. There are cracks in your armor. Cracks in the foundations from which you stand upon. Still I would break myself before you broke. I would patch up every crack in your armor. Anything to make you better, anything to make you love me.

There’s a method to my madness
It’s clear that you don’t have a clue

The cuts they heal. The bruises they fade. The words are nothing but a lingering memory I could never escape. False hope and sweet desperations. Exasperated expectations that would never come true. I am holding on to the last bit of string that connects us. The string keeps this illusion connected between us.  I can’t hold on any longer. I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt when it does. Pretending that my scabs can easily heal into scars. You were the deepest cut, the biggest bruise, and still I wanted everything then nothing from you.

This is my world, this is my choice
And you’re the drug that gets me through

All I have left is this string that connects us. I am ready to let go now.

03/12/2008

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9/13/2015 – Day Twenty – Five.

I have a problem with follow through. I get excited over a variety of different ideas and then because of my own laziness, I become dissatisfied with finishing. I hated school, so I became terrible at it. I hated my peers, so I avoid them every chance I get. I start things with intentions of being creative and watch things fall through the cracks of my life.

There is nothing wrong in having ideas. The sad reality of executing them is where the problems lie.  I always feel like I am on the verge of the next big idea. I write about it, I talk about it, obsessed over it and before long, I grow tired of it. Tired to the point of no return. Its gotten to the point that I don’t think people believe in my ideas anymore. I’ve talked about things, overhyped ideas and before long I just stop talking about it. There’s something inside that always stops me and then I completely stop the whole process. I never finish what I start. I have blogs that have been forgotten. I have books that have been read but never finished. A million things I’ve started and slowly haven’t been finish for what ever emotional reason. I find myself trying to find distractions, instead of finishing what I started.

All these distractions become clutter in my life. Objects, places and things that I just want to get rid of. I watch time go through the hour glass, and know at any moment all of this could be over. I don’t have much time anymore. Everyone around me is finding their place in life, and I am still stuck here with my ideas. I am still stuck trying to figure out what the hell I really want. I made this mistake in thinking that I had all this time. This belief that I would be young forever and eventually everything would fall in to place. No one tells you how hard everything really is once you get older. Maybe I should stop being distracted and start fucking doing something with my life. Maybe instead of keeping all these ideas, I should start doing something about it.

Who knows.

I’ll just wait for the next distraction.

8/28/2015 – Day Fourteen.

The past few weeks I’ve been wanting to do things differently. Change how I do things, change how I feel inside. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to put on a new shirt and feel good. Do my hair, get dressed and go about my day. Look out of windows and not wish to be somewhere else. Being in a different place cures your feeling of wanderlust. Today looking out the window, I don’t miss people, places, or things. To be alone with your thoughts is already a lonely place. Today I didn’t feel as alone as I felt before. Today, I got dressed, put on a new shirt, and felt differently. Normal things that people do everyday, that felt hard for me to do these past few months.  Today, felt different then when I first arrived here. Today, felt like a new day, a starting over point. As the switch turned off to change my emotions, I watched as it turned back on to start mine over.

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I have had such a love/hate relationship with my body but today I didn’t pay attention to those thoughts. I put on a new shirt and shut down those insecurities. Insecurities that manage to stay with me in the day that would last throughout the dark. I want to be honest with people as they feel inclined to be toward me. I want to speak louder than a mumble when I talk. I want to wear a new shirt and not feel guilt about how I feel or look. Accept changes as they come forth toward me. Cut through everyones bullshit, even if it’s just my own. I watch people from the street and notice they don’t care as much as I do. If I could read their minds and see how they tick. If they can scream on the streets, so can I. If they can be so forward with their emotions, so can I. I often wonder how did I become self conscious about my way of being. About my way of life, about where I’ve come from, about everything. Most days I feel like I am gearing up for war and other days I just don’t feel like fighting. I think about the past couple of days, this need to disappear completely. I wondered when was the right or wrong time. I thought about life and death and everything that comes after. I sat and cried and then realized that things can’t hurt anymore, but why do things continue to haunt me. It’s easy to think that in an instant all these feelings could go away. But people don’t realize it’s a process. It will take me longer to get there. It will take years to heal but what does anyone really care. We want shortcuts into feelings and shortcuts into getting rich, but that’s just me.

Today I put on my shirt just like everyone else. I put on my war paint and gracefully went into the battle. Life can be beautiful but on most days it feels like a battlefield and I am not sure if I want to live or die anymore.

The struggle is real.

Let me be honest.

Okay, seriously. All I am doing is being honest.

Saving money, paying off debts, you know BEING RESPONSIBLE is not the business. Sure being responsible is all about your ability to function as an adult. Sometimes being a responsible adult is not all it’s cracked up to be. All you want to really do is be reckless and spend money. Those new kicks, you want them. Rolex watch, you want one. Alexander McQueen scarf, you want 2 of them. Trip to the south of France, you want to go to there. The truth is everything that requires having fun costs money. As much as every single media outlet can say you don’t need money to have a good time, most of the time they are lying. Who wants to go outside and chill at the park? Be outside, be one with nature? Please…. I have allergies and find great joy in the confides of my indoor spaces.

Why is it whenever there’s things that I enjoy or want to do, everything costs money? Baseball games, movies, shopping, food… everything costs money! Everything is taunting me and everything is asking for me to have a good time. For every dollar I save, there’s a sale at my favorite store. For every day that I don’t get coffee, I am 1 star away from a free drink. How is any of this fair? It’s not fair! It’s fair to the people who have the money saved and can afford to splurge. However to the millions of us in debt, it’s nothing more than a huge temptation that we can’t help but dive into. For the past couple of months I have cut my spending in half. I stopped buying clothes, accessories, and focused on everything I really needed. I literally went through my closet and pulled out everything with price tags and anything I haven’t worn in over a year. Just my way of truly cleansing my life. HOWEVER just because I cut expenses doesn’t mean I stop spending. The misconception of  budgeting is sometimes you spend money before you can truly save money. While I have cut a majority of my spending, I still find myself reliving my old vices which causes me to spend money.

This problem goes back to emotional spending. The spending of money because I’m having a moment. It doesn’t really matter the moment, good or bad the spending happens. Instead of going to the store and buying myself something nice, I’ll buy myself a nice lunch. Sometimes even splurge and get my nails done. Something. Anything that will curb that need to over spend. How ever what I am not thinking about is that everything adds up. The whole point of budgeting is to cut costs on unnecessary items. In the course of the past couple of months I have managed to save over $800 dollars by cutting costs on everything. However in those same past couple of months I have also managed to blow through the $800 dollars I have saved. Whether it be psychological or emotional or just someone voodooing me, I just cannot save money. For every $100 dollars I manage to save, I find 100 different ways to spend it. For every $250 dollars I put toward my debt, I find a way to spend the money. I am not sure whether its the notion that I think I am not spending any money but reality is I am still being careless with my spending.

My problem is I have a problem saying NO. Its easy to say No to things I don’t care for, things I don’t want to do. Yet how do I say No to the things I want to do. If a friend invites me out and it’s something I want to do, how do I say NO to that? How do I say No to Life? <-Okay that’s my problem. That right there. I don’t have the money to live the life. Which in turn makes the struggle real. Of course I want to do the things I love. However I don’t have the money to spend to live the life I am accustomed too. Honestly I never could afford to live the life I am accustomed to which is the reason I am in debt. NO BRAINER. I get it.

The Breakdown of my spending goes as follows:

I make roughly $16/hr. Which makes my paycheck around $530 (after taxes).

A breakdown of my current weekly expenses:

Gas: $50-$60
Mom (paying off debts guys!!): $100
WellsFargo: $150
Savings: $100
TOTAL:  $400 a week

A breakdown of unnecessary expenses:

Lunch: $10 a day (5 times a week)
Coffee: $5 a day (6 days a week)
Random Dinners: $25 (at least once a week)
TOTAL: $105 (a week)

Breakdown Totals:

$400 expenses
$104 unnecessary expenses
TOTAL:  $503 (a week)

Grand Totals:

$530 Check
-$503 Expenses
TOTAL Left over:  $27       <-This is why I can’t have nice things

Somewhere in my warped mind, I believe that food is not an expense. Food to me is a necessity, we need it to survive. Yes, I need that $5 dollar coffee to live my life. I also need the $2 dollar croissant, that’s made with real butter as well.   Seeing that my food is there a minute and gone the next (since I have no self control and tend to scarf my meals down), I don’t consider it an expense. While the only thing to even showcase the evidence of my food spending is the countless napkins lining the passenger side of my car (I should really work on that).  Not to mention my bank account drained because of my lack of self control. The main problem of my spending and not being able to save money is for every $100 I put toward a debt, I spend it. The $5 dollar coffee that I consider a necessity, adds up.  For every $100 dollars I save, I use my card for my expenses. Every time I use my card, I’m spending more than my fair share of money on that card. Since I spend the money on that card, I put what I have in savings toward that card. Which in turn drains my savings and therefore, I’m right back where I have started from.

No money, still problems.

Truth of the matter is all of that is an unnecessary expense. Do I really need to be eating out everyday? Do I really need a coffee every day and it’s delicious buttery croissant? Of course not. I don’t need it. I want it, but I don’t need it. If I could be really honest, I am just lazy. Lazy to make a lunch every day, lazy to make a coffee every day, lazy to function. My laziness is making me broke. My laziness is why I am in this mess in the first place. While I do applaud myself for finding alternative methods to deal with emotion, I’m still finding ways to spend money. The point of not spending money is to do just that. DON’T SPEND MONEY. I understand that’s the whole point of being an adult is being responsible for your well being. Seeing your mistakes and growing from them. Just on some occasions being an adult doesn’t really cut it, you grow restless and become reckless. I get it. I’ve done it. Now I’m just at the point where, “Man I’d just like to see my money”. Its like everyone says, we all gotta start somewhere. Shoot even Brian McKnight started “Back at one” right? So these are my pitfalls, reasons, and honest accounts of why I do not have money. This is also the reason why I can’t hang. Budgeting money is not easy. Being responsible is also not easy nor is it any fun. However to come up on top, you gotta struggle, you gotta fall, and then eventually everything will work out in the end. Everything in it’s right place.

But for real though this struggle is as real as you and me.

*SOBS*