I want to go to places where no one knows my name. Where no one knows my past. Where I can sit in silence and glance up at the stars. Runaway to the mountains to oceans to land, as far away as I can see. Keep my voice silent, keep myself still.
Anywhere, but here.
Take mental photographs of everywhere I go. Keep everything on the inside. Run away from faces, shapes, and time. Believe that only what is in front of me is what truly exists. I want to breathe in so deeply my heart trembles and my lungs fill every empty space with long lasting air. Feel the clean air absorb my lungs and slowly awaken my soul. Take a car ride to an unfamiliar place and be silent with the world. Where no one knows my secrets and no one tells me lies. I am running out of time with people. I am running out of time with myself.
Can I run away instead of staying in one place? It’s always better to be someone else, somewhere else.
I want to drink away these sorrows, wash away these feelings. Take away everything that’s caused me all this pain. Believe that not all good people do terrible things. If I run away from this, I will be running away forever. Running away from the pain that always follows and haunts my every step. But I can’t leave this place I called home. I can’t leave from the problems that will continue to follow. If I stay completely still these feelings will wash away from me forever. Just for a little bit, just for a little while.
We all want what we can’t have. People that don’t deserve us. People that we don’t deserve. Anyone, anything, and all of the above. If I could be anyone else, I would. Anyone then what you see before you. Even good people want to be bad. Good people want all the characteristics of a good time. Tracing our fingertips on the brink of madness. Wanting to take away all our sadness. Anything with anyone different then what we are used too.
I hear music when I should be hearing you. Listening to the sounds take over the words that come out of your mouth. Even if I see you, I always want someone else. Even if you give me everything I want, I want something more. And I don’t deserve any of it. I am pretending to be what you want me to be, because even you want something you can’t forget. I don’t want you, for I am always pretending you’re someone else. Someone that can take me away from this lonely sense of feeling. Become the music that drags me out of my body and beats into my soul. You’ll always be someone else, someone that I would rather see. Someone that I could spend all these lonely nights and take away this aching pain.
You’re the distraction that gives me what I want, when I want it. Even in the nights when I am reaching out to you, its someone else I am reaching out to touch. We all want what we can’t have. We all pretend to be people we want to who ever will see us. If you want me to pretend to be someone else, I will. Because being someone else is easier than being who I really am. Because deep down I am rotten, deep down I am broken but with you, I can be who ever you want me to be. You don’t see me, you only see what I want you to see. Someone else that makes you feel free. Someone that fills the space until you get everything you want, from everyone you want.
You don’t really want me. You want this illusion of me. This belief that one day you could learn to love me. Hear my words and fall in love all over again. It’s never me you want. That is never who I am. What you want and what you have, are never the same thing. Because I want someone and settle for you. I want something and pretend with you. But even I can play that game too. Everybody wants everybody else. You want me as much as I think I need you. I never need you. I’ll always be wanting someone else.