running away

I tried to drink it away.

I tried to drink it away.

I can’t stop thinking about that line.

It’s a haunting reminder of a past and the person that goes with it. Who I am, who I was, and everything in between. But the way the words linger, I can’t stop hearing over and over.

If I could drink it away, I would. Every last drop. Every thing to keep this memory from forming a nostalgic image in my romanticized past. Everything through rose colored glasses. Everything blurry, messy, vile and perfect.

All I have are memories. The late nights in crowded rooms. The cigarettes I’ve smoked. The countless men I have kissed, just to wish it away. The countless times I tried to drink it away. Nothing worked. Even sitting here going over lines in my head, I can’t keep it away.

I rub my hands together in nervous energy. Running the fingers down the palms of my hands. Thinking of a million things. People I have longed to forget. Everything just keeps coming back. If I say everything out loud it just puts words into the atmosphere. It makes the names disappear but the faces remain. When all I want is to do it take this pain away.

I drink to forget. I drink to let go. I hold the bottle close and wish this away. Years will pass eventually and the nostalgia of you will disappear. Until then, I continue to drink these feelings away. Putting out words in the atmosphere until you disappear completely.

I am going to let you go.
One drink at a time.

 

San Francisco, CA
January 21, 2009
#thisishowIletgo

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Leaving.

I want to go to places where no one knows my name. Where no one knows my past. Where I can sit in silence and glance up at the stars. Runaway to the mountains to oceans to land, as far away as I can see. Keep my voice silent, keep myself still.

Anywhere, but here.

Take mental photographs of everywhere I go. Keep everything on the inside. Run away from faces, shapes, and time. Believe that only what is in front of me is what truly exists. I want to breathe in so deeply my heart trembles and my lungs fill every empty space with long lasting air. Feel the clean air absorb my lungs and slowly awaken my soul. Take a car ride to an unfamiliar place and be silent with the world. Where no one knows my secrets and no one tells me lies. I am running out of time with people. I am running out of time with myself.

Can I run away instead of staying in one place? It’s always better to be someone else, somewhere else.

I want to drink away these sorrows, wash away these feelings. Take away everything that’s caused me all this pain. Believe that not all good people do terrible things. If I run away from this, I will be running away forever. Running away from the pain that always follows and haunts my every step. But I can’t leave this place I called home. I can’t leave from the problems that will continue to follow. If I stay completely still these feelings will wash away from me forever. Just for a little bit, just for a little while.

Leaving.

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