the last five years

And I’m still hurting.

Heartbreak has a way of changing a person. It breaks down every vulnerability and locks it away under a dark heart of emotion. Lessons learned and the reality of letting go. You begin to build up these walls with the bricks that have been thrown at you. It was always your fault. Your fault in believing in the wrong people. Your fault in choosing the wrong person. Your fault in every argument, in every tear drop, in every vulnerability you’ve ever felt.

Always your fault.

Covered with scars I did nothing to earn.

After a year it’s suppose to be different. You’re suppose to feel better. It’s so easy for others to move on to bigger, better, brighter, and beautiful things. Still you sit with your sadness and bitterness. I always envied the people who can jump from people to people. All to mask their sadness of being alone. Meanwhile, I wallowed in my darkness and sadness. I allowed these feelings to consume me as my own coat of bad failures. Allowing the bitterness to eat away at the layers of goodness I had left. I hate when people expect you to wake up one day and stop loving someone. That falling out of love is just as easy as falling in love, it’s not. It breaks even more then putting your heart into someone else’s hands. Because everyone else is so good with forgetting and moving on. Placing someone else’s face in the frame to make up for their losses. But it hurts even more than before.

A year goes by and you still live with the bitterness and sadness. A year goes by and you find yourself still hurting worse than before. Because everything was always your fault. No matter how many people you kiss, how many people you say goodnight to, they never replace what broke you. Broken is what you feel through the night, until the sun comes up. Its through the day that you can suppress the hurt, but its at night when you’re alone with your thoughts that it all comes back. You pretend to move on and go through the motions. You pretend just as well as the others. Everyone else is just fine and still you sit with your words and broken promises. Promises of a better life and new beginnings. Promises that at the end of the day, everything will be better for you.

What about lies?
What about things that you swore to be true?

It’s days like these that I can’t help but wish you would feel an ounce of what I felt. That your heart would rot and break into a thousand miserable pieces. That someone would come along and blame you for everything that is wrong. The 1 finger that you graciously pointed at me, you’d find 3 more pointed directly at you. In so many ways, I just wished that you would feel every single human emotion that I felt. If there was anything that I wanted from you, I just wished to have my heart back. But getting my heart back wouldn’t change anything. It would only continue to hurt.

Eventually everything will change. One day, I’ll fall in love again and this will start all over. Being broken doesn’t last forever, maybe someday this will all be just a distant memory. At this current time, and at this current state, it still hurts. No matter what I say, I am still hurting.

and I’m still hurting.