sucka

?M = To Change Sh*t.

I think about change as often as the next person. Change of scenery, change of pace, change of environment, and all that jazz. We’re all ready for that next step, on that next level hustle, but seldom do we ever take that chance. All it takes is a little bit of courage to take that chance to make that change. Sounds easy right? But why are we so afraid of doing everything we set out to do? I find myself making up excuses about why I can’t change, instead of just fucking changing. I can change right? I can do whatever, I set myself out to do. Because the world is my fucking oyster.

Of course I like the idea of change. This idea of change that films and coming of age stories tell you happen. But what about the rest of us that have responsibilities? Change can happen, after you pay off debts and start being positive. Change can happen with a change of attitude and believing in yourself. Because all it takes is a great attitude to turn everything around. Sometimes you’re burned out on positivity that it feels better to bring back that good old haunting feeling. This dark cloud that follows you everywhere changing all these new beginnings right to that old familiar feeling. Even new experiences can burn you out. Even things you wanted to be better for you, put a damper on your expectations. The things we wished for ourselves have a funny way of not being what we want them to be. We take jobs to pay the bills and eventually those jobs become our life. We in turn start to hate these jobs because of the way they make us feel. I hated every single one of my jobs and the reason being I was afraid of change. Afraid of going out on a limb because that’s where the fruit is.

You know you’re burned out from office jobs when every job that requires an 8 to 5, you hate after a week. After 10 plus years of the same job, all programs start looking the same: Foresite, AS400, JD Edwards, etc. Each one is the efficient way to handle business. These programs are all “The way of the future”, and every other similar saying. Basically they are all the same fucking program, but you are too polite to say otherwise. All the same boring ass programs that you’ve been programed to believe are “The way of the future”. You start your morning going through the motions of work, when really you are miles away from your boring ass responsibilities. I can’t even begin to tell you how many programs I’ve worked with that are considered to the new approach to everything. When in reality they waste more paper and do the same functions as all the other programs. What does it matter anyway, I am making money. I have a job and should be grateful for my chances. Its not that I am ungrateful, I am grateful. Its that knowingness in my gut that I should be doing something else. Something better than pushing paper and smiling, when I feel like screaming and lighting everything on fire. But I am a sucker in the belief that “Good things, come to those who wait”, so waiting is what I do.

Thats where I have it wrong. This waiting for the good things to happen. Waiting on good things that everyone else snatches up, and I get upset about. Because the grass is always greener on the other side. Who ever said “Good things come to those who wait”, was a sucker. A sucker in all the sense of the words. Sure good things come to those who wait, but to the people who actually go out and do shit, better amazing things happen too. I guess after everything I was just used to this fallback, that if everything went wrong I had my fallback job. I was good at listening to directions and having a follow through. I was good at doing my job and handling everyone else’s responsibilities. I was good at taking the fall when everyone else took the praise. Thats what makes me such a great assistant, I was good at cleaning up the messes that nobody else wanted to do. Because waiting for things to happen was my escape, this belief that things were going to get better once people took a look at me.

The last job I had I just didn’t have the passion for. Sure it’s easy to fake passion, I was a master of it. I thrive on challenges and pushing myself, but this time I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t care about a fallback. I didn’t care about the outcomes of my mistakes. I didn’t care if everything fell apart and I was the cause of it. I was miserable and burned out on my tired excuses of “Good things, happen to those who wait”. You reach that point in your life where you have to ask yourself “What’s more important, your pride or a paycheck?”. Bills will eventually be paid. Debt continuously will always take control of your life but sometimes you have to do something great. When every time you look at the screen and you want something greater you do everything in your power to be great. Sometimes you are better than your job. Sometimes you are better than cleaning up other peoples mistakes. More importantly you’re better than everyone’s expectations of you and one day all that hustling pays off. Life its too great to be sitting in a cubicle from 8am to 5pm just waiting and wishing for things to happen. We are all going to struggle from time to time but in the end we come out victorious.

For every program I worked on there was always a command to change your options. The last job I worked at was “?M”, to modify what you save on the screen. The reality was I saw it as “?M”= To change shit. Thats what I’m going to do, “?M” to change shit in my life. To be greater, to be better, and everything else will fall into place.

I’m about to see a million things
I thought I’d never see before and I
I’m about to do all of the things
I’ve dreamed of and
I don’t even miss you at all

6/29/2014

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I know, yeah you too.

op·por·tun·ist:
a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans.

Opportunists come in all shapes and sizes. They wear their masks better than the rest of the fakes and phonies. Flocking to you like a moth to a light. They can’t help but want everything you got. Use you, abuse you, then hang you out to dry. Always needing something from everybody, always there for the taking. Where do we find these people? Actually, Stop. We don’t find these people, they find us. They stalk their prey from the darkest depths of our vulnerable souls and take everything they can from us.  Take everything that you need, obviously you need it more than we do.

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I must have SUCKER on my forehead because I seem to fall for everything. I am standing in a new generation of opportunists. Standing in a crowd of people who use me and I can’t help but watch them do so. Watch them use me, use my family, take my money, and then go on to the next series of people. Watch their armies of acquaintances defend their honor. It’s cool, I thought we were friends too. It’s amazing what you believe, when someone is taking everything out from under you. After they’re done with you, it’s back to the shelf of used toys until they need you again. Maybe in a day, a week, or a month, they’ll come back. They always come back.

Living in an age of carbon copies and no one wants to be original. Let me leave everyone the blue prints of my life, so they can copy my entire existence. A copy will always be a copy. No matter how you change the appearance of the opportunity. Opportunists want what they can turn around and make their own. Using all of everyones resources to make the best representation of themselves. One of these days, the little opportunist that cried wolf, will not be saved. Next time people need something from me, call on all the other people that they have on their rotation of using. I sure as hell don’t need people like that in my life. When you can count how many times you need people and you can’t help yourself, maybe it’s time for a life change.

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If I stop feeding the opportunists, maybe they’ll finally stop leeching off of my life. Stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong. I am tired of helping people that couldn’t give a shit about my well being. Who don’t take the time to see whats up in my life. You only need me when y’all want something. I am done. If you don’t hear from me, it’s because I’ve done found you out. After you have everything you want from me, when do I get to use you?

It doesn’t matter what I say anyway. Opportunists are just gonna jump from me to you. A never ending cycle of using to get used. I hope it’s worth it.

Call me when you need me.

2/28/2015