sam smith

Life Support.

I’ve been sleeping with the lights on.

When you love somebody enough, they could never leave you. If you push, I’ll just pull you back in. Anything to bring you back to me. Illuminate this darkness I feel washing over me. Take away all this shame and desperation. I need this comfort in knowing after all this time, we could be fine. Through the storms that turn to hurricanes. I wish I could tell you that breathing gets easier after the fog fades. I wish I had all the words to say to make you come back, but all that is mystified illusions that never existed.

I spent a lifetime relying on people. The wrong people, the right people, what does it matter. They became a crutch that helped guide me through the unknown. I am fixated on the idea that these people are the only people that understand me. They’re perfect and untouchable, everything I wish I could be. Nothing can hurt us. Placed high on these pedestals, untouchable perfection. There are cracks in your armor. Cracks in the foundations from which you stand upon. Still I would break myself before you broke. I would patch up every crack in your armor. Anything to make you better, anything to make you love me.

There’s a method to my madness
It’s clear that you don’t have a clue

The cuts they heal. The bruises they fade. The words are nothing but a lingering memory I could never escape. False hope and sweet desperations. Exasperated expectations that would never come true. I am holding on to the last bit of string that connects us. The string keeps this illusion connected between us.  I can’t hold on any longer. I can’t keep pretending that it doesn’t hurt when it does. Pretending that my scabs can easily heal into scars. You were the deepest cut, the biggest bruise, and still I wanted everything then nothing from you.

This is my world, this is my choice
And you’re the drug that gets me through

All I have left is this string that connects us. I am ready to let go now.

03/12/2008

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In the lonely hour.

I lie awake between when the hours turn from PM to AM, thinking, wondering, pondering, inviting. All these thoughts in all their splendored glory. These images of reality mixed in with make believe. Heroes, saints, villains and sinners, everywhere and in-between. When you feel that hope has lost, you reach out for a connection. Reach out to feel something, anything from this wretched feeling that you have consumed yourself with. It aches in your soul straight through to your heart. From the moment you tap your fingertips against your chest, waiting for something to revive you from this feeling.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, That we all go through

There are things you do when you’re lonely that you would never do with a sane mind. Your mind and judgement turn off, you roam the world as an insane person would. You enclose yourself to all this loneliness. Believing the wrong people, trusting the sinners, and knowing very well that every last bit of this is wrong. Its this hurt that is eating up your insides. This sickening pain that you want to drown out to feel whole again. You trust these people because you have nothing left to give. At any given moment, someone will come save your from yourself. Save you from these feelings that you’ve become so clouded with. These illusions that letting the right one in would be your salvation. Bring forth the one person that will save me from this loneliness. Bring forth the person that will in turn save me from myself.

I need someone, That I’ll look to,
In the lonely hour, I need you

All it takes is one person to save us from ourselves. One person to turn all the dark clouds into sunlight that illuminates our path to salvation. We all need a little help sometimes. One person to dry the tears and sweep us off our feet. We believe in words before we believe in actions. All it takes is 3 words and 8 letters to bring you back to life. 3 words and 8 letters to show that you mean something to someone. You could take everything away from my life. Take away all the material things. Take away all the glamour of this life. The only thing that I want in this life is someone to take away all this loneliness. All I need is you, not someone like you.

When there’s a wistful silence, In an empty room,
These other voice’s, They don’t cut through,
In the lonely hour, I need you

I’ve spent nights believing in this knight that would come and save me from myself. That would wipe away the tears from the lovers prior and erase all the scars from my own self destruction. I’ve waited and in return let these legions of broken people consume my time and affection. It’s not love because love wouldn’t hurt this much. Love wouldn’t allow this feeling to continue to last. I just need this pain to stop this hurt inside my heart. Stop this ache that I feel in my chest, deep down to my soul. I can’t keep reaching out to a person that doesn’t exist. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to save me from myself. I just need to rely on me. In this lonely hour, I can’t help myself. In the lonely hour, I need you.

I need you.

6/14/2011

Stay with me.

stay with me

 

There was this desperation to have you. Even if it meant risking everything. If it meant lying to everyone, including myself, I just wanted you. I stopped loving you a long time ago, but I hate to lose. And I was always losing. You see it was always a game. This game between us to see who could put up with the most. I didn’t give two fucks about you, but I wanted you. I didn’t need you, I wanted you.

No it’s not a good look
Gain some self control

It’s was a push and pull and at times it didn’t feel like a game. Most times it felt like we were worlds apart. I wanted different things but you are always what I was certain of.  I look back now and realized it was all a game. Just a stupid fucking game, and I hated to lose.  We were comfortable leaving, when all I really wanted was an excuse to stay. I ran out of excuses and the desperation weighed in. I could have lied until I was blue in my face to make you stay. To make your decisions change, all to prove this point that I was right and you were always wrong.

And deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My heart couldn’t pretend any longer. The more I pushed the more I begged for you to pull me back. To you this was all just one silly game and I was on the outside begging to play. It was easy for you to leave and all I wanted was for you to stay. This desperation, this need to have you, was just to hide my loneliness from the masses. Maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe it wasn’t what I deserved but still I wanted everything you threw at me. It’s amazing the things we put our heart through in this desperation to be loved and desired. Thats all I could have ever wanted. This feeling of being wanted and loved. This feeling of curing my loneliness and fighting back the tears of being alone.

I don’t want you to leave
Will you hold my hand

Even if this hurts. Even if it makes us miserable. Even if this never works out. Stay. Stay with me, until the feeling comes back. Stay with me, until I find someone new. Give me a reason to believe this game was worth it. A reason to believe that all this push and pull was worth it. Stay. Stay with me until the loneliness disappears. If only for a moment. If only until my heart puts itself back together. Stay.

Won’t you, stay with me.

Please.

7/2/2009 1400101510972c8-original-1