staying

Do I stay or Do I go?

I am a creature of habit. I have my same routines and abide by them as the days go. It’s human nature to seek comfort in others, and in the surroundings of people. Some days I just keep to myself. Alone in my surroundings and alone in my thoughts. I find myself getting older and seeking comfort in doing things on my own and slowly retreating into my home to do nothing. People have a funny way of frightening me, so I refrain from human contact until I see fit for me.

We are all getting older. My peers, my family and my friends, we’re all growing up and growing into our own lives. I used to seek comfort in legions of friends, now I can’t pick up the phone to call them. It’s not that I don’t care, its that we are all on our own different paths. Different paths for different walks of life. When you’re younger you believe that your friends will be there forever. That every milestone your friendships will withstand the testaments of time. Then you see as the same people you confided in, stop talking to you for reasons beyond your control. In a way, you’re not growing up if you’re not losing some aspects of your friendships. As much as it hurts, you can’t stop life from happening. You can’t stop this evolution from occurring in your day to day life.

I find myself still holding down the anchor of my hometown. Staying to wait for people that will never return. Watching people come and go as they fit please. People who said they’d never change to become polar opposites of themselves. Or maybe that’s who they have always been. Who knows. I just don’t have the time to wait around expecting things to happen, that were never going to happen to begin with. Now I am left at this crossroads of who I am and who I am suppose to be. Do I stay and wait the testaments of time? Or do I go and start my life a new?

The more I wander the more I want to pack every last bit of myself into boxes. Leave this town and the last of the memories that I carry with me. Leave and never tell a single soul about my whereabouts. I am tired of sitting around and watching everyone else’s life pass me by. I am tired of everyone taking advantage of me and expecting me to follow their lead. This isn’t who I was suppose to be. This isn’t where I am suppose to be. I am ready for everything to change and to be some place else. All of my excuses have expired. All of my resources have dried out. The only thing I know is that when I leave, no one will follow. Maybe it’s for the best but leaving is easier than staying in one place where nothing happens.

Do I stay or do I go? I have no reason to stay, maybe it’s best that I go.

 

Advertisements

I am not her.

I remind people of someone they’d like to forget. Mothers, sisters, lovers, daughters. I remind people of someone so vile they lose a sense of human decency. I become a punching bag of the ghosts of women past. Someone they can point a finger at and blame all their problems on. I am an easy target, for all I do is take all these emotions and harbor them inside. Its the memories that keep this illusion of who I am alive in your memory. Who you think I am and who I am is completely different to you and me. You could care less who I really am. All that matters is who you believe I am. All I do is just keep reminding you of liars, sinners, and deceitful people.

The memories of the past are what haunt you. Clouding your judgement and making this image of who you think I am. Everything I do is wrong in your world. Reminding you of people from your past that you long to forget. I remind you of every hurt emotion and the pain that follows. You scream, fight, and laugh in my face. You point your judgmental fingers at me and cut me down to the size you believe fit for me. You should have stayed alone, you should have stayed away from me. But you didn’t. There was always something about me that made me different from the rest. Then again there was always something about me that reminded you of pieces of everyone you tried to forget. If you could hurt me, you would. If you could take everything away from me, you would.

If you want me to hate you, I will. I will bandage all these bruises and hide all these scars, and never forgive you. It was only a matter of time before I began to hate you. Hate you for everything you stood for. Hate you for the lies, the sorrow and the grief. But like you, there was something about you that I couldn’t stay away. So I stayed with the belief that I was being punished for everything any female had ever done wrong to you. If you cut me, I will bleed. If you hurt me, I won’t forget. Its your memories that haunt you with these illusions of who you think I am. But I am not her. I am not them, I just wish you would see that.

I remind you of a person from your past. People you wished didn’t exist so everything would stop hurting for once. I remind you of the sinners dressed up like saints. The girl that said she loved you but became a woman that said she can’t.  But I can’t pretend that these cuts don’t hurt, when I see them bleeding. That when you drag me through the mud, it doesn’t scrape my knees. I remind people of someone they would like to forget. But I hope you remember that I am not her.

I am not her.

4/17/2008